I think I understand it now.

There is this tug in her chest from a while ago that makes it hard to face someone these days...
Someone that she cares so much for it makes her........... smile. Never ache, nervous, or anxious just blessed. Blessed that they are there, blessed that they listen and in a round about abstract Buddhist kind of way, making since when they speak in the term of "all" in reference to just one and how wonderfully surreal that sounds but how much since it can make.

"I think he's the reason why I can never really fall in love, the reason I find it so easy to go along and have these bizarre relationships with other people and not need there undying dedication to me and only me. I think in some ways my heart has always been there with him and there isn't a whole hell of a lot I can do about it,............................................. I am the worlds biggest hypocrite."

Last week in the midst of all the insanity, doubt, anger and frustration, just one smile from his face and she let it all go, just so she could smile back. Liking the way she can lean against him and he automatically pulls her close no matter where, no matter when. Feeling him and his energy when he touches, it's like you can read his mind, his that open. No fear no walls getting all of him when he's there and that is such a refreshing and amazing thing she can't even begin to say.

It's hard to fall in love with other people no matter how much you would like to... Like to kill the loneliness, like to kill the doubt, like to not have to act the skeptic. It's hard to give a heart away that you already gave away years ago, to the boy that claimed you before you could even say hi. So natural to hear him say he loves her and so easy to say it back because she dose, every time they talk those are the last words spoken between then, just like any one that is of the same blood, I love you. The simple oath that "I will be here for you no matter what because I am yours and you are mine."

Yet the hypocrite sits in prideful silence not to speak of this to any one, not even herself becasue she knows she can't, to many hearts at stake. "And there is the answer of why I spend my time in the company of unavailable men, are you fucking satisfied?"


(It's a screan play concept, but for some sad reason it seems to becomimg more and more of an autobiography... I just found alot of truth when barainstorming and I'm pretty fucking sure I don't want to face it)

Friendship = the freedome of goodstuff

There are some times I feel a little guilty, not for the nature of the relationships that I have with some people. They are strange and unconventional and I would never change them in a million years. I accept the fact the people will pry never really accept them because of there questionable content but those people can blow my dildo cause there my friendships and I don’t let my friendships go for just about anything.

So where is this guilt coming from? Well comes from the fact that with in these friendships I pretty much get all the good stuff and none of the bad. Then again I have been known to have to magic touch of soothing the angry beasts of men and settling the upset stomachs and their saddened harts as well. Call it a gift call it being a saint, either way even in the whole time of knowing some and facing their demons head on I’ve managed to hold on to the person that is there and let the demons fade away . Or even when in heated debate that could turn very ugly at any second, in one sigh I can spin the situation in to a flurry of words and then a rain of clothes and well the rest I leave to your imagination. Maybe I’m more optimistic than I thought? Maybe I just want to think the best of people so much all I can pick out is the good over the bad?

Still I feel like I get nuthin’ but the good stuff, lucky I know but I guess that’s the benefit of being a loving and caring friend? No expectations no demands just there when it’s needed and glade to be and gone in a whisper till the next time.