It
started with a desperate conversation, the “desperate” being me
and my overly dramatic emotions over something that now I realize is
so fucking trivial it's kind of sad. I was angry and hurt by
someone's keeping shit from me. I was fixated on the matter
just couldn't let it drop, it was an obsession, I did incredibly out
of character things “to try and find the truth of the matter”, I
was starting to kind of scare myself. The conversation carried on for quite some time via text between myself and my inside man, the one who makes me really take a hard look
at the situation, (namely my sorry ass) and ask the real questions. Oh what a question it would be...
InsideMan:Have
you ever thought about why you keep ending up in these situations?
(He's referring
to the fact that the last few lovers I've had and developed any kind
of feeling for always wind up disappointing me and I become
completely defeated in my search for..... well fucked if I really
know what for, but something. I didn't even have to think about it,
(I'd done enough of that for the past month,) I knew the answer...)
ME:
because I'm scared to death of real intimacy, don't think I really
deserve it, so what better way to avoid it than to go for what you
know you can't have.
Yep
that shit came flying form my fingers folks. Now I know I can be
fairly “masculine” in my ways, I'm a tomboy, always have been
always will be. I'm cocky, I'm too cool for school, I'll take on a
challenge with the gusto a high school all star, and the libido, well
that is a monster all unto it's self. But scared of intimacy? WTF?!?!
That is literally the shit you hear girls sit around and bitch about
all the time. I mean don't they have
hours upon hours of programming on Lifetime about nothing but that
fucking shit?
John
Cusack popped into my head from High Fidelity. No, this shit really happened, I promise it'll make since in just a second, unless you haven't seen the film in which case what the hell is wrong with you? All those side notes
to the camera flashed though my mind, then landed smack dab on one
were he comes to realize it was never about her, it was him....
“I
can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot
out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like
thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit
to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny
increments.” Rob Gordon~ “High
Fidelity”
Fuck
me... The insight! The whole thing plays back through my head
again...
Hi
my name is Amber and I'm a runner.
God
I'm such a shit. I look back and realize all the the things I did,
holding a hand out to touch and feel but keeping the other hand ALL
the way out to keep anyone from getting to close. So wrapped up in my
own insecurity, so scared that I'll never be good enough that I
search, literally search for reasons to reject someone before they
can reject me. That whole statement, “you have to love yourself..” came to mind, and okay so it's true, but it's just so fucking bullshit fluff... can't we just say, "you just have to learn to accept your self," makes it way more palatable, don't you think?
So I'm
broken, yaya we're all broken. I figured that when sitting on a couch and being teased about something only to have my partner come back and very jokingly, say “umm commitment
issues much?” and it made your heart jump.
That millisecond of a joke made me cringe and kind of think. I've
since talked with three old lovers that all said the same thing. How
I was there but a million miles away. Trying to keep them close but
never really giving it all back, not all of it, not the honesty, not
the vulnerability. I've talked and talked about those things till the cows would come home, I offer it, (to all the people I know won't take it) and
run at the moment I think I may actually mean it. What a fucking
bullshiting coward...