Call me Rae

     Wow 6 years, it's been a very long while. Not to worry there is still plenty of dark and crunchy center to be had, with an even more bitter after taste, little less nicotine, a hell of a lot more green, and BOOCHA for all!  Since we last left our intrepid outer plainer... 

    I can with much certainty account a true connection has been found, and of course it is not conventional, nor ordinary, but the most boring and wonderful thing I have know in this existence. A life evolving and never quite the same, its is a quiet and subtle thing, with some of the most profound and shattering affects yet. 

    I'm 45... FUCKING 45, from the body that believed 30 would never be. I'm Nonbinary, no huge surprise to those who know me, I am asexual, a huge surprise from the "Female Casanova" of yore... I came out to my immediate family, kind of.... I mean it's not easy to explain to a certain generation, let alone a generation that just so happens to be calcified in "dogma", how you've never been, "a girl" but you sure as hell not "a boy" and that although the walking meat bag of a form you where born with and is presented to the public, is not even close to being an accurate interpretation of the creature you are have been, is NOT an easy task. One would like to think that explaining this personal journey to those who believe in a "man in the clouds" that watches and records ever fucking/sucking (literally and figuratively) thing you do, from the moment a sperm makes way into a egg, should be a fairly digestible concept to convey, but alas. Compromise is a complex thing, but patients is a virtue best spent, We do what we can as long as love exists in the spaces in-between.

    We have found that in this day and age, things coupled with a multitude of stuff, have become highly disappointing. I wish I could say I was surprised as to just how far backwards and up our ass this country and quite frankly, (Hi Frank) the planet has strayed towards a dystopia, but I am not, still it seems as good a reason as any to begin to pontificate all over the interwebs again. When a real life deja vu night-terror cycles round four years later, one can't help but begin to believe that glitches with in a matrix are a more real thing in existence than any unseen god, because a mummy like disney automaton and a spoiled giant mutant cheeto monster being the only two things presented to be leader of one of the more "powerful" (let face it deadly) bodies of land on the planet does not a choice make! 

    Oh there are so many things to bitch and groan on about, so many thoughts about the shitnado TM (make that in to a fucking film ya filthy animals) that we try and wade through on the daily. Can't wait to get tippity tapping away to EXSORSIZE the demons! Welcome back. 

Here is the where

You drink from my strength,

I feast from your passion Betwixt the space in the mist floating breathless That is where one can find this dance. Where hard earth strikes against its self Taking life's spark from the very air, it grows It consumes It reclaims It is something new Frightening, beautiful You sing to my soul I tend to your heart Inside the deepest forest that holds the oldest secrets This is the place we keep sanctuary Where wild waves crash Into one another leaving it's mark in the very stone, it swells It washes It calms It is something of awe Wondrous, familiar We quell one another's fears We feed each others beast It is every evolving, brave, hungry and ours

work in progress: relationships

I read a blog post on Facebook that an acquaintance shared, a blog entry that I’ve actually seen before about how it's hard to be single. I didn't care for it, and I found myself being very unsettled by it, almost angered by it to be honest. (¾ of that frustration stemming from the fact that the people posting it have never really been single for more than 2 years or so, or not single at the moment….) So ya after cooling my heals a bit and going back and rereading the actual blog entry again, I wanted to try and figure out why the blog itself left a bad taste in my mouth.

There are many things in this world that break my heart on a daily basis, most of them come down to the same bottom of line of how we look at and treat one another. I am nothing close to perfect, (none of us are, or should ever really strive to be to be honest) but I do try and show people who I am, and how I wish to be treated in each moment, with the life I live day to day. So to the point of my ramblings today is, the grass will always be greener on the other side, especially if we keep having these unhealthy and unrealistic expectations from and of one another.

First thing is first, I don’t think monogamy really works or is completely healthy, I think it’s a societal tool, used to cement bull shit “standars of living” and non realistic sexual identities (more so back in the 50’s give or take) so the population could be manipulated and controlled. Now moving past my crazy conspiracy theories, I’ll get to the heart and soul to the matter.

People, especially Americans, seem to be obsessed with the concept of “winning” which can be translated in a lot of ways, but for this particular topic we will call it the “completion complex”. Do you remember that movie with Tom Cruise and the lil kid with the glasses, that everyone thought was just too cute? It was thought to be a romantic comedy, a feel good flick. After watching it I wanted to ask the people that said those things, why do they think so little about their fellow beings? It’s an awful film about co-dependency and emotional manipulation! “You complete me” which made every one go “ahhhhhh that’s so sweet” made me go “WTF!?!?! Fuck off with your fucking shit you fuckshit” yes I was that angry.

Let us examine this oh so simple yet fucked up term of endearment shall we??

“You complete me.”

#1 the obvious one, stating the fact that you need to be with a partner in order to have completion within your existence. WRONG! This is a big one with a lot of different talks around it, and I’m going to skip right past all the, “you have to love you first, be a whole person before you get involved”, because yes, though there is validity in those ideas and are even discussed in the blog post that started me on this rampage, but it’s not the main reason why this one particular saying pisses me off.
People are never complete! If at any point and time you look around you, on this HUGE fuck off planet, not to mention universe, and say to yourself, yep I’ve done it all, I am a whole person and have nothing more to learn or understand, do us all a favor and just crawl back into the neanderthal hole you came out of.

(I'll admit I've used the term “I am a whole person” to describe myself, but more in the terms that I don't need another person to complete me.)

#2 It keeps enforcing this rather cruel and fucked up notion that it’s a bad thing to be a single individual in the world, and it also puts a value scale on affection. Which in itself is a goddamned gift from anyone willing to share it, so why on earth would you devalue and kind of affection over another?

The article basically inspired me to do a lot of deconstruct thinking on the ideas of relationships, how they created this thing I’m working on called the "myths of monogamy and romantic love". Society is obsessed with the idea of normalcy, and nothing is a more valid representation of that normal life than completing yourself with a romantic partner and creating a  "strong enough" relationship to maintain a monogamous union. I mean think about it, why don't people believe they can't get the same kind of feelings of love, intimacy, safety and trust from connections from anyone other than their partner? Why can't the hugs, kisses, touch, close moments with all people in your life be just as meaningful as the one's you share with "your partner".

I was curious if some of it has to do with the stigma of being single and all the negative social bullshit that's built round it. Example you say? Well I am technically single, because I don't have “my partner”. I in fact have many partners, of which I share many different types of intimacy with. Some sexual, some emotional, some spiritual, some a combo of those elements and more, but because of the limited social status identification, I am someone that most people will think of in a piddy, negative, sorry, sad, hell even suspicious manner because I'm not "in a relationship".

Thinking like I do , about the concept of "romantic love", the fact that the biological reaction to the release of chemicals that give us that euphoric high, making us feel connected, ie: the physical act of sex (hence it being such a strong argument for intimacy and the main source of the need for sex beyond procreation) validates your connection with your partner.... but after sharing my time with certain people in my life, I’m beginning to appreciate that same high, created with only mental stimulation. It's the fact that some communication is at such a heightened level, that it creates similar if not maybe the same biological endorphins of the act of sex! It makes me truly wonder, if not hope that our evolutionary path, of the mind, isn't in full swing, to bring mankind more out of our flesh and more into the amazing euphoric gifts of the mind, to which we've only read about in scifi so far.

So in the idea of this higher mind love, is there is the possibility of breaking the "monogamy myth" and even the idealized concept of  "romantic love" and stop giving them so much power over or the definition of what can be amazing intimacy, trust, affection, and hell just feelings of love itself? Breaking the old fashioned thought process could hopefully lend to the beginnings of allowing oneself to really feel the rush of the mental and or other affectionate moments outside of the traditional relationship, and let them have the same validity as said previous arrangement.

After doing a little research on the “origins of monogamy” which are still in debate, and with valid reason. Most studies still came from the evolution path that monogamy evolved out of economical benefits. There are even some theories that came from the base the rampant STDs helped mold the more common practice of monogamy.  Ever since then, through mostly anglo saxon religion selling moral high grounds (not to mention the control of women) that monogamy is the only true form of not only physical but spiritual love. Just ignore the fact that some of the most principled characters in the holy book were polygamists. All bless hypocrisy.

Now I will take this moment to address the fact that I do not wish to belittle or disrespect the generations that have come before me that have committed themselves to the institution in place. After reading my words, you may think that they are from a life who was put through the trials of divorced parents, but I'll have to break your suspicions right there and tell you that my parents are still married and where hitched up in their teens and 20’s even. If anything my ideas come from my huge respect from witnessing the trials of what is considered a successful union and continually building on the concepts of ideal love. Which yes in itself is a flawed statement.

I do honestly believe we are an ever evolving entity bound to change not only physically but mentally and maybe spiritual, perhaps soulfully is a better word, as well. I write this to challenge your current concepts of self, self love, self trust and self acceptance. I think in those moments we can truly begin to challenge all the these imposed and limited concepts and really find true or if you prefer real love and not just the fanciful based romantic kind.

So with that being said. I want to examine, the aspects of the monogomas indaviduals conformity to open arrangments. Usually it starts with the exposure of being with some whom is already non-monogomas. One of the main requestes I see made during this time of transition is that the partners become, exclusive to one another till the monogomas partner feels they are comfortable with opening up the relationship. Is that fair to ask someone? Give up your lifestyle and wait for me to explore, only maybe possibly incorporate? I guess it depends on your devotion and feelings toward the person asking you to make this huge change/ sacrifice.

Maybe instead of trying to stay together, it's better to be friends (and not friends with bennies mind you since that isn’t what the monogamous party would really want, right?)but just friends until they figure out what they're doing. It would be healthier to be viable resource of knowledge and experience and hold space as a friend, than play the relationship limbo game. Most polly/open friends who have been caught in this sort of situstion, have discribed it as feeling like a kind of emotional trick to get them to give up part of who they are just so they'll be with with the monogomas partner, under the disguise of a communicative negotiations.

Their baggage will continue to be an issue for them, even if they commit to being in an open relationship. If they're still using poor experiences from a previous relationship to dictate how they handles future ones, it would seem wise to sort those things out first. Monogomas or openrelaionship.
Emotional baggage is a very tough things to deal with, especially when that baggage dictates how you expect people to respond to your needs and emotions. Often times it creates a bitch of a catch-22 where one person feels trapped by their baggage and there for thrusts that on their partner.

Many people I know have relationship conflucts that revolves primarily around sex, how do we begin to understand and manage those difference and demands under the restraints of commitment, which is where monogomy seems to have its biggest failings. No matter what compromises are created, they are still just that, compromises, which means someone, sacrifices a part of themselves to sustain the solitary relation.

 They should come up with a sex drive exchange machine. You got too much it makes you in happy, you got to little and it makes things rough, well cum on down to the sexdrive exchange program where you can drop off or pick up all you need for a simple monthly fee of 89.95 a month. Lol

The sexual potency of women and how that is a true fear, the origins of female repression throughout the years. Take it back.  (More research on how women and sexual power)

I'm feeling more and more like the Mad Hatter, which is a bit scary because I know most will not fully understand my intentions, but it's still liberating because I'm starting to live it and feel the benefit of the madness. I am as I have stated a few times, a true idealistic, and hopeless romantic. I'm not here to say anyone who practices monogamy is wrong, it's your life and path for only you to live. I am just asking you to maybe open the circle and start to accept all the love that is given to you every day by all the people in your life and not put value on it, because it’s not provided to you by someone that society and or a organized religion and government deems normal and complete.

Remember when I told you I was crazy.

This is my coming out day, I’ll pry loose a few of you over this, and I understand. There is a lot anger out there and the things I’m going to say are things I’ve seen a lot of people point fingers at and call part of the problem, so if you can read this whole thing and still say that I myself am part of the problem, I hear you, and it’s all good, you do what you feel you need to do. I know my worldview and why I do the things I do, could pry get me locked up in a white padded room, but it’s incredibly real to me, it’s my truth, so take a big breath, and here we go.....

The stress, anger, pain, disbelief, frustration, and fear a lot of people are feeling now, are the things I have been feeling and carrying with me for a very long time. The earth has been screaming at us for decades now, I think in some way the current political events, along with the UK leaving the euro union and other fucked shifts, is the infected boil that's been festering for far too long on this planet, finally exploding.

The "system" is shit. I believe it’s been nothing but the pile of band aids people have been using to try and fix the huge festering ignorant infection that is the human race. Not Dem. Not Rep. Not third party, catholic, muslim, jew, gay, straight, trans, black, white, mexican etc... But every last human on this planet (that includes me by the way). I'm seeing a lot of things happen that breaks my heart, people calling out third party, people calling out the DNC, everyone pointing fingers looking for the witch to burn. All this anger (which is fear) exploding all over the place and people blasting and getting into arguments, yelling, without a lot of listening and it’s a giant shut down. No hearts in motion, just anger and fear which are all valid emotions.

My mama bear heart, real love activism is in full effect. There can be no more doubt when I tell you this, we have labeled ourselves into corners, we have boxed ourselves into darkness and now, really now, I hope this explosion of WTF?!! Is bright enough to burn into the back or our ignorant naked ape brains, we can vote all we want, pass as many laws as we think it’s gonna take, but at the end of the day, when they can be just overturned or re-written “by the other side”, why? Laws to force people to accept one another, to protect us from each other? Please tell me I’m not the only one who is seeing how broken this shit is? I honestly don’t think it makes it any better, I think it hardens hearts, and closes minds to any possibility of accepting each other. Until we as the human race, (supposedly the most intelligent things on this plant), stop all the segregating and start to listen and care honestly and openly for one another, it’s just going to keep cycling with more laws and agendas to keep us chasing our tails, pointing fingers, blaming the other side, making us mistrust one another even more, playing the same fucked up game of russian roulette, till all we are seeing are the labels, which are easier to tear gas, beat or shoot down in the middle of the street.

We all want change but we aren’t going to get real honest true change until we take a long hard look in the mirror, and acknowledge the anger we all carry in side ourselves, then try and find the forgiveness within,  (which is the hardest thing to do). I am a truly mad idealist, I mean mad in the Hatter since of its form, and a complete hopeless romantic in the means that I know I'll never see this place evolve into the Utopian scape that my soul longs for it to be and heart feels it once was, but I’ll continue to live my truth and try to inspire. So to spell it out to you without all the flourish, I refuse to participate in things I don’t believe in, I don’t believe in playing games with other people’s lives and I don’t believe in organized religion or politics. What I do believe in, deep down, even today with everything that has happened, is the potential of the human race. I do believe in that.  

Before you look at my picture and judge and say I need to check my privilege, please check your anger and open a dialog with me. Maybe you'll learn that I've been called a dyke bitch, that I've been physically assaulted for my skin color, I’ve been emotionally and sexually abused because of my sexual orientation and I’ve gone to bed hungry too.

I try not to "talk politics", when topics do come up I try not to talk about sides or party lines, I just talk about what I think it is to be a humanitarian. When I do talk, it’s not about just this chunk of land we refer to as our county either, I’m talking about this whole planet that we are suppose to be the stewards of, and taking care of so it can continue to take care of us. I think the systems in place, and others to come, are just stepping stones, that hopefully keep humans moving closer to the kind of place that I try life for today. A place where we won't need labels and laws to force us to tolerate one another. A place where lines don't exist on maps, where borders aren't necessary. A place where we won’t give more value to make believe money than we do to our fellow brothers and sisters. So ya there you go, I am a non registered Humanist who believes that we all are capable of one of the most amazing civilization the universe may ever know. I want to help start change by saying I’m here for ALL of you, even if we don’t see eye to eye. I’ll hold the space for your anger, fear, or even your joy, confusion, questions, any of it. No, It’s not ok, but it’s not forever, and I still believe we can. Please don’t shut down, please don’t give in. Know I love you.

Good night

You know its a good night when you start looking at the bottles of pills on your nightstand and count how many you have, and research on Google how many it would take.
Laying there, thinking about all the shit, and not quite seeing any end. Thinking back on things that just happened not long ago that left you feeling pretty empty, when you were hoping it would be lovely, fulfilling, the beginnings of something.... Ya but it was nothing. Not anyone's fault but your own, honestly, it's where hope can get you sometimes, nowhere.
You attempt fumbled and awkward moments of reaching out for some kind of contact, it leads to more awkwardness, frustration, anger, then all the sad falls out of your face like a piss rain out of nowhere. You're a little wet, cold, uncomfortable, then the shakes hit, and all you can do is curl into a ball, alone still.
You start deleting text, then people. You get rid of all those fucked up dating apps that have become more of a really messed up game of "Who are you" but with real live people. Blowing through faces like you've been blowing through tissues because well the face leaking crap from earlier. You wish you had enough booze and ciggerets to put you into and breathless coma.
You look back at the bottles again.
Looking around the space you've slowly let slip into a pit, thinking it would be a good idea to give it clean, write some things out, hide the sex toys and clear the web history. Writing out the passwords to the multimedia for family, or maybe just deleting it all together. That would pry be too dramatic. You may be a performer, but never a drama queen. Leave that to the "professinals".
Back in the mind even further a conversation while under the stars in a tub, with a bit of whiskey and someone who you think of as a soulmate. That talk about Nihilism, how you go through making the best of what seems to be a fairly fatalistic situation and you really have to wonder, why? Loved those talks, didn't feel so crazy in those moments...
Course the fatalism seems to shine like a atomic bomb when you're "soulmate" doesn't hear you when you fumble and stumble behind grited sarcasm. Feeling like you're fucking begging for just a breaths worth of time to share that feeling again, of not feeling crazy, getting to feel comfortable in another persons presents, not alone.
They all honestly don't have, don't want to deal with you're shit. Who would? Who really wants to be there for someone when they are crumbling and loosing their grip. Its selfish, almost irresponsible to think people want to help single solitary things. We are at the bottom of the 1st world problems after all.
That is right? First world problems, when there's, sick family, cancer, homeless, starving, slave trade, extortion, murder, rape, abuse all colors of the rainbow happening with in every second a letter is typed here.
Looking at those damn bottles again, and wonder if it couldn't make the smallest fraction of a difference by taking this one 1st world problem out of the equation, and make some room for things that do seem so much more important, so much happier for those with some kind of hope?
Too selfish, to cowardly, too stubborn, too scared of not or maybe knowing all to well what's after this bit of nothing.
You know its been a fucking great night when making lists in you head, pro's, con's, things that should be disposed of, things set aside, more list of written things. You know its been just super dupperest of all nights when you're doing this, again, and it doesn't really change a fucking thing. It just keeps the pills in the bottle for a while, keeps the brain locked on word form, grammar, or the lack there of. Trying to remain whitty and charming, so they laugh nervously and not think too deeply into context. After all they are just words, they mean nothing with out actions, so in the end worthes, except to the writer's demons. Have to feed them something. Yeah just the best god damned night ever.

Roots

I was told I have no root, to ground myself,  and there fore come across as an unstable person to a perspective mate, hence why I've gone round in this vicious 10year cycle of singledom.
They are right, but not in the way they were discribing. I have not had a root in myself. I've been a self loathing, self hating, overly compermizing person, who use to think deep down, like many people  that to be accomplished by this time I should be settled with a stable life, career, with partner and 5 year plan. (Not saying that is a bad thing it'd beautiful for most)
That is not who I am. I was never the little girl who had a planned wedding, career with hubby and 1.5 kids. I never really saw that for myself. I've tried, I've day dreamed about that life, picked fence and all. I've questioned my sanity over how I don't want it, and if I'm not just setting myself up for failier, to keep punishing myself for not being of the norm.
I am who am, an artists, healer, gypsy vsgabon, who dreams of no set plans and the freedom to walk life day to day in the now chaos and all. when life presents me with the opportunities, I'll be brave enough to walk through those opening, to cross those thresholds and see what lies beyond them.
I have not loved myself, I have never cared enough about me to truly throw all caustion aginst the wind and fallow my own being. I've always been afraid of being alone, because of that I've compromised my feelings and thoughts to be with others so I wasn't so alone. Why have I "never been good enough" for someone to want to be with? Its not because of my lack of 5 year plan, but it has been of my own lack of stability, trust in myself, my love for me and my dreams. That is the one thing I will take away from my conversation tonight.
I do not know what comes tomorrow? I've tried to predict and read the future into so many things that I lost the day and the beauty it had, over anxiety driven anticipation of things that where never there. I'm going to try and make a new promise to myself. I'm am this now and I will be what ever tomorrow brings. Nothing more, nothing less, and I will actually love the me I am in every moment, and know that I am enough, that I am whole, and will be blessed with every twist, turn and new lesson life gives me to understand. 

Full Circle

     I went on the last half of my journey, the begginning of a new path, and a time out for me when it comes to traveling across planes. I was shreaded and reborn the first time, I disscovered and realized the potential the second, now I am faced with the responsability of everything I have finally allowed myself to be. (fuck)

     The only way to continue to learn, is to teach. I am not ready!!! It's all I can think of. There are books and certificates for this kind of things isn't there??? I mean tests and things that you are suppose to pass before you move on to the next level? Right, I mean that's everything we are molded into when we start to grow and strech these fleshy body things. Our western socity never seems to have a place for the life lived, the experiance felt and cultivated through just walking everyday.

     I am in the midst of a foreign world. A world of privilege, a world where worrying about where your next meal will come from is not in question. Where you lay your head is not a fear to face. It is something I have dreamt about, but the few times I've been welcomed to sit in that world, I could never want it for myself. 

This mixed emotion over people "talking" of an enlightened existence, and somehow it feels like they are just buying it, from a book, a festival, a yoga class.... Not that those are bad things, they can be tge doors to what you can really find. There is no one answer there is no term or language to express. Our man made lable and boxes will never fit the infanate thats waiting. So now I am here, I moved past the fork in the road. The fork my fear and doubt created. Just as here is no spoon, there us no fork, your path is there, it is open and waiting for you if you just trust in your being.

     Coming back round full circle to my doubt's and fears revisiting them, and coming to understand now why they were there. Taking them back from the ether I placed them for safe keeping. I am not a child of light, I am not a child of dark, I am all that is silver and grey.