Roots

I was told I have no root, to ground myself,  and there fore come across as an unstable person to a perspective mate, hence why I've gone round in this vicious 10year cycle of singledom.
They are right, but not in the way they were discribing. I have not had a root in myself. I've been a self loathing, self hating, overly compermizing person, who use to think deep down, like many people  that to be accomplished by this time I should be settled with a stable life, career, with partner and 5 year plan. (Not saying that is a bad thing it'd beautiful for most)
That is not who I am. I was never the little girl who had a planned wedding, career with hubby and 1.5 kids. I never really saw that for myself. I've tried, I've day dreamed about that life, picked fence and all. I've questioned my sanity over how I don't want it, and if I'm not just setting myself up for failier, to keep punishing myself for not being of the norm.
I am who am, an artists, healer, gypsy vsgabon, who dreams of no set plans and the freedom to walk life day to day in the now chaos and all. when life presents me with the opportunities, I'll be brave enough to walk through those opening, to cross those thresholds and see what lies beyond them.
I have not loved myself, I have never cared enough about me to truly throw all caustion aginst the wind and fallow my own being. I've always been afraid of being alone, because of that I've compromised my feelings and thoughts to be with others so I wasn't so alone. Why have I "never been good enough" for someone to want to be with? Its not because of my lack of 5 year plan, but it has been of my own lack of stability, trust in myself, my love for me and my dreams. That is the one thing I will take away from my conversation tonight.
I do not know what comes tomorrow? I've tried to predict and read the future into so many things that I lost the day and the beauty it had, over anxiety driven anticipation of things that where never there. I'm going to try and make a new promise to myself. I'm am this now and I will be what ever tomorrow brings. Nothing more, nothing less, and I will actually love the me I am in every moment, and know that I am enough, that I am whole, and will be blessed with every twist, turn and new lesson life gives me to understand.