Of Course it's not September

Because its now fucking October! *sigh* So that month blew by like a bitch out of hell. True I'm a bit grateful because it was such a shit month, but the end of the year looms even closer now, AND the holidays, yelch... I have to say that this year has been a chaotic road of live and learn, but not nearly the shit storm of it's predecessor, so hey at least it's a step in the right direction? If I just didn't have that crap feeling of a giant clock somewhere ticking down to.... well something.

On what I thought would be brighter news, I went out with a guy on Tue. I thought I could call it a date but at the same time, I'm feeling it safer if I just didn't call it anything at all. There is always that "breath holding moments" a day after the encounter where you wonder, "okay where to next?" It makes me terribly insecure and jump to conclusions, but at the same time, I've come to find that those conclusions usually turn out being painfully right.

There have been very few times I've actually surprised myself with being wrong, I would love to be wrong, I would be ecstatic to be proven wrong about my gut feelings. I may just pee myself in the surge of over whelming glee that would take place if I was, "just being a silly over reactive woman" with glee I tell you, but ya that has yet to happen, no over reactive silly woman here. Just a knows all to well, I can read the signs before you can, witchy woman of knowing.

So when you go from what was a flurry of communication on a daily basis to the grinding halt of quick two or three word answers, you pry don't need a bigger "Do Not Enter, Wrong Way" sign than that. Still maybe I can hold my breath for a just a min longer, if anything just to hold on to the glow of a extended conversation of loveliness.

It is NOT September!!

Fuck off I don't believe you! September already? NOOOOO!!!! You don't understand there was so much I needed to get done this year and like hell if you can ever get anything finished up before the fucking holidays come rolling in and suck the life out of you.
I don't know about you, but the past three years have felt like a giant rodent ball filled with shit pellet poo. Go ahead think about that visual for a second, let it sit in nice and stinky like, till you feel like you need a shower, realized your no where near a place you can take said shower and keep reading. Ya that feeling, that uncomfortable, when will it end, I can't see though my own piss/shit covered walls anymore feeling, that's been my year. for every silver lining that I squint at through the black cloud hanging over my head and manage to smile and laugh in the abundant joy that is hope heading my way, just to have a seagull shit in my mouth. Ya fuck you September, fuck you for being that inevitable reminder that my clock is almost out and having to think about things, I fucking hate thinking about things. FUCK!

I fucking give up

No seriously I've had it with most of man kind. What could possible bring on this vehement feeling of detest, what else...

So I've been loosely trying the whole online dating thing... again. After my first debacle you would have thought I'd learned my lesson. Now don't get me wrong I've met some nice people via these sights made an actual friend or two out of it as well, which is always an A+ in my book, none the less, I remained incredibly skeptical of the objective of ever meeting "my one" (if ever there was such a thing) via anything like these sights. New contact, spread out my social circle, adventure, maybe a new playmate, these are about as high as my expectations ever really go. So needless to say I'm gravely disappointed with myself for ever letting down my guard for a bunch of pretty words that would appeal to any school girl, in many ways it is my own damn fault. You never realize just how much of a sucker you are for the whole romantic ideal till your face flat in the gutter with dirt on your face.

I can understand lying to a complete stranger in order to gain something, money, information, sex these things I understand... To seeming lie to a stranger just because, well I don't know, your lonely or in need of attention... It just seems like such a waste, you can get those kinds of things with out having to lie at all. (trust me I know) Well if anything this little bit of a trial has just reconfirmed my cynical and always dark pessimistic view. No matter how much I would like to believe that being a hopeless romantic will mean you will find love some day, I just can't buy into it any more. There is a reason why the word "HOPELESS" is in that turn of phrase. No that love does not exists in this day and age, at least not in the way I have it in my head. I'm pretty certain that the love that I always wanted went extinct quite some time ago... At least I have my health, family/friends and kitties, mustn't forget the kitties.

Nope just cynic

Right, not that any one really reads the effing thing any longer... I had put some words of hope down about love life things and what not, and like usual I have a feeling spoke far too soon... The cynic rears it's ugly but very logical head and starts to think about things, meany things that the optimistic eye normally over looks and that feeling in my gut is creeping up... Just too soon kids just too fucking soon. I'm going back to my kitties. Eff optimistic eyes, they always just make me wind up crying.

Feeling a bit...

Titanic,

Ya I'm on a sinking ship, again. This time it's really personal though because it's a family thing. It's scary and just fucked up and makes times really herd to try and keep my head up. I've been preparing my self any way I can, I just wish this continues shit strum would finally blow over and let me start actually living my life, instead of just existing in it.

Onward and into the unknow.

An when I say "unknown" I mean the dating world. I done did it again and trolling round in the wonderful world of online dating again. I have to be a Masochist to do this shit again. I know it's not that horrible, I have quite a few friends that have found lovely significant others via online dating and all that and I couldn't be happier for them, but the more I check it out and "try" the more I get to thinking that is just a huge time waster, not much unlike A glorified Angry Birds that you sit and push the silly little buttons over and over till you finally land on something worth wile that may take you to the next level... Most the time it's a fail and you try again, come at it from a few different angles and let her fly again, but the longer you play the harder it gets and the more frustrating you get finding that what once was a fun curiosity is now just a waste of time. Ya so that's fun.

Doing a little something new now and singing a bit more often. was adopted into a fun little band in town. It's been a cool distraction and keeping stuff on my plate so I don't get idle hands.

That all I really got for now, so guess I'll get back to flogging myself. Sheesh

It always seems to happen...

You can only blame yourself. You let your guard down and you start getting comfy with the situation then BAM! Life does what life will Which is get's all crazy, pulls the rug out from under you and your left on the floor, with a bruise on your ass the size of Texas and headache that makes you feel like your brain is going to start oozing out of your ears.

I should have told that guy off. He has no idea what I've been through, what I've been fighting for and to tell me that I'm not motivated enough, are you shitting me? There is no one single path there is no one and only solution to anything in this world and to assume anything about anyone because their ways have not coincided with your own is just blind. I've been a hairs breath away from loosing every thing I know and love for a while now. Fuck you, fuck you and Fuck you I haven't been doing my all...

I don't want a hand out I don't want to do things that others have planed out for me. That was the other lovely slap to the face this morning. When the hell did my plans get lost in the wake of someone else's, AGAIN! Oh right it's when I started working for family. Danger Will Robinson DANGER...

Then that obvious "I"m being nice, but I could really give a shit about you and what your doing" chat today. Why the fuck do I bother? I think it's almost better if a guy is just straight up rude and dismissive, at least that way I can hate their guts.

Am I too nice, am I too much of a push over? I mean seriously what the hell am I, who am I for that matter. Feel like I'm getting swept away in the nameless heard of everything. I fucking hate it, guess that's why I'm writing, why I'm still fighting as hard as I can, trying not to give up and just fall in line with what every one else would say is the safer bet. Kind of, sort of, not really. OH just fuck it all. When is this day over already?