Something old something new...

There is a light being shown upon me, a harsh light that is opening up the inside of my major organs, showing me all the shit I've been force feeding myself to cope with the lone wolf attitude I've been trying so hard to adapt to, because it's "good for me". Not that I regret any second of my life these past few months. The solitary, the people I've meet, the encounters I've faced and the new things I've discovered about me, have all been worth the small bit of heartache I feel now. In some ways I've have gained a new part of me, a more confidant me, a side that is stronger and more calloused up to the world's bullshit. At the same time It's made me weaker and less resistance to the dream life that so many seem to strive for, that I always thought I was better than, that I could rise above such simple biological needs. I am an intelligent person, may hap smarter than your average individual, just maybe. My ideas are proud and I often think out side the box, take to the new and want to move up and beyond the norm of the every day. So why I ask you, why is something so simple and so ordinary the down fall of my grandiose plans of global takeover?

It's amazing when you get only a small taste of something you had left behind. Something you aren't even sure exists, still there is a taste of something and it awakens all these feelings and desires that you thought you had moved passed? Still that small taste of what ever "it" is and you become ravenous for any little morsels you can get your hands on, not to forget the source in which the delirious sensation has come from. It really is a fing drug these feelings of, lets call it "belonging". There is no other way to explain it. The sensations of being with someone and I'm not just talking about the pump action motions of being with someone, but truly being with someone. The day in day out, sharing a bed, sharing meals, walking hand in hand and talking about what your likes and dislikes, family, your hopes and fears. Letting it all tumble out of you and into the person standing next to you, this kind of exchange is what makes you feel as though you belong right there with them doing this same sort of thing over and over, sharing your day in and day battles and joys. Fuck if that isn't one of the most amazing feelings in the world. Knowing your not completely alone, knowing you have a partner in crime that knows your in's and out's. Waking up to someone you know you don't have to impress but you still want to do your all you can for them because it makes you feel so damn good to do so.

This uncomfortably bright light, that keep shinning on me is rather well... unnerving I'm doing things a bit out of my nature, but feel wonderfully right. Like jumping into a pool all at once with out testing it first. The shock of the water as it engulfs you, the struggle to break your way back out and to the surface to breath again, every time it's new an exhilarating but at the same time familiar and beautiful, leaving me wanting to do it again and again. I want to dive into you, loose my breath to the shock of you, crash my way back to reality so I can dive back into you over and over.

Out with the .5 and in with the 1.0

I want to talk about halves and wholes today. You see there is this old adage that one wanders through life looking for their "other half" to spend the rest of their years with in wedded bliss. I'm here to tell you, it's a crock of shit…

It's kind of miss leading, specially in the day and age where over 6,671,838,962 people are looking for their "other half" makes the likeliness of it ever truly happening about as probable as a meteor falling out of the sky and killing you. I'm not saying you won't find someone, hell just do to the fact that the divorce rate in the US is about 40%? People seem to find A LOT of potential halves over and over again...

I'm here today to tell you forget about trying to find your other half. I mean how silly is it to go around being half a person? So here's the deal in stead of wasting all that time running your self in a circle.

(Hahahahahaha one leg... meaning you can only spin round in a circle….? Fogetabouit)

In stead of wondering aimlessly down the multi pick your own path of heart ache and financial fuckatude, why not do something a little more productive? Why not look for yourself? Study a new language, work towards discovering a new talent you never new you had, and learn all the wonderful and fulfilling things about yourself and your spirit you never thought possible. Then when you've stopped wasting so much energy on looking for that "other half" you will find that you brought back all that energy to where it really belongs... YOU!

See once you've gone round yourself a few times you might come to realize you can be a whole person on your own, and find that other leg for yours. An after you build yourself up, you don't miss that longing to be whole, because it's already been fulfilled, by you. By giving yourself, well, you, you're happy and your confidant and you're strong and you can stand on two legs, instead of spinning round like an idiot top. You don't have to be that stupid one legged person any more, always falling over like a twit trying to get around, hopping there like a complete gimp, going "if only I had my other half to have a second leg to stand on!" NO, you twat! Give yourself your own two legs, and live your life in the fullest the only you can.

Once you start living your whole life you don't look for this "other half" any more. You're so busy just being you, infact you are so busy being you, you never realize that the friend sitting across from you , that guy you bumped into at the book store, or that chick that smiled at you at the party is it… Not till you blink just right and that fated moment sweeps in and two whole lives get mixed together to make something greater than any two halves could ever find. See when you stop looking, "It" finds you, and you get so much more than just a whole, you get greatness, you get something real that can stand the test of time and hardship, and most of all, you get something you can give your EVERYTHING thing to, because only a whole person can give everything. Kind of cool, hu?

I'm starting something new...

I've been all over the place the past few days and every friend that I have talked to has said the same thing, "You need to write." They're right. I have the curse, the need to create visions with my words and connect with any one willing to take time and read them. So here's the deal this Blog was created a while back to collect the artistic style of my writing and I think I'm ready to make it open to the people.

I'm going to start pulling out some of my old writing and throw them up here as well, my art my photos all of it. So let me start by linking you to my Bionic eye and leaving you with a few of my old school poems that are just tongue and cheek and see where that leads us shall we?

Bionic eye

Simon's Pretty Pretty

A lovely She
Sweet angel face
Chocolate aphrodisiac
just want a tiny taste
Luscious dessert tray
pass her round this way
I'll take a little of this, a nibble on that
thick and rich, watch her twitch

A lovely She
Love to taste that peppermint stick
watch it wag behind those cherry lips
I wanna cheat, I wanna lie
don't worry baby I'll lick the tears away when you cry
Steal her away, my sweet tooth set on over drive
She is the sugar buzz
giving me the sweetest thrill
Dear berry tart be my love
all night long till the dawn
or till I'm done
Sticky fingers and whipped cream dreams
lick it clean Cumming to the end
Desert tray pass her round this way
A lovely, She


Welcome Home Nightmares

I listening now as my stereo plays
Melancholy bliss...
The bliss that I see in the distance
of the distant open window, I can hear it,
the heart beat of the city as traffic
rushes though it's arteries and veins
There is a fair round the corner,
and from the birds eye view atop my roof
I can see the lights of the ferris wheel
an amidst all this, all this fucking maddening bliss
all I can think of is your face
Yes your face because I miss thee
Of course, why else you fool
this fool falling in love with the world again
Memories of and us and we everything that was
Trying to claw my way through the present to the past,
becoming mad, madly
I miss you madly my sister, sister insanity, it never stops
I beg you please stop
stop for and instant to take in the delights
All sights all sounds, because it will never happen again
So lick it up today and never tomorrow,
it’s just to fucking faraway
Stop and smell the flowers, but don’t eat them
they are poisonous, which would mean the hellish end
No not the end, not right now, goodbye tend to fallow
Goodbye’s never say them, it means never again,
and there is always the possibility of again
So never goodbye but till the next time
Till then my brother, my sister, daughter, son, mother, father, lover
I lust thee all
Never want to go, the stillness is to sacred
as the veins keep pumping and the ferris wheel keeps turning
From this birds eye view enjoy it while you can
Take time, don’t waste it and smell the flowers
but don’t eat them, they’re poisonous

I am Ragnarok

Someone asked her to make a list and put it up on a shelf to try and forget her troubles…

The list started with scribbles and doodles of all the usual sort and then, frustration grew deep and she felt as though it was selfish to have such feelings. To be such a fucking whiner, it seems to go against everything that she was striving not to be.

“I don’t have enough money, I need a new job, I’m dissatisfied with my life, and I think I love, but don’t know what love is?…”

Blah, blah, blah bullshit, bullshit… Seriously, what the fuck does she have to complain about? Roof over hear head, food in her stomach, a job to go to and money to be made. She should be fucking grateful! An yet no matter how small she tries to make herself, no matter how humble she tries to become, she hungers for something, it growls through her . The hunger grows and is turned onto others with and empty hollowness to fallow leaving her unfulfilled. Like some kind of silent penance she will have to commit till she finally realizes her sin and confronts it. Until then she eats at the flesh of man fulfilling every suggested desire but never quenching the need for what truly needs to be fulfilled.

The tale of Ragnarok alive and well and playing out with in her own being, the struggle of the wolf that keeps growing with each passing of time only to out surpass it’s shackles and breaks free to devour his captors and set forth the beginning of the end

I think I understand it now.

There is this tug in her chest from a while ago that makes it hard to face someone these days...
Someone that she cares so much for it makes her........... smile. Never ache, nervous, or anxious just blessed. Blessed that they are there, blessed that they listen and in a round about abstract Buddhist kind of way, making since when they speak in the term of "all" in reference to just one and how wonderfully surreal that sounds but how much since it can make.

"I think he's the reason why I can never really fall in love, the reason I find it so easy to go along and have these bizarre relationships with other people and not need there undying dedication to me and only me. I think in some ways my heart has always been there with him and there isn't a whole hell of a lot I can do about it,............................................. I am the worlds biggest hypocrite."

Last week in the midst of all the insanity, doubt, anger and frustration, just one smile from his face and she let it all go, just so she could smile back. Liking the way she can lean against him and he automatically pulls her close no matter where, no matter when. Feeling him and his energy when he touches, it's like you can read his mind, his that open. No fear no walls getting all of him when he's there and that is such a refreshing and amazing thing she can't even begin to say.

It's hard to fall in love with other people no matter how much you would like to... Like to kill the loneliness, like to kill the doubt, like to not have to act the skeptic. It's hard to give a heart away that you already gave away years ago, to the boy that claimed you before you could even say hi. So natural to hear him say he loves her and so easy to say it back because she dose, every time they talk those are the last words spoken between then, just like any one that is of the same blood, I love you. The simple oath that "I will be here for you no matter what because I am yours and you are mine."

Yet the hypocrite sits in prideful silence not to speak of this to any one, not even herself becasue she knows she can't, to many hearts at stake. "And there is the answer of why I spend my time in the company of unavailable men, are you fucking satisfied?"


(It's a screan play concept, but for some sad reason it seems to becomimg more and more of an autobiography... I just found alot of truth when barainstorming and I'm pretty fucking sure I don't want to face it)

Friendship = the freedome of goodstuff

There are some times I feel a little guilty, not for the nature of the relationships that I have with some people. They are strange and unconventional and I would never change them in a million years. I accept the fact the people will pry never really accept them because of there questionable content but those people can blow my dildo cause there my friendships and I don’t let my friendships go for just about anything.

So where is this guilt coming from? Well comes from the fact that with in these friendships I pretty much get all the good stuff and none of the bad. Then again I have been known to have to magic touch of soothing the angry beasts of men and settling the upset stomachs and their saddened harts as well. Call it a gift call it being a saint, either way even in the whole time of knowing some and facing their demons head on I’ve managed to hold on to the person that is there and let the demons fade away . Or even when in heated debate that could turn very ugly at any second, in one sigh I can spin the situation in to a flurry of words and then a rain of clothes and well the rest I leave to your imagination. Maybe I’m more optimistic than I thought? Maybe I just want to think the best of people so much all I can pick out is the good over the bad?

Still I feel like I get nuthin’ but the good stuff, lucky I know but I guess that’s the benefit of being a loving and caring friend? No expectations no demands just there when it’s needed and glade to be and gone in a whisper till the next time.

Fates Bitch Once Again

Fate is a strange thing and I think she has a fetish for making me her personal little bitch when it comes to the matter of the heart and sex etc…

I must have a sign on my forehead that says all lovely and talented TAKEN men come here for your lusts and leave the rest behind… Like I said Fate she is a harsh mistress and she seems to take pleasure in playing me like a puppet these days.

So may beautiful boys wonder to my arms for comfort and thrill and then turn and go back to where they came. I feel like the worlds best kept secret.

I’m not a victim though by any means, I mean I allow it to happen I’m just as guilty as they when it comes to wanting, to being wanted, and giving into to the heady fascination of the matter. The only difference where they my claim a certain amount of ignorance, I could see it off a mile away, smell it even before there first touch, before their first kiss, before they even look me in the eye that way, I can sense something off of them and I’ve already decided to let them have what they want before they wanted it.

So like I say I am guilty maybe even more so because I am the muse that brings them in to the fascination to where in many ways maybe they didn’t even have a choice in the first place?

Course I’m pry giving myself too much credit on that one...