When worlds collide

I was hopping for more, but can't say I'm to terribly surprised. After seeing the blank empty stare in your eyes as the cloud of your demons escaped the lungs, I had a feeling that the talk was going to be in vain and a waste of gas, again... I sat there looking at the rings under your eyes, the emptiness and flatness taking the place of what was bright inquisitiveness. I don't know if its just because I came to know you more, and the bright shiny aspects of what I thought was someone "out of my league", had fallen to the way side, or just the facts that you no longer had the strength to care or pretend to be the bright light you wanted so badly to be? Don't get me wrong I know we can't all be amazing power houses everyday, but there was a purpose to this sit down, and to see no light, no warmth, not actual interest or concern, despite any fatigue, was the true disappointment. 

To think there was a very brief moment you called me Goddess, there was a beautiful revival in my connection with you. You seemed so open, you believed in me not to judge you, to accept you. You saw me and my strength and accepted me as an equal. You said you had respect for me once. Hence why you wanted to be friends and keep me close. I was one of the only women who challenged you you in the bed room, you could share with me, say what ever was going on in your world with out edits or holding back. Some where between your need to be dominate and my lusts for physical excursion and limitless pushing we found a mutual admiration. It seemed to grow and evolve into this curious friendship/partnership. Trust admiration even love was born out of what in the beginning was not anything more than a few rounds of lust.

I'm sorry if I've came to expect more from you. You had shown me your vulnerability, your insecurity, and your weaknesses, weather you knew you were or not. I've seen you puff up like a peacock to demonstrate the prowess you've cultivated to get what you feel you need from others. I've heard your boasts of power of persuasion, I seen you use it. I feel I've known more of you than you ever meant to share. Maybe that is where this pain and frustration with in me comes from. I have seen this beautiful person you want to be. Hell I found parts of myself in it's reflection. Then again this is the definition of Empathy, this is the true path of the Empath. You do not see it, you do not feel it, that unexplained bond that develop, is me allowing myself to connect to you, which makes that connection so much more intense to me than it is to you. It is so much more fragile. For every careless word and action that means nothing to you, it turns in to a sledgehammer into the brain for me. When I sit and explain to you that you have hurt me, I have lost trust in you, that the consistent bombardment of carelessness and unsympathetic actions has cut me, understand that I'm not saying it for my own health, I am not merely getting things of my chest. I am a mirror in front of you asking you to look at what it is you are putting out to the world and those around you. When you close your eyes and keep looking away, it becomes so painful to know that I have to cut that cord and turn away myself. 

It is so painful for those moments, breathing, feeling it slip away, as you pull yourself out of the space of another. Letting the doors close behind you. Its cold, for a bit, it stings like alcohol on a fresh wound, there is a bite there is a smell almost of something burning. a cut being cauterized. All of those seconds crash in around your head leaving you with brief moments of fight or flight. You either want to cause the same pain, or you want to just run as far away as you can. Neither is the answer, closer is needed. You will need those final moments to sit and let it all pass over you with the other there, having no clue what is taking place right before them. It will be frustrating, it will hurt but it just has to be done, to sit and talk as if there is nothing taking place, to sit and let them ignore what's really happening. It fine, you let it wash over you and out of you and back to where it came from. 

When I left that day, which was what I am pretty sure would will be the last time, my head lifted. I slipped into my car and turned on the engine. I cried a little I cursed, I was angry, I reached out to the world, and started to drive. With in moments I was cradled by the world and found my way back to friends and family. I was supported I was loved and I was happy. The next day, there was less weight, and these words started finding there way to my fingers. At first it was a e-mail, but I realized that there was no point when it only would be read by what I knew now was a fairly careless heart. So I continued to compose and I thought of others I've known who have been in this place and felt this way and didn't quite know why. Well this is why.

Please don't undersell yourself. You are not crazy, you are not over dramatizing, you are giving a gift, and sometimes there are those who are not ready for it and it has to be taken back. They will not see it they will not undersand why you are being so "sinsitive" about something that doesn't really matter, or why its that big of deal. Take your time, and say what you need to say, let it wash over them and yourself, and if there is nothing in return, then sit, breath, take your time, bring back all that wich you gave, no matter how painful it may be right then and there, just breath, and make sure you let it all slip back to where it belongs return you to your balance. Come back from the things you knew and saw coming, and you know what I mean. Trust your self, believe in your intuition. Your are a beutiful being of light and dark, and you are fully aware, thake care of yourself.