When worlds collide

I was hopping for more, but can't say I'm to terribly surprised. After seeing the blank empty stare in your eyes as the cloud of your demons escaped the lungs, I had a feeling that the talk was going to be in vain and a waste of gas, again... I sat there looking at the rings under your eyes, the emptiness and flatness taking the place of what was bright inquisitiveness. I don't know if its just because I came to know you more, and the bright shiny aspects of what I thought was someone "out of my league", had fallen to the way side, or just the facts that you no longer had the strength to care or pretend to be the bright light you wanted so badly to be? Don't get me wrong I know we can't all be amazing power houses everyday, but there was a purpose to this sit down, and to see no light, no warmth, not actual interest or concern, despite any fatigue, was the true disappointment. 

To think there was a very brief moment you called me Goddess, there was a beautiful revival in my connection with you. You seemed so open, you believed in me not to judge you, to accept you. You saw me and my strength and accepted me as an equal. You said you had respect for me once. Hence why you wanted to be friends and keep me close. I was one of the only women who challenged you you in the bed room, you could share with me, say what ever was going on in your world with out edits or holding back. Some where between your need to be dominate and my lusts for physical excursion and limitless pushing we found a mutual admiration. It seemed to grow and evolve into this curious friendship/partnership. Trust admiration even love was born out of what in the beginning was not anything more than a few rounds of lust.

I'm sorry if I've came to expect more from you. You had shown me your vulnerability, your insecurity, and your weaknesses, weather you knew you were or not. I've seen you puff up like a peacock to demonstrate the prowess you've cultivated to get what you feel you need from others. I've heard your boasts of power of persuasion, I seen you use it. I feel I've known more of you than you ever meant to share. Maybe that is where this pain and frustration with in me comes from. I have seen this beautiful person you want to be. Hell I found parts of myself in it's reflection. Then again this is the definition of Empathy, this is the true path of the Empath. You do not see it, you do not feel it, that unexplained bond that develop, is me allowing myself to connect to you, which makes that connection so much more intense to me than it is to you. It is so much more fragile. For every careless word and action that means nothing to you, it turns in to a sledgehammer into the brain for me. When I sit and explain to you that you have hurt me, I have lost trust in you, that the consistent bombardment of carelessness and unsympathetic actions has cut me, understand that I'm not saying it for my own health, I am not merely getting things of my chest. I am a mirror in front of you asking you to look at what it is you are putting out to the world and those around you. When you close your eyes and keep looking away, it becomes so painful to know that I have to cut that cord and turn away myself. 

It is so painful for those moments, breathing, feeling it slip away, as you pull yourself out of the space of another. Letting the doors close behind you. Its cold, for a bit, it stings like alcohol on a fresh wound, there is a bite there is a smell almost of something burning. a cut being cauterized. All of those seconds crash in around your head leaving you with brief moments of fight or flight. You either want to cause the same pain, or you want to just run as far away as you can. Neither is the answer, closer is needed. You will need those final moments to sit and let it all pass over you with the other there, having no clue what is taking place right before them. It will be frustrating, it will hurt but it just has to be done, to sit and talk as if there is nothing taking place, to sit and let them ignore what's really happening. It fine, you let it wash over you and out of you and back to where it came from. 

When I left that day, which was what I am pretty sure would will be the last time, my head lifted. I slipped into my car and turned on the engine. I cried a little I cursed, I was angry, I reached out to the world, and started to drive. With in moments I was cradled by the world and found my way back to friends and family. I was supported I was loved and I was happy. The next day, there was less weight, and these words started finding there way to my fingers. At first it was a e-mail, but I realized that there was no point when it only would be read by what I knew now was a fairly careless heart. So I continued to compose and I thought of others I've known who have been in this place and felt this way and didn't quite know why. Well this is why.

Please don't undersell yourself. You are not crazy, you are not over dramatizing, you are giving a gift, and sometimes there are those who are not ready for it and it has to be taken back. They will not see it they will not undersand why you are being so "sinsitive" about something that doesn't really matter, or why its that big of deal. Take your time, and say what you need to say, let it wash over them and yourself, and if there is nothing in return, then sit, breath, take your time, bring back all that wich you gave, no matter how painful it may be right then and there, just breath, and make sure you let it all slip back to where it belongs return you to your balance. Come back from the things you knew and saw coming, and you know what I mean. Trust your self, believe in your intuition. Your are a beutiful being of light and dark, and you are fully aware, thake care of yourself. 

Letting go and moving on.

These past few months have been a very overwhelming jounrey for me. I have been filtering through the ashes of my previous life, cleaning up, and learning every day how to manouver theough this place, with my sinces and awareness on max over drive.

The new lessons I've been trying to absorb? Simplifying, and letting go of the pains from the past. Most have been shead becasue they were self inflicted pains, things I take responsabliltiy for and did to myself. There are other pains though, connected to people, people I use to be close to, people I wish I could introduce myself to again. Hell I'm having to do that now with people I don't have these old hangups with, so you can imagine how hard it might be with people who I've bled over, (metaphorically of course).

I use to laugh when Cory referred to people as humans when talking about dealing with social interactions. Now, I kind of get it. I did it a few days ago when talking about trying to be social again. I was shocked to hear it come out of my mouth. "Humans" to know what it is to be one, but not feel connected to it in the same way. It makes this processes even tougher. There is an Amber suit I feel I have to slip back on from time to time to deal with some aspects of life, certain people I have to interact with. It feels a bit icky and well used let me tell you, that suit would not pass a black light test.... I'm hoping some day I won't need it. That I can toss it for good but I have a feeling that will take a little time.

Now with some time under my belt and getting a bit stronger on my legs, I've gained a bit of objective with the clarity. Thank goodness. Seeing everything is one thing but having the where with all to processes it, totally different story. It's like that secene from the "The Man of Steel" (yes it kinda sucked but you know all damn well you watched it) where the helmet breaks and Zod is over come with everything bombarding his system at once. Ya it's kinda like that. So you miss a lot of the finer details of the things right in front of you sometimes.

Kind of sad to say now that I'm catching up with all my processing, a connection I made on this journey, wasn't as shared as I thought. It's a strange thing when seeing someone wanting to be where your at and have what you have, (even when your bumbling like Bambi) To hear them say they doubt you get it. They unknowingly try to belittle you in some ways, always have to take the lead and be teacher. Still holding on to old vices and not having the guts to admit it. Little lies little cracks. They want it so bad, and they could... My first disappointment so far. Not as devastating as I thought it would be. There where brief moments of fire and brimstone, but I calmed, I centred, I asked and heard what what was said behind the defensiveness. The brimstone died down, and I could see the struggle of the ego. It passed, and I still loved, but I do need to keep moving forward.

Two lives

    The journey continues… I see that world, I feel it all around me, and inside me. I have changed, I have become! I am having to adjust…. muh. I feel so inadequate to use such a classic cliche, but a butterfly from a caterpillar…. I am having to learn to use my body all over again. I’m letting my eyes adjust, I’m feeling the blood fill my limbs. Its all new again and I'be been trying to figure out how to share it. Then again with some of the looks on some of your faces, I don’t really have to. That has made me smile.

    I’ve been living two lives ever since that day. I keep grasping onto some of my old habits my old way of walking, presenting, talking. I feel like I’m this little person inside my own head looking out through these eyes trying to act “normal” so not scare anybody. It’s like a awkward episode of Dr. Who, which would make it an average episode of Dr. Who if you really think about it?

    I feel like the video you see of a new fold, born just a few hours ago and having to learn how to stand and walk right out of the gate. Its awkward, disorienting, and a bit painful here and there. Stumbling and bouncing off the old things around me, learning how to maneuver toward the new things ahead of me.

    My body has been purging itself, literally I’ve had a snot nose for about a week now it’s been disgusting. I’ve been testing myself, pinching myself just to make sure this hasn’t been a dream. I went out last night, to “party” like you do. It was an old cast from my other life doing things that we did every week. Drink, smoke, b.s. each other, maybe fuck. You know the usual. I was sitting there not even an hour in and already I was twitching, bored, looking around me for stimulation, something real something of worth. basically I looked like a 3 year old who was having to sit and wait at the office while mother took care of business. Squirming I tell ya. I drank my beer, it was alright but ya I didn’t need it. I had a few smokes, actually surprised I didn’t gag like a chump considering I haven’t smoked since that night. I flirted and smiled but I didn’t had no need of them in that way. Test was over when I smiled hugged my old cronies and drove home, and went back to this writing thing. Trying to create some kind of sense out of the wild that's been set free in me.

    It wasn't a dream. This is not just a passing thing, it's all the things and it's back at my fingertips where it always wanted to be. If anything I feel like it's more real now than ever.

Imagine

This John Lennon classic always makes me smile and I did imagine, all the time. Day dreaming about what the world would look like, feel like, without the shackles of this single dimensioned space we all tend to run circles in. Thinking why couldn't it be that way? Why is it such an obscure notion, why wouldn't we all want to change so we can live in a place where everyone is equal, at peace, and can love freely, without judgement, and without fear? Then again those two words, Change, Fear, they affect us so greatly whether we realize it or not.

Change, if you hunger for it, or fear it, it’s happening. You read about it, see it, hear it, feel it, its all around you everyday, it’s in the air, under our feet, with every breath, you can feel it in every place and every moment if you really allow yourself to be in that moment. “lift up the stone you will find me there.” Ever essence of your being and faith/belief becomes clearer and clearer as change takes place and you allow all the things that hold you back, all the things keeping you focused on everything but what you are right here and right now, the real you, the real beautiful honest and truthful you.

I’ve lived in shadow for most my life. Holding back truths I have felt in the very core of me. Things I have not shared with the people I should pry share with most, all out of fear. Fear, the one single thing that is the root of all suffering, all the hate, all the delusions we’ve built around ourselves to justify how we conduct this singular existence, that could be and mean so much more, on so many different levels.

“We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions.

In a world where greed is our god, and wisdom is sin, where division is key

and unity is fantasy, where the ego driven cleverness of the mind is praised,

rather than the intelligence of the heart. “Bill Hicks”

Within one very important moment, I feel like I am awake. All the layers and defenses melted away. I was deconstructed to nothing and was slowly collected together, less the weight of my fears and insecurities. I don’t think I have to imagine what that world without lines looks like now, no class, religions and colors. All the labels and classifications we obsess over, start wars over, and bend morals to keep, even try and force upon others. These identities we cultivate to feel like we belong, when we were never separated or alone in the first place. I am not American, Christian, white, female, or heterosexual, all these things you would assume when you look at me. I am being, the same as you and the same as all living things, full of light and energy to share.

There are still a million things to say, to share and with time more will come.

Alice said it best...

"... I often give myself very good advice, but I very seldom fallow it"

You can always see things from outside the box it's all so clear, all the players are in their places, the heroine the hero, star crossed lovers and the poor comical relief. It all plays out so clear on the stages before us and we can predict and assume everything. It's all so clear all laid out before you like the screen play of a dream.
You can say what ever you want because well you already know the lines of the next act, you the director in the audience with no lights on you with all the notes in your hand, so of course you can see it all and tell the actors how to fix or continue with the play.

When the tables turn though, and you're the one on stage playing your part, the lights are in your eyes, you can barely see past the end of the stage. All consumed with the part, playing like you are the all important lead when really you are just the sap of a comic relief.

So ya I can also talk big game when I see someone and doing things and acting in ways that pry will wind up just burning them in the ass later. I'm in the audience, there is no real emotional investment on my part, maybe some entertainment value or residual empathy from having some partial attachment to a player character.

When it's finally your story being told and you can't ever really see anything coming your way till it's fully in your face. Then it's there you think you have a pulse on the script, you think you got a feeling for your roll, but of course there is always a twist, ahhh that fucking twist.

Needless to say, today I feel a bit heavy and that twist has come down the line, and now I'm going to have to improve my way through the next act to try and keep up. The script is out the door my lovelies. Oh what will happen next? Who knows?

Diary

I have a diary that I keep. It's funny, the things I can write on a page with pen that will never see the light of day... There is so much churning in my brain. All the past starts re-playing like a old fashioned film reel in my head. Like all the old family movies that would play at Christmas, but instead of things I never knew it's all the things that I know all to well, all the things that make me question, think, reevaluate, and think some more.

I always want to try and live in the moment, enjoy the seconds that are just in front of me, but then the old voices of my parents and grandparents ring in my ears and they warn me of watching out for my future.

It is times like these that I wish I had an ear to bend. So many wonderful adoring friends that I would do anything for and would do anything for me, but at the same time, with moments like these I feel like talking would be more of burden than I would ever want to ask of any one, especially when I feel like what I have to say I already have my answer for if I just listen to my gut. I've mentioned them so many times before, my guts.
The always know best, even when I want to question them and press on.

It's one of those moments, you wish you could be the one talking instead of listening, because the voices in my my own head or just too fucking loud.

It's been a long time.

I haven't left in the middle of the night in a long time... It was strange a lot of old memories came back, some I'm not to proud of and some more resent. One resent enough I could taste the bit of blood on the inside of my cheek again from nawing at my own flesh in anger.

All of this shit over the fact that I can't sleep. Obviously I mean I'm up at 3:50am composing random thoughts, haunting my brain, like an exorsist getting rid of demons so maybe I can sleep. Usually its the sex. Usually its being worn out physically, and I can kind of rest, the demons have been feed their pound of flesh as it were and they allow me peace. When that isn't there though writing till my eyes dry out and I can't think of the words anymore seem to be my only salvation.

I was called a player by a man, a full grown Fucking man because I was honest with him and told him I normally don't let partners sleep over, if I even let them visit my home in the first place. He heckled me and said I was cold blooded player. I wanted to kick him in the face. Please ass hole if I was playing you I never would have told you and just kept Fucking you at your place and coming up with stories of why I couldn't stay and why you can't come over. I am no longer a player. I am honest, I'm not going to hide shit from you. I'm not going to play you for my personal selfish reasons, personal vendetta, or grudges. I get the feeling that people want more than I can give and when I'm honest about that, they get pissed. I'm sorry for being honest.

So ya the demons, I think they got over ran by the "ghosts" I can never get rid of.