DD

I wandered down the hall towards the front doors of the lobby when a smile curled the corners of my lips so fast; the sight of wet pavement out front caused me to sprint towards the doors, gitty with thoughts of rain. Goosebumps prickled my skin in the anticipation of feeling the touch of ice cold drops rolling softly along my face, neck...

When I pushed through the doors my smile fades and a heavy sigh escaped my lips. The window cleaners had started in on the second story; my moment of indulgence was dashed, or was it? As I just stood for a second watching the water drip from the over hang of the building frustrated from it’s false promise. My lids shut for a brief moment and a shock ran up my spine, as a million little kisses brushed my cheek.

There was a mist that sat heavy in the sky, like a lover lounged across you after a good go of sex. A thousand little fingers worked swiftly and found every inch of exposed flesh on my body, shivers and chills slid down and across my skin. All the little hairs on the back of neck stood up like all the times I’ve heard that voice whisper into my ear. My mind wondered to all kinds of dark places bringing a hot flash to my cheeks. I could feel my dimples take up the whole sides of my face making me blush even harder. I let my finger tips join the million others caressing the little indentations of the small of my back. Thinking of all the times some one else’s hands have danced there way across that same bit of flesh. I rapped myself a bit deeper into my sweater, a smell that only exists in my mind filled my senses as I hide behind my hair holding my little secrets close and the feelings I have even closer. My feet kept perfect time with the strong pounding in my chest, so strong, so heavy, so moving, and so very beautiful.

Smoker...

The story of my smoking, it’s come up, people asking me why I do it and so I seriously thought about it. I mean honestly why in the hell would any one want to smoke? It makes you stink one, it fucks up your teeth, could potentially kill you….

Wait; wait what back that up, it can what? Now hey just a minute there, kill ya hu? Like slowly so you’re not bleeding on the cutting room floor, but your still knocking off years right? Hum very interesting.

See I wasn’t the smoker pretending not to know what it’s doing to her. I've been counted on it. I smoked when I was “stressed.” That’s what I called it. Stressing or “being tired”. Those where the little sayings I use to use to say I’m depressed as fuck, but I really don’t want you to know about it, so fuck off. It’s pry when I started to learn how to lie the best during those years. You'd know I wasn’t happy, but you never know how bad.

I started smoking when I was about 15ish? A lot of my friends did it because it was cool because you could do it at parties while you where drinking. Only thing is I didn’t go to parties and I didn’t drink back then. I was just “stressed”.

My association with Death isn’t a healthy one. Unfortunately he and I meet way back in the day, pry a bit before my mind could really wrap round what he was all about, but when you meet the guy you can't really take it back you can't forget him he's just always there, hanging round. It's kind of freaky like the werid ass guy on the street corner that's always learning at you, just scary.

So when you fear something I have found the best way to counter that. is to learn how to control it. What better way to control it than to slowly cause it. I told you it was a bit morbid. There is this little thought in the back of my mind every time I take a drag, “there goes a few more minutes where I will never have to feel this way again.” Or "there are a few more years of the depends time line of my life." Seriously that’s what I think with just anbout every lighter flick.

I wasn’t a very happy kid well, Well okay I was happy but when you run into a fucker like death and know he's just looming round the corner it can kind of fuck your perception of long life. Lets just say I played in shadow more than I played in sunshine. So ya that’s kind of where it comes from, a slower kind of suicide but killin' myself none the less, but considering you never know if you'll wake up to see the next sunrise, and ledgads are those that die young and leve beautiful corpses... Eh I think I'm not in that bad of company?