Broken or tis it mearly a scrape?

This past week or two I've been going back and forth trying to figure out just what the hell is my damage? I got some trust issues, not with out good reason, don't get me wrong. I've been lied to and manipulated and had my kind/giving nature used and abused more times than I care to mention. I've forgiven and tried to move on. It's this consistent battle with my heart and my guts that always leaves me with these feelings of nervousness and anxiety. I just once really want someone to prove me wrong, I want someone that makes all the fear fall away, and in the end makes me feel so safe I never have to worry about my heart in their hands. These are the time where you wish things where more black and white with obvious rules of engagement that tell you how it really is so you can proceed with guarded heart or not. I've gotten so callous to the situation that I don't even know what it means not to be guarded any more not to be suspicious not to question everything. In the end always keeping one foot out the door ready to run before the wound can be inflicted. I guess after all these years Fear still has me in its grasp, holding me tightly. Funny that...

11:13 pm

It's happening again, my guts, right now at this very moment something is happening, something is amiss. Why is it so strong? These feelings of doubt ? Its like I'm destined to walk alone because I see and know too much before its even spoken.