I've always wondered...

What it would be like to be a Bitch? I know I talk tough, and I dub my self "a Bitch", "Queen Bitch" even on some occasion, but it isn't really true.  It's more of a joke or a jest. Something  I did to try and reclaim an unjust or slanderious word used about my sex. Like others have taken back other words that are about race or what have you...

Today though, today my friends... Oh yes I will take that title and wear it proudly and perhaps even live up to it because, and I quote, "shit just done got real".

I'm not likely for shit talking, there is nothing that I have ever said or would say about a person that I would not say to their face, because well that's just the kind of person I am. I also don't normally make snap judgements about people. I may get a vibe (and its usually a very dead on one) but I'm pretty willing to fore go that feeling and actually get to know someone for myself, before writing them off or ignoring them, because.... and stick with me on this one.... my perceptions and feelings about someone may not be the same as another's, and I may be capable of cultivating a relationship where someone else hasn't because of that. (Funny little things perceptions)

Any hoo back to this Queen Bitch thang. When I get told that things are being said about my person, by people that don't really know me and obviously don't want to know me because they have decided to make their judgements off someone else's comments, or because my projected personality is one that they don't understand, and do not wish to make investments to understand, I only have one thing to say and yes it is bitchy, so brace yourself, FUCK THAT!

In the immortal words of Popeye, "I am who am", bad times, stress, hard times and all, this is just who am right now. I work my fucking ass off for the very little, and I do mean very little I have. I've fought, and clawed for it, I have put myself in harms way for it, I have taken punches, physically and emotionally, for it. All the these things have shaped and molded me and there plenty of people that have pushed passed any walls I may have, (which are few because I'm not one to really put up any fronts) and met me, gotten to know me, and think I'm a pretty chill and groovie chick.

So again I'm going to slip on the Bitch crown for just a second and say, if you are going to judge on someone else's words, instead of taking the time to find out the truth for yourself, and!!!!! or, then proceed to pretty much snub, ignore and or talk shit, because of it. That's just fine darling, because I don't really need someone like that in my life right now any way.

Fuck ya very much see ya around, if you ever want to actually get to know me for me, have a nice life till then.

My Babies love me...

So one of my greatest fears came to pass today. It's nothing too huge, just one of those things that you worry about if you happen to have cats, especially if they are 50/50 indoor out door aannd they have free access to the house. Yesterday was a long day of car shopping that lead to plans of waking up early on Sunday and drive to Sacramento. (Boo!!) So I proceeded to get to bed around 1:30 am, like I do, When my head finally hit my pillow all I wanted to do was sleep, but a strange smell hit my nose that was odd but strangely familiar. It was sour in a way that almost resemble spoiled food... almost. My room has been filled with many a offence smell since I've had the kittens. There is no need to go into detail on the matter, but just as we have gone through their growing pains of potty training and adolescence and all that lintels, this still wasn't quite like any of those moments. I couldn't pin point the source to save my life as ever once in a while it would drift through my nostrils. My allergies flared up for some crazy reason, (pry all the cleaning the been going on) my eyes where driving my nuts and sneezing eventually wore me out to the point of exhaustion and I proceeded to pass out. Tonight was filled with more cleaning and when I went to change my bedding it happened... I moved my pillows to start sttipping down my bed when low and behold, there was the source of that oh so strange yet familiar smell........ You have to be fucking kidding me?!?!? I think I puked in my mouth just a little bit when I saw it. It even explained the sudden allergy break out of sneezing and itchy swollen eyes. WTF!?!?! A mouse. That't right a very dead and decomposing mouse was left for me under my pillow. OMFG! EWWwwwwwEww Ewww EWWWWWWWWW! After dispatching of the "gift" all I could was laugh. It has to be the most disgusting but also the sweetest thing a pet has ever done. It's one of those moments where I feel like I really got something right. My babies, when out in the wild, feel they need to pay homage to Mama and bring her some of the kill of the day. *sigh* just sucks that I know am going to be completely paranoid (for good reason) and will have to check my bed every night before I go to sleep from here on end.

Tides

I'm feeling a shift like when the tide starts to flow back towards the land and the moon is on high, full and heavy in the sky. She's pregnant with the dreams and possibilities of tomorrow, yet wraps me in her soft glow and covers my face with chilled kisses that keeps me planted here in the now.
There are no promises for she is ever changing but constant in her phases. Reminding me to be as flexable as the water she calls to her, and strong as the waves that swallow the land whole. It'll all happen when it's ment to daughter, take what lays before you and face the future knowing you have all that you need in your hands already.

I have the best guts...

...and I fucking hate it. They always seem to know what's going on even when I don't want to see it. It's like that scene in Clock Work when our little Droogie Alex is strapped up all good like with his peepers peeled back to watch all the flickers. My guts always make me have to take another look at what is going on and try and see the things that I may have missed and pry really don't want to know. They are the quick band-aid rip that stings like a son of bitch, annoys the hell out of you, maybe even piss you off a bit, but at least it's over fast and you forget about it quicker. Ya that's what its like. I hate knowing with out knowing, I hate having this built in bullshit detector... Hell not even bullshit it can be just a little bent truth and my stomach twitches with a sense of, something ain't right here mate. I use to think that I was just being and over reactive, sensitive woman as it were, but Every Fucking time my tummy does this little flip, when I hear a line or read a text, email what ever and it just doesn't seem to add up, there it goes again, *twitch twitch*

"Processing"

I keep hearing this word when in reference to relationships, processing. An I suppose that's what I've been trying to do so far this year, process what it is that I want in life. I've been rather spoiled as of recently, with many new friends that have become wonderful lovers. It's like letting a kid have the keys to a candy store and saying "knock yourself out kid." I must admit as of late, like a kid who's let wild in a candy shop, I have a bit of belly ache and finding that I miss having something with a bit more substance in my life. It's just a matter of now trying to define what that substance is? I will admit I crave to have someone to call my own and vice versa, but at the same time, I have made so many good friends that I've shared such wonderful moments with, I don't want to loose that either. I've been on the hunt to see if I can't maybe stumble my way into an open relationship/ polyamerous or what ever the hell you want to call it. As a women I suppose it's not that hard to find lovers, I've done rather well on that end, but to find a man (note man is the word used here) that is willing not only to be shared (which usually is no problem either) but be willing to share as well, with complete trust love and openness has become a bit more of an enigma to say the least. Still I will fully admit that once I found someone that I did love that much, someone that I could be that open and honest with, the desire or want to be with others wouldn't be that great, but still it's just having the option. I think that may be the failure of my previous relationships, not just the lack of communication and over all lack of honesty (with some), but the fact that I was tied in. I have to admit I feel trapped claustrophobic not just physically either but mentally, emotionally. I think one of things that I have seen with couples that have a open understanding is that they are so close, honest and the fighting isn't over silly things for lack of talking, it's over things that really matter, and even then it's not so much fighting as much as just having a rough patch and working through it. I've always been a preacher of finding an equal, not someone that completes me, but someone that challenges me, a friend, partner in crime, someone to grow and evolve with and never settle down. So there is my processing, now to see what this process may produce. ;)

Out with the old and keep on moving.

So I did my annual phone book cleaning. This year was a bit different though. I think this may have been my heaviest "date" year, and my most disappointed in man kind year as well.
A lot of names where dumped today, and I do mean a lot of names. I was really disappointed by it actually. There were one or two names that I wound up dumping from my phone that actually made me really sad. Names I really enjoyed talking to, names I didn't even give a shit if I wound up dating them or not, because I dug them so much as a person, I just wanted them to be in my life as a friend. The sad thing is I expect more from my friends than I do from someone I'm "dating". I think that may catch a lot of people off guard. Still its better to know these guys can't handle that kind of thing up front I suppose and just be done with it. Still surprises me to this day how many people out there don't believe men and women can be just friends?

Course there is a bit of a personal dilemma with that whole line of thinking... It's like, if I do say I want to date you, it means I'm not expecting it to last very long, but if I want to just hang out with you, get to know you, and be friends, I think you have potential to be something more. Pry some of the craziest logic I've ever had but its very true. Hence I expect way more from my friends than I do my dates, and also why its more of a disappointment to delete a name who I was just hanging out with and getting to known, than a guy I dated once. Oh well...

Shit Sundae No more!

For most of you, who actually know me, I've been running on hard times and on empty, for about three years now. I've been in and out of work, homes, debt, lovers, relationships (and I use that term loosely) needless to say, I've been eating off a shit sundae for a while now, feeling of crap, and doing what I can with what I had, which was jack and shit for too long. NO MORE!!! Finally, yes muthaeffin' FINALLY! I'm starting to see a silver lining shimmer though the storm that has been my days. When I got laid off back in 08 I had just signed up to go back to school (that I now wouldn't afford), I was living on my own for the first time, I was single for the first time in over 5 years. It was the scariest and darkest times in my life thus far, but I learned a lot about myself because of it. True I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, to say the least... as I mentioned they were rather dark times. I had cut myself off from the world I use to know and just dove into the pit, swimming in the darkness because if you can't beat it you might as well revel in it. I was careless, and put myself in harms way more than once. Still I wouldn't trade one minute of it. Made me a tough little bird. When I did finally crawl out of my hole of darkness and was welcome back to my second family, there was a swing on the rise that again gave me a bit of hope. A job that I didn't like but paid well, and a guy I didn't really think would work out, but I thought I would try so to overcome my "vanity". Again mistakes that lead to another lay off, and me learning what it is not to trust, and that vanity is not a bad thing. Also come to understand that sticking with your guts isn't a bad thing either. I fought my way through my second round of unemployment touched bottom of the ocean of debt, almost lost my home, needed to loose my "boyfriend" and found it a little hard to breath. If it weren't for my friends consistent patients, understanding, and forgiveness I never would have survived. I think I mean that literally too. I'm prone for depression and madness, I'm a fucking artistic personality what do you want from me? Still something kept me going, the fact I had acquired animals that needed me to survive was a small part of it. I love my lil Boo's. Seeing their little faces' looking up at me through tears of pain, anger and self hate always kept my heart warm and hopeful. The unconditional love an a animal is so amazing and powerful. If I where a parent I would pry say the same thing about a child, but I'm not so I can't, don't know if I ever will? There have been so many twists and turns I feel like some of it hasn't even been real. The highs and lows of some kind of drug induced dreaming that I was only able to control part of the time, I feel like I've finally broken through the surface of the storm driven seas that have tried to drown me for three years. I'm tossing my shit sundae, because I know there is far better out there for me now and dammit I deserve it. I actually do deserve it, I finally believe that? Why is that so hard for me to fathom at the moment? It's so strange? All the things I thought I was never good enough for, or the things that I thought were all I could get aren't enough. I'm ravenous with a hunger for life that I haven't felt since I was a child. I want to taste and feel and wrap myself in all things possible. All because I refused to let a dead car battery stand in my way, like I may have done a week before. Because I finally tasted the tiniest bit of sunlight and knew what it could be like. Because a smile light up their face when they saw me, not just anyone, but me? Not to worry I'm sill 100% a pessimist no doubt that my dark and broodish ways will ever be lost, but just maybe I'll be smiling a bit more often. Maybe;)