Monday, December 12, 2011
Can't Sleep
I've been working that little divot back into my finger again. Think I'm trying to write out all of my demons and fears,
of course with a few key strokes I seem to do the same thing just with keys instead of ink, and there is rope attached to those keys, and that rope tends to make a lovely little noose I dangling myself from.
I've done that tonight, that's pry why I'm having trouble getting to sleep. Brain is racing and the information isn't compiling fast enough to fill in the spaces where all my questions have formed. It's like living in a hourglass where the sand is wet and chunky. Wow that is an uncomfortable image...
Uncertainty and insecurity are the banes of my life. They create the only thing that makes me weak in this world, fear. Its my only one true down fall it makes me act irrationality. I pride myself on being a fairly clear level headed and logical minded person. So when I feel that slip I can feel the wheels turn in my guts trying to fight off all the stupid crap that's about to flood my mind and make me obsess over the stupidest shit, because of fear. I can't control it I can't seem to stop it till I just bite the bullet, grow some balls and say or ask what I need to know, at the risk of being a complete fool. That's how we learn though I'm afraid. Facing the unknown, taking the risk and very well hurting our selves because of it. I've always believed its better to know and live, then be ignorant and wonder what if the rest of my days, no matter how many cuts and bruises I pick up along the way.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Wrong but right.
So I was wrong about one feeling, but my gut is still churning, meaning I'm pry right about the one thing that actually ment something. Ain't that the bitch that is life. Here's to turning the page.
I started a new old book
So I write a lot. 3/4 of what I write, I actually do the old fashioned way, with a note pad and pen. I noticed the other day the divit I use to have in my finger from all the writing I use to do isn't there as much any more. Maybe that's one of the reasons I went to my shelves and found one of my old pads tonight? Maybe it was the thoughts running through my head on the drive home, or the nostalgia of my youth throbbing through my ears while I danced my heart out like was 17 again? Its pry all of it, but needless to say, I had to get out the pen and take it all down, in the hopes that one day I can share it with you, and that all these thought and feeling will come to light. I see a lot in this moment, I see a lot in you, I feel? Well I don't know what I feel just yet, but I don't want it to stop, and maybe if I keep writing, I'll finally find all the words I want to share.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Work in Progress
Think I can call it "Drug"
I have this feeling, beneath the surface.
This feeling of hunger, want, desire, need,
all the things that drive the flesh.
Seeping through my skin, into the vain
headed straight to the heart, enslaving my brain.
Visions roll along the back of my eyes
I see everything, how it could be.
It's the chill December wind that brings me back
to a place where it's just me, with out you
It's the hole in my heart, keeps reminding me of the fact
it just won't beat for me, with out you
I have this tightness, inside my chest,
The sight of you, touch, smell and sound
all these things, drive my flesh
Filling the minutes of my days
stealing all the moments of my dreams away
Shivers creep up the back of my spine
I feel everything, how it could be.
It's the chill December wind that brings me back
to a place where it's just me, with out you
It's the hole in my heart, keeps reminding me of the fact
it just won't beat for me, with out you
I have this feeling, beneath the surface.
This feeling of hunger, want, desire, need,
all the things that drive the flesh.
Seeping through my skin, into the vain
headed straight to the heart, enslaving my brain.
Visions roll along the back of my eyes
I see everything, how it could be.
It's the chill December wind that brings me back
to a place where it's just me, with out you
It's the hole in my heart, keeps reminding me of the fact
it just won't beat for me, with out you
I have this tightness, inside my chest,
The sight of you, touch, smell and sound
all these things, drive my flesh
Filling the minutes of my days
stealing all the moments of my dreams away
Shivers creep up the back of my spine
I feel everything, how it could be.
It's the chill December wind that brings me back
to a place where it's just me, with out you
It's the hole in my heart, keeps reminding me of the fact
it just won't beat for me, with out you
Monday, December 5, 2011
I was wrong...
Wow my guts where wrong about something... well so far but there are still little nags sitting back in the darker recess of my frail little brain, telling me that I need to keep them walls high... well maybe we can thin them out just a little bit?
It's nice to be wrong it feels just like I though it would, giddy school girl'd and all. I just hope they keep surprising me... With out even knowing it.
What Dreams May Come?
Do you remember the film Dragonslayer from Disney back in 80's? It was about the village that gives up it's young girls in a Lottery to the Dragon near by as a sacrifice? That's kind of how this dream started out. My number was up and I was sent out into the desert to the Dragon. I was fallowed to the cave by a group of young men, the rumors where crazy on how if any girl tried to run she was usually ravaged beaten and then killed for disgracing the village and not fulfilling her duty... It was a two day trek and I had no food or water. It was to make sure your will was good and broken by the time you got there. The night before I was to arrive at the caves, an older woman snuck into camp and gave me water and told me not to show any fear, and I would be okay. I couldn't tell if she was for real or not from my delirium and hunger.
The last leg of the walk, I had to do on my own. When I got there it was quiet, there where skeletons about not many, some were crushed others blacked to a crisp. I could feel my heart on the back of my tongue, exhausted all I could do was wait. Finally it came out at dusk that only thing that gave it away was the shimmer of the gray on edge of it's jet black scales. I remember thinking it's smaller than I imagined it would be? Of all the fucking things to think when face to face with a Dragon! I laughed at myself, it got closer I could feel it's breath in my face. I laughing at myself, to thinking of all the stupid details I was marveling at moments before I was to be ripped to shreds by this thing. My eyes were round as saucers taking in every detail. There was something so strange about its eyes. I couldn't place it, yet here I was in a mexican stand of with it's giant pale blue colored eye giving me this sideways up and down inspection, and my slack jawed self was unable to do anything but be in dumbfounded awe. I wasn't eating me, it wasn't tearing me into lil bits for Dragon stir-fry, and out of some need my hand began to slowly creep out from the side of my body reaching out to touch it. I was screaming at myself inside my head, "You stupid fool what the hell are you doing!!!" It pulled back just before I could touch the top of it's nose. I turned round and walked away. I crumpled to the ground like a ragdoll.
Woke up sometime in the afternoon with what appeared to be a extra blackened meat laying next to me. The caves where the only kind of shelter near by besides my old village and I couldn't go back there, I'd wonder and explore but would always come back to the caves and find a small craves some where to try and keep warm from the freezing nights, but I hardly ever saw that Dragon, heard it sure, but it seemed to be nocturnal. It went like this for days it seemed till a sand storm threatened the horizon, I would have to go into the caves for shelter and avoid not have my skin pealed off. It was pretty inside not the death and gore I was expecting. The sand stone kind of shimmered when the moon came down through the holes worn away in the top of the range. I walked softly and worked my way back to a safe space and settled in. It was a large opening in the caves no opening to the outside, completely secure and protected from the elements, it was dark but warm somehow and I curled up to rest. When I woke up there was a strange softness beneath me. I had crossed into the home of the Dragon, and again it had shown me kindness. Some time in the early morning when I was completely out. I found myself tucked neatly to it's chest where it's under belly scales where, it was like a heater and surprisingly soft to the touch. It was like the final test, no fear or anything. This was the new understanding... I learned how to hunt with traps from things I found on my exploring and spend the night with the Dragon who brought Water back and cooked my food with electric blue fire.
The month had passed I had survived and the new moon was on it way, it would be pitch black, the Dragon was anxious and yet not making any type of movements that it would be taking its night flight. I did all I could to sooth it, singing seemed to work. there was a fire made, I just kept singing until I passed out. Darkness came with the new moon and I woke with a shiver, I wasn't covered by my familiar huge Dragon blanket for some strange reason, but there was still something wrapped round, holding tight. A man with jet black hair and when the eyes slowly fluttered open they where pale blue. It was my Dragon, a human now shivering from cold just like me. Then we heard what woke us, a horn and chanting, it was very faint and chillingly familiar. It was the war call from my old village they where coming for my friend and protector when he was at his weakest. I ran outside the caves to see how much time we may have to try and hide, there wasn't any, I knew I would have to do something. He stumbled next to me I held him up for the first time ever I saw worry and fear in his eyes. I just smiled at him and kissed his nose the way I had come accustomed to and told him not to worry that it my turn to take care of him, then I ran out into the night.
Dream two...
Oh did I forget to mention there where two exhausting dreams? Ya...
I was in this beautiful house in Santa Cruz In the redwoods. It was filled with all these young guys, most of them where punks, not bad just tones of additude but they where all at that age 17/18 pushing boundaries seeing what they could get away with. One day I was late for work and I had just gotten out of the shower I was running about the place to get ready, of course it turns into a war with the boys and I windup snapping at them including the youngest of the house 7/8. He didn't deserve it. He was so upset. I could see anger and pain in his eyes when he glared at me. I stop everything and take him aside, apologizing and reassuring him that I wasn't angry with him. He was so beautiful, blond/brown dirty hair light eyes and I'd do anything for his smile. I wanted so badly for him to be my boy. I did all I could to make sure that he didn't turn out like all the other little monsters (because that's exactly what they where monsters) in the house. He was different and I needed to keep him safe.
Guess my Mama Bear self is feeling a need to be known. I just wish I knew who the little boy was? The Dragon I know, funny enough that person is a real flesh and bone in my world, which makes things... interesting, but the boy I haven't meet or seen yet? What does it all mean?
The last leg of the walk, I had to do on my own. When I got there it was quiet, there where skeletons about not many, some were crushed others blacked to a crisp. I could feel my heart on the back of my tongue, exhausted all I could do was wait. Finally it came out at dusk that only thing that gave it away was the shimmer of the gray on edge of it's jet black scales. I remember thinking it's smaller than I imagined it would be? Of all the fucking things to think when face to face with a Dragon! I laughed at myself, it got closer I could feel it's breath in my face. I laughing at myself, to thinking of all the stupid details I was marveling at moments before I was to be ripped to shreds by this thing. My eyes were round as saucers taking in every detail. There was something so strange about its eyes. I couldn't place it, yet here I was in a mexican stand of with it's giant pale blue colored eye giving me this sideways up and down inspection, and my slack jawed self was unable to do anything but be in dumbfounded awe. I wasn't eating me, it wasn't tearing me into lil bits for Dragon stir-fry, and out of some need my hand began to slowly creep out from the side of my body reaching out to touch it. I was screaming at myself inside my head, "You stupid fool what the hell are you doing!!!" It pulled back just before I could touch the top of it's nose. I turned round and walked away. I crumpled to the ground like a ragdoll.
Woke up sometime in the afternoon with what appeared to be a extra blackened meat laying next to me. The caves where the only kind of shelter near by besides my old village and I couldn't go back there, I'd wonder and explore but would always come back to the caves and find a small craves some where to try and keep warm from the freezing nights, but I hardly ever saw that Dragon, heard it sure, but it seemed to be nocturnal. It went like this for days it seemed till a sand storm threatened the horizon, I would have to go into the caves for shelter and avoid not have my skin pealed off. It was pretty inside not the death and gore I was expecting. The sand stone kind of shimmered when the moon came down through the holes worn away in the top of the range. I walked softly and worked my way back to a safe space and settled in. It was a large opening in the caves no opening to the outside, completely secure and protected from the elements, it was dark but warm somehow and I curled up to rest. When I woke up there was a strange softness beneath me. I had crossed into the home of the Dragon, and again it had shown me kindness. Some time in the early morning when I was completely out. I found myself tucked neatly to it's chest where it's under belly scales where, it was like a heater and surprisingly soft to the touch. It was like the final test, no fear or anything. This was the new understanding... I learned how to hunt with traps from things I found on my exploring and spend the night with the Dragon who brought Water back and cooked my food with electric blue fire.
The month had passed I had survived and the new moon was on it way, it would be pitch black, the Dragon was anxious and yet not making any type of movements that it would be taking its night flight. I did all I could to sooth it, singing seemed to work. there was a fire made, I just kept singing until I passed out. Darkness came with the new moon and I woke with a shiver, I wasn't covered by my familiar huge Dragon blanket for some strange reason, but there was still something wrapped round, holding tight. A man with jet black hair and when the eyes slowly fluttered open they where pale blue. It was my Dragon, a human now shivering from cold just like me. Then we heard what woke us, a horn and chanting, it was very faint and chillingly familiar. It was the war call from my old village they where coming for my friend and protector when he was at his weakest. I ran outside the caves to see how much time we may have to try and hide, there wasn't any, I knew I would have to do something. He stumbled next to me I held him up for the first time ever I saw worry and fear in his eyes. I just smiled at him and kissed his nose the way I had come accustomed to and told him not to worry that it my turn to take care of him, then I ran out into the night.
Dream two...
Oh did I forget to mention there where two exhausting dreams? Ya...
I was in this beautiful house in Santa Cruz In the redwoods. It was filled with all these young guys, most of them where punks, not bad just tones of additude but they where all at that age 17/18 pushing boundaries seeing what they could get away with. One day I was late for work and I had just gotten out of the shower I was running about the place to get ready, of course it turns into a war with the boys and I windup snapping at them including the youngest of the house 7/8. He didn't deserve it. He was so upset. I could see anger and pain in his eyes when he glared at me. I stop everything and take him aside, apologizing and reassuring him that I wasn't angry with him. He was so beautiful, blond/brown dirty hair light eyes and I'd do anything for his smile. I wanted so badly for him to be my boy. I did all I could to make sure that he didn't turn out like all the other little monsters (because that's exactly what they where monsters) in the house. He was different and I needed to keep him safe.
Guess my Mama Bear self is feeling a need to be known. I just wish I knew who the little boy was? The Dragon I know, funny enough that person is a real flesh and bone in my world, which makes things... interesting, but the boy I haven't meet or seen yet? What does it all mean?
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Of Course it's not September
Because its now fucking October! *sigh* So that month blew by like a bitch out of hell. True I'm a bit grateful because it was such a shit month, but the end of the year looms even closer now, AND the holidays, yelch... I have to say that this year has been a chaotic road of live and learn, but not nearly the shit storm of it's predecessor, so hey at least it's a step in the right direction? If I just didn't have that crap feeling of a giant clock somewhere ticking down to.... well something.
On what I thought would be brighter news, I went out with a guy on Tue. I thought I could call it a date but at the same time, I'm feeling it safer if I just didn't call it anything at all. There is always that "breath holding moments" a day after the encounter where you wonder, "okay where to next?" It makes me terribly insecure and jump to conclusions, but at the same time, I've come to find that those conclusions usually turn out being painfully right.
There have been very few times I've actually surprised myself with being wrong, I would love to be wrong, I would be ecstatic to be proven wrong about my gut feelings. I may just pee myself in the surge of over whelming glee that would take place if I was, "just being a silly over reactive woman" with glee I tell you, but ya that has yet to happen, no over reactive silly woman here. Just a knows all to well, I can read the signs before you can, witchy woman of knowing.
So when you go from what was a flurry of communication on a daily basis to the grinding halt of quick two or three word answers, you pry don't need a bigger "Do Not Enter, Wrong Way" sign than that. Still maybe I can hold my breath for a just a min longer, if anything just to hold on to the glow of a extended conversation of loveliness.
On what I thought would be brighter news, I went out with a guy on Tue. I thought I could call it a date but at the same time, I'm feeling it safer if I just didn't call it anything at all. There is always that "breath holding moments" a day after the encounter where you wonder, "okay where to next?" It makes me terribly insecure and jump to conclusions, but at the same time, I've come to find that those conclusions usually turn out being painfully right.
There have been very few times I've actually surprised myself with being wrong, I would love to be wrong, I would be ecstatic to be proven wrong about my gut feelings. I may just pee myself in the surge of over whelming glee that would take place if I was, "just being a silly over reactive woman" with glee I tell you, but ya that has yet to happen, no over reactive silly woman here. Just a knows all to well, I can read the signs before you can, witchy woman of knowing.
So when you go from what was a flurry of communication on a daily basis to the grinding halt of quick two or three word answers, you pry don't need a bigger "Do Not Enter, Wrong Way" sign than that. Still maybe I can hold my breath for a just a min longer, if anything just to hold on to the glow of a extended conversation of loveliness.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)