These past few months have been a very overwhelming jounrey for me. I have been filtering through the ashes of my previous life, cleaning up, and learning every day how to manouver theough this place, with my sinces and awareness on max over drive.
The new lessons I've been trying to absorb? Simplifying, and letting go of the pains from the past. Most have been shead becasue they were self inflicted pains, things I take responsabliltiy for and did to myself. There are other pains though, connected to people, people I use to be close to, people I wish I could introduce myself to again. Hell I'm having to do that now with people I don't have these old hangups with, so you can imagine how hard it might be with people who I've bled over, (metaphorically of course).
I use to laugh when Cory referred to people as humans when talking about dealing with social interactions. Now, I kind of get it. I did it a few days ago when talking about trying to be social again. I was shocked to hear it come out of my mouth. "Humans" to know what it is to be one, but not feel connected to it in the same way. It makes this processes even tougher. There is an Amber suit I feel I have to slip back on from time to time to deal with some aspects of life, certain people I have to interact with. It feels a bit icky and well used let me tell you, that suit would not pass a black light test.... I'm hoping some day I won't need it. That I can toss it for good but I have a feeling that will take a little time.
Now with some time under my belt and getting a bit stronger on my legs, I've gained a bit of objective with the clarity. Thank goodness. Seeing everything is one thing but having the where with all to processes it, totally different story. It's like that secene from the "The Man of Steel" (yes it kinda sucked but you know all damn well you watched it) where the helmet breaks and Zod is over come with everything bombarding his system at once. Ya it's kinda like that. So you miss a lot of the finer details of the things right in front of you sometimes.
Kind of sad to say now that I'm catching up with all my processing, a connection I made on this journey, wasn't as shared as I thought. It's a strange thing when seeing someone wanting to be where your at and have what you have, (even when your bumbling like Bambi) To hear them say they doubt you get it. They unknowingly try to belittle you in some ways, always have to take the lead and be teacher. Still holding on to old vices and not having the guts to admit it. Little lies little cracks. They want it so bad, and they could... My first disappointment so far. Not as devastating as I thought it would be. There where brief moments of fire and brimstone, but I calmed, I centred, I asked and heard what what was said behind the defensiveness. The brimstone died down, and I could see the struggle of the ego. It passed, and I still loved, but I do need to keep moving forward.