I have the best guts...

...and I fucking hate it. They always seem to know what's going on even when I don't want to see it. It's like that scene in Clock Work when our little Droogie Alex is strapped up all good like with his peepers peeled back to watch all the flickers. My guts always make me have to take another look at what is going on and try and see the things that I may have missed and pry really don't want to know. They are the quick band-aid rip that stings like a son of bitch, annoys the hell out of you, maybe even piss you off a bit, but at least it's over fast and you forget about it quicker. Ya that's what its like. I hate knowing with out knowing, I hate having this built in bullshit detector... Hell not even bullshit it can be just a little bent truth and my stomach twitches with a sense of, something ain't right here mate. I use to think that I was just being and over reactive, sensitive woman as it were, but Every Fucking time my tummy does this little flip, when I hear a line or read a text, email what ever and it just doesn't seem to add up, there it goes again, *twitch twitch*

"Processing"

I keep hearing this word when in reference to relationships, processing. An I suppose that's what I've been trying to do so far this year, process what it is that I want in life. I've been rather spoiled as of recently, with many new friends that have become wonderful lovers. It's like letting a kid have the keys to a candy store and saying "knock yourself out kid." I must admit as of late, like a kid who's let wild in a candy shop, I have a bit of belly ache and finding that I miss having something with a bit more substance in my life. It's just a matter of now trying to define what that substance is? I will admit I crave to have someone to call my own and vice versa, but at the same time, I have made so many good friends that I've shared such wonderful moments with, I don't want to loose that either. I've been on the hunt to see if I can't maybe stumble my way into an open relationship/ polyamerous or what ever the hell you want to call it. As a women I suppose it's not that hard to find lovers, I've done rather well on that end, but to find a man (note man is the word used here) that is willing not only to be shared (which usually is no problem either) but be willing to share as well, with complete trust love and openness has become a bit more of an enigma to say the least. Still I will fully admit that once I found someone that I did love that much, someone that I could be that open and honest with, the desire or want to be with others wouldn't be that great, but still it's just having the option. I think that may be the failure of my previous relationships, not just the lack of communication and over all lack of honesty (with some), but the fact that I was tied in. I have to admit I feel trapped claustrophobic not just physically either but mentally, emotionally. I think one of things that I have seen with couples that have a open understanding is that they are so close, honest and the fighting isn't over silly things for lack of talking, it's over things that really matter, and even then it's not so much fighting as much as just having a rough patch and working through it. I've always been a preacher of finding an equal, not someone that completes me, but someone that challenges me, a friend, partner in crime, someone to grow and evolve with and never settle down. So there is my processing, now to see what this process may produce. ;)