Two lives

    The journey continues… I see that world, I feel it all around me, and inside me. I have changed, I have become! I am having to adjust…. muh. I feel so inadequate to use such a classic cliche, but a butterfly from a caterpillar…. I am having to learn to use my body all over again. I’m letting my eyes adjust, I’m feeling the blood fill my limbs. Its all new again and I'be been trying to figure out how to share it. Then again with some of the looks on some of your faces, I don’t really have to. That has made me smile.

    I’ve been living two lives ever since that day. I keep grasping onto some of my old habits my old way of walking, presenting, talking. I feel like I’m this little person inside my own head looking out through these eyes trying to act “normal” so not scare anybody. It’s like a awkward episode of Dr. Who, which would make it an average episode of Dr. Who if you really think about it?

    I feel like the video you see of a new fold, born just a few hours ago and having to learn how to stand and walk right out of the gate. Its awkward, disorienting, and a bit painful here and there. Stumbling and bouncing off the old things around me, learning how to maneuver toward the new things ahead of me.

    My body has been purging itself, literally I’ve had a snot nose for about a week now it’s been disgusting. I’ve been testing myself, pinching myself just to make sure this hasn’t been a dream. I went out last night, to “party” like you do. It was an old cast from my other life doing things that we did every week. Drink, smoke, b.s. each other, maybe fuck. You know the usual. I was sitting there not even an hour in and already I was twitching, bored, looking around me for stimulation, something real something of worth. basically I looked like a 3 year old who was having to sit and wait at the office while mother took care of business. Squirming I tell ya. I drank my beer, it was alright but ya I didn’t need it. I had a few smokes, actually surprised I didn’t gag like a chump considering I haven’t smoked since that night. I flirted and smiled but I didn’t had no need of them in that way. Test was over when I smiled hugged my old cronies and drove home, and went back to this writing thing. Trying to create some kind of sense out of the wild that's been set free in me.

    It wasn't a dream. This is not just a passing thing, it's all the things and it's back at my fingertips where it always wanted to be. If anything I feel like it's more real now than ever.

Imagine

This John Lennon classic always makes me smile and I did imagine, all the time. Day dreaming about what the world would look like, feel like, without the shackles of this single dimensioned space we all tend to run circles in. Thinking why couldn't it be that way? Why is it such an obscure notion, why wouldn't we all want to change so we can live in a place where everyone is equal, at peace, and can love freely, without judgement, and without fear? Then again those two words, Change, Fear, they affect us so greatly whether we realize it or not.

Change, if you hunger for it, or fear it, it’s happening. You read about it, see it, hear it, feel it, its all around you everyday, it’s in the air, under our feet, with every breath, you can feel it in every place and every moment if you really allow yourself to be in that moment. “lift up the stone you will find me there.” Ever essence of your being and faith/belief becomes clearer and clearer as change takes place and you allow all the things that hold you back, all the things keeping you focused on everything but what you are right here and right now, the real you, the real beautiful honest and truthful you.

I’ve lived in shadow for most my life. Holding back truths I have felt in the very core of me. Things I have not shared with the people I should pry share with most, all out of fear. Fear, the one single thing that is the root of all suffering, all the hate, all the delusions we’ve built around ourselves to justify how we conduct this singular existence, that could be and mean so much more, on so many different levels.

“We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions.

In a world where greed is our god, and wisdom is sin, where division is key

and unity is fantasy, where the ego driven cleverness of the mind is praised,

rather than the intelligence of the heart. “Bill Hicks”

Within one very important moment, I feel like I am awake. All the layers and defenses melted away. I was deconstructed to nothing and was slowly collected together, less the weight of my fears and insecurities. I don’t think I have to imagine what that world without lines looks like now, no class, religions and colors. All the labels and classifications we obsess over, start wars over, and bend morals to keep, even try and force upon others. These identities we cultivate to feel like we belong, when we were never separated or alone in the first place. I am not American, Christian, white, female, or heterosexual, all these things you would assume when you look at me. I am being, the same as you and the same as all living things, full of light and energy to share.

There are still a million things to say, to share and with time more will come.

Alice said it best...

"... I often give myself very good advice, but I very seldom fallow it"

You can always see things from outside the box it's all so clear, all the players are in their places, the heroine the hero, star crossed lovers and the poor comical relief. It all plays out so clear on the stages before us and we can predict and assume everything. It's all so clear all laid out before you like the screen play of a dream.
You can say what ever you want because well you already know the lines of the next act, you the director in the audience with no lights on you with all the notes in your hand, so of course you can see it all and tell the actors how to fix or continue with the play.

When the tables turn though, and you're the one on stage playing your part, the lights are in your eyes, you can barely see past the end of the stage. All consumed with the part, playing like you are the all important lead when really you are just the sap of a comic relief.

So ya I can also talk big game when I see someone and doing things and acting in ways that pry will wind up just burning them in the ass later. I'm in the audience, there is no real emotional investment on my part, maybe some entertainment value or residual empathy from having some partial attachment to a player character.

When it's finally your story being told and you can't ever really see anything coming your way till it's fully in your face. Then it's there you think you have a pulse on the script, you think you got a feeling for your roll, but of course there is always a twist, ahhh that fucking twist.

Needless to say, today I feel a bit heavy and that twist has come down the line, and now I'm going to have to improve my way through the next act to try and keep up. The script is out the door my lovelies. Oh what will happen next? Who knows?

Diary

I have a diary that I keep. It's funny, the things I can write on a page with pen that will never see the light of day... There is so much churning in my brain. All the past starts re-playing like a old fashioned film reel in my head. Like all the old family movies that would play at Christmas, but instead of things I never knew it's all the things that I know all to well, all the things that make me question, think, reevaluate, and think some more.

I always want to try and live in the moment, enjoy the seconds that are just in front of me, but then the old voices of my parents and grandparents ring in my ears and they warn me of watching out for my future.

It is times like these that I wish I had an ear to bend. So many wonderful adoring friends that I would do anything for and would do anything for me, but at the same time, with moments like these I feel like talking would be more of burden than I would ever want to ask of any one, especially when I feel like what I have to say I already have my answer for if I just listen to my gut. I've mentioned them so many times before, my guts.
The always know best, even when I want to question them and press on.

It's one of those moments, you wish you could be the one talking instead of listening, because the voices in my my own head or just too fucking loud.

It's been a long time.

I haven't left in the middle of the night in a long time... It was strange a lot of old memories came back, some I'm not to proud of and some more resent. One resent enough I could taste the bit of blood on the inside of my cheek again from nawing at my own flesh in anger.

All of this shit over the fact that I can't sleep. Obviously I mean I'm up at 3:50am composing random thoughts, haunting my brain, like an exorsist getting rid of demons so maybe I can sleep. Usually its the sex. Usually its being worn out physically, and I can kind of rest, the demons have been feed their pound of flesh as it were and they allow me peace. When that isn't there though writing till my eyes dry out and I can't think of the words anymore seem to be my only salvation.

I was called a player by a man, a full grown Fucking man because I was honest with him and told him I normally don't let partners sleep over, if I even let them visit my home in the first place. He heckled me and said I was cold blooded player. I wanted to kick him in the face. Please ass hole if I was playing you I never would have told you and just kept Fucking you at your place and coming up with stories of why I couldn't stay and why you can't come over. I am no longer a player. I am honest, I'm not going to hide shit from you. I'm not going to play you for my personal selfish reasons, personal vendetta, or grudges. I get the feeling that people want more than I can give and when I'm honest about that, they get pissed. I'm sorry for being honest.

So ya the demons, I think they got over ran by the "ghosts" I can never get rid of.

Hello... My name is Amber, and I'm a runner

It started with a desperate conversation, the “desperate” being me and my overly dramatic emotions over something that now I realize is so fucking trivial it's kind of sad. I was angry and hurt by someone's keeping shit from me. I was fixated on the matter just couldn't let it drop, it was an obsession, I did incredibly out of character things “to try and find the truth of the matter”, I was starting to kind of scare myself. The conversation carried on for quite some time via text between myself and my inside man, the one who makes me really take a hard look at the situation, (namely my sorry ass) and ask the real questions. Oh what a question it would be...

InsideMan:Have you ever thought about why you keep ending up in these situations?

(He's referring to the fact that the last few lovers I've had and developed any kind of feeling for always wind up disappointing me and I become completely defeated in my search for..... well fucked if I really know what for, but something. I didn't even have to think about it, (I'd done enough of that for the past month,) I knew the answer...)

ME: because I'm scared to death of real intimacy, don't think I really deserve it, so what better way to avoid it than to go for what you know you can't have.

Yep that shit came flying form my fingers folks. Now I know I can be fairly “masculine” in my ways, I'm a tomboy, always have been always will be. I'm cocky, I'm too cool for school, I'll take on a challenge with the gusto a high school all star, and the libido, well that is a monster all unto it's self. But scared of intimacy? WTF?!?! That is literally the shit you hear girls sit around and bitch about all the time. I mean don't they have hours upon hours of programming on Lifetime about nothing but that fucking shit?

John Cusack popped into my head from High Fidelity. No, this shit really happened, I promise it'll make since in just a second, unless you haven't seen the film in which case what the hell is wrong with you? All those side notes to the camera flashed though my mind, then landed smack dab on one were he comes to realize it was never about her, it was him....

“I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.” Rob Gordon~ “High Fidelity”

Fuck me... The insight! The whole thing plays back through my head again...

Hi my name is Amber and I'm a runner.

God I'm such a shit. I look back and realize all the the things I did, holding a hand out to touch and feel but keeping the other hand ALL the way out to keep anyone from getting to close. So wrapped up in my own insecurity, so scared that I'll never be good enough that I search, literally search for reasons to reject someone before they can reject me. That whole statement, “you have to love yourself..” came to mind, and  okay so it's true, but it's just so fucking bullshit fluff... can't we just say, "you just have to learn to accept your self," makes it way more palatable, don't you think?

So I'm broken, yaya we're all broken. I figured that when sitting on a couch and being teased about something only to have my partner come back and very jokingly, say “umm commitment issues much?” and it made your heart jump. That millisecond of a joke made me cringe and kind of think. I've since talked with three old lovers that all said the same thing. How I was there but a million miles away. Trying to keep them close but never really giving it all back, not all of it, not the honesty, not the vulnerability. I've talked and talked about those things till the cows would come home, I offer it, (to all the people I know won't take it) and run at the moment I think I may actually mean it. What a fucking bullshiting coward...

Reflection

So yes I'm writing again, with a demon like possession. I've been taken in by this need to face who I use to be and try and make the changes I need to start walking forward instead of back wards. Maybe figure out a bit more about me and what it is I really want in the fucking world.

I've been down so many rabbit holes I feel like I cant see the light anymore and that is fucking me today. I've fallen back into the bullshit of always looking to tomorrow for my answers instead of at the day, I'm not in the  moments I'm breathing now. You or more specifically I, get so wound up on trying to guess the next step that I keep missing the moment in front of me. How many smiles or kisses have I missed because my brain was somewhere else, thinking of work or not in the moment that was staring me in the face.

It's all fear again, I was so fearless not that long ago? I feel like I was? I didn't give as much a shit of what people though of me. I didn't need that validation but recently I want something. I wish I knew what it was.
I keep thinking it's one thing but it's not, the feelings behind it are so false and contrived.  The negative feelings and the actions taken prove that it's not the right avenue to walk down.

So I write, I look at my self through the magnifying glass. I was terrible, I'm becoming terrible. I write and exercise the demons of my past. I revel in some of my conquests, I look to see where I've come from and how I managed to walk away fairly unscathed. I look at all the times I've been fooled and what I learned and how it's made stronger and honed my skills. I know better now, I can since things now, I need to learn to trust myself again and stop justifying other's actions. I can't stop believing the good in man, but I can't give my faith over fully and just trust I need to stop fearing my instincts, the only main thing I need to trust in is myself and the moment and the now.