Mass or Nothing?

So it's a funny thing when you finally learn the big lesson of "no regrets", by watching it in action.

So there is a girl, a very lovely yet broken girl. I love her dearly and know that the thing she is running towards are brash, and set the "worried line" deeper into my brow, but there is nothing I can do, nor should I do.

It's all wonderfully horrible actually. It's not till your teaching about regret, and the student says they understand, yet in their eyes you can see they do not, do you yourself truly begin to understand "no regrets". It's the steps they take down their own path, and only after that path has ended, will they truly come to understand what you were trying to show them.

It's after all that that you come to truly understand... There is no "good", there is no "bad", it's all relevant to the perception of the individual and how they use their actions to enrich their lives or ignore the value completely. Positive equals mass and there fore fills space and negative equals a lack of mass and there fore empty space, so it's up to one's self to learn and fill the space or ignore and leave the space empty...

Smile

Every time it happens,it just gets a little bit better. The smiles come faster the laughter is fuller, things feel's nice.I kind of don't want it stop any time soon. I like smiling.

Honest

It's a bad thing when you know you're not being completely honest with some one and even worse when that some one happens to be yourself. I just don't know how to steer these things? And in things I mean emotions.
Do you say it, just open your mouth and let it all fall out, at the risk of being a complete jack assed fool. Or do you bite your tongue and just let time take its course and see?
I've never been very good at these things, and the few times I've taken advice about it... Well I should have just left well enough alone.
WWSS? What would Steve say? Seriously, he's the one that always gives me the most blunt and honest truth, the one that kicks me hard for being such a blind idiot at the moment and time, and not listening to my own words. Your gut is usually a pretty reliable thing. So WWSS? WAKE UP!
Stop guessing, either just fucking do it, or shut the fuck up about it and move on girl. Seriously that's all you got to do.

Letter

I keep working on this imaginary letter to you in my mind. Sitting with pen and paper, scribing it all down then crumpling it up and trowing it away. You'd think the older you get, the stronger you'd be, the more knowledgeable you'd become, the easier it is to talk. Yet here I am feeling weak, uncertain and unable to find words that seem to fit?

Maybe Ben was right?

So maybe Ben was right? I found it interesting last night, this morning, that smell is a really curious and strong memory. When I woke up in my bed there was something still lingering that kept taking me back to his bed? There was a millisecond of almost forgetting where I was even through out the day there would be a strange sensation, something that kept taking me back to the night before. Finally I realized what it was. The smell, it was on my clothes, my skin, the slightest lingering of sent that kept creeping it's way back cross my nose making me forget where I was for the briefest second. It felt nice,warm,like a soft chuckle under neath someone's breath. Maybe Ben was right, it's stronger then you realize, sent. So what does that do for me now?

unknown crypticness

I laugh at some of my old posts where something is obviously going on but I don't have enough balls to just come straight out and say it. That's just the passive aggressive anger in me I guess. I don’t like to be upset, not saying that anyone likes to be upset, I just tend to really not care for it and there fore never wish to see any one round me/care for, be upset. Even if it means that I sacrifice some of my comfort or wants at the time.

I'm sitting at that impasse again and it kills a little. I'm finding myself second guessing a lot of the choices I've made and trying to see the good in them, to find the lessons and by pass any kind of regret I may harbor on the matter. With the never ending feeling of floating through life on a day to day basis, the aimlessness the feeling of there being no true path or destination in site. It’s all just survival and having to do what ever it is so you can get by, there fore giving up on ever being the master of my own density again and never reaching those ideals I had set for myself not even a year ago now.

Where do I go now? What do I do? I hate being upset and feeling useless and listless, and more than anything powerless. There are some choices in my court that can be made but the consequences behind... So not all crypticness aside but most of it, I’m lost and unhappy and frustrated as hell, day dreaming my life away at the moment because of the feeling that there is no other way I would ever be able to experience my dreams.

Rolling

It’s funny how things happen, how sensitive the world can be to out fears or desires, thoughts etc etc... I sit, think, write and then discard feelings that welled up with in me. So through the therapy of writing it all down and deleting it into the cyber garbage of nothingness I am cured of my unwanted mess.

Out of the blue, his mess slips into reality as if the collective of one man’s subconscious had rifled through my forgotten cyber trash and put it out there as a brief yet friendly reminder that once tossed, not always forgotten.

Still it depends on how you let it affect you, after the fact. The true test, does it roll off a now more tolerant back, or does it seep its way back under your skin? I’m glad to say, for now, let the times keep rolling...