It's been a long time.

I haven't left in the middle of the night in a long time... It was strange a lot of old memories came back, some I'm not to proud of and some more resent. One resent enough I could taste the bit of blood on the inside of my cheek again from nawing at my own flesh in anger.

All of this shit over the fact that I can't sleep. Obviously I mean I'm up at 3:50am composing random thoughts, haunting my brain, like an exorsist getting rid of demons so maybe I can sleep. Usually its the sex. Usually its being worn out physically, and I can kind of rest, the demons have been feed their pound of flesh as it were and they allow me peace. When that isn't there though writing till my eyes dry out and I can't think of the words anymore seem to be my only salvation.

I was called a player by a man, a full grown Fucking man because I was honest with him and told him I normally don't let partners sleep over, if I even let them visit my home in the first place. He heckled me and said I was cold blooded player. I wanted to kick him in the face. Please ass hole if I was playing you I never would have told you and just kept Fucking you at your place and coming up with stories of why I couldn't stay and why you can't come over. I am no longer a player. I am honest, I'm not going to hide shit from you. I'm not going to play you for my personal selfish reasons, personal vendetta, or grudges. I get the feeling that people want more than I can give and when I'm honest about that, they get pissed. I'm sorry for being honest.

So ya the demons, I think they got over ran by the "ghosts" I can never get rid of.

Hello... My name is Amber, and I'm a runner

It started with a desperate conversation, the “desperate” being me and my overly dramatic emotions over something that now I realize is so fucking trivial it's kind of sad. I was angry and hurt by someone's keeping shit from me. I was fixated on the matter just couldn't let it drop, it was an obsession, I did incredibly out of character things “to try and find the truth of the matter”, I was starting to kind of scare myself. The conversation carried on for quite some time via text between myself and my inside man, the one who makes me really take a hard look at the situation, (namely my sorry ass) and ask the real questions. Oh what a question it would be...

InsideMan:Have you ever thought about why you keep ending up in these situations?

(He's referring to the fact that the last few lovers I've had and developed any kind of feeling for always wind up disappointing me and I become completely defeated in my search for..... well fucked if I really know what for, but something. I didn't even have to think about it, (I'd done enough of that for the past month,) I knew the answer...)

ME: because I'm scared to death of real intimacy, don't think I really deserve it, so what better way to avoid it than to go for what you know you can't have.

Yep that shit came flying form my fingers folks. Now I know I can be fairly “masculine” in my ways, I'm a tomboy, always have been always will be. I'm cocky, I'm too cool for school, I'll take on a challenge with the gusto a high school all star, and the libido, well that is a monster all unto it's self. But scared of intimacy? WTF?!?! That is literally the shit you hear girls sit around and bitch about all the time. I mean don't they have hours upon hours of programming on Lifetime about nothing but that fucking shit?

John Cusack popped into my head from High Fidelity. No, this shit really happened, I promise it'll make since in just a second, unless you haven't seen the film in which case what the hell is wrong with you? All those side notes to the camera flashed though my mind, then landed smack dab on one were he comes to realize it was never about her, it was him....

“I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.” Rob Gordon~ “High Fidelity”

Fuck me... The insight! The whole thing plays back through my head again...

Hi my name is Amber and I'm a runner.

God I'm such a shit. I look back and realize all the the things I did, holding a hand out to touch and feel but keeping the other hand ALL the way out to keep anyone from getting to close. So wrapped up in my own insecurity, so scared that I'll never be good enough that I search, literally search for reasons to reject someone before they can reject me. That whole statement, “you have to love yourself..” came to mind, and  okay so it's true, but it's just so fucking bullshit fluff... can't we just say, "you just have to learn to accept your self," makes it way more palatable, don't you think?

So I'm broken, yaya we're all broken. I figured that when sitting on a couch and being teased about something only to have my partner come back and very jokingly, say “umm commitment issues much?” and it made your heart jump. That millisecond of a joke made me cringe and kind of think. I've since talked with three old lovers that all said the same thing. How I was there but a million miles away. Trying to keep them close but never really giving it all back, not all of it, not the honesty, not the vulnerability. I've talked and talked about those things till the cows would come home, I offer it, (to all the people I know won't take it) and run at the moment I think I may actually mean it. What a fucking bullshiting coward...

Reflection

So yes I'm writing again, with a demon like possession. I've been taken in by this need to face who I use to be and try and make the changes I need to start walking forward instead of back wards. Maybe figure out a bit more about me and what it is I really want in the fucking world.

I've been down so many rabbit holes I feel like I cant see the light anymore and that is fucking me today. I've fallen back into the bullshit of always looking to tomorrow for my answers instead of at the day, I'm not in the  moments I'm breathing now. You or more specifically I, get so wound up on trying to guess the next step that I keep missing the moment in front of me. How many smiles or kisses have I missed because my brain was somewhere else, thinking of work or not in the moment that was staring me in the face.

It's all fear again, I was so fearless not that long ago? I feel like I was? I didn't give as much a shit of what people though of me. I didn't need that validation but recently I want something. I wish I knew what it was.
I keep thinking it's one thing but it's not, the feelings behind it are so false and contrived.  The negative feelings and the actions taken prove that it's not the right avenue to walk down.

So I write, I look at my self through the magnifying glass. I was terrible, I'm becoming terrible. I write and exercise the demons of my past. I revel in some of my conquests, I look to see where I've come from and how I managed to walk away fairly unscathed. I look at all the times I've been fooled and what I learned and how it's made stronger and honed my skills. I know better now, I can since things now, I need to learn to trust myself again and stop justifying other's actions. I can't stop believing the good in man, but I can't give my faith over fully and just trust I need to stop fearing my instincts, the only main thing I need to trust in is myself and the moment and the now.

Broken or tis it mearly a scrape?

This past week or two I've been going back and forth trying to figure out just what the hell is my damage? I got some trust issues, not with out good reason, don't get me wrong. I've been lied to and manipulated and had my kind/giving nature used and abused more times than I care to mention. I've forgiven and tried to move on. It's this consistent battle with my heart and my guts that always leaves me with these feelings of nervousness and anxiety. I just once really want someone to prove me wrong, I want someone that makes all the fear fall away, and in the end makes me feel so safe I never have to worry about my heart in their hands. These are the time where you wish things where more black and white with obvious rules of engagement that tell you how it really is so you can proceed with guarded heart or not. I've gotten so callous to the situation that I don't even know what it means not to be guarded any more not to be suspicious not to question everything. In the end always keeping one foot out the door ready to run before the wound can be inflicted. I guess after all these years Fear still has me in its grasp, holding me tightly. Funny that...

11:13 pm

It's happening again, my guts, right now at this very moment something is happening, something is amiss. Why is it so strong? These feelings of doubt ? Its like I'm destined to walk alone because I see and know too much before its even spoken.

Somthings gotta give

It's a simple little song, its been running through my head today, while thinking of all the things that seem to be hanging in the balance, teetering on some edge of a lovely free fall into the great blue, or totting back on to the heels of the tedious same ol same ol.
Needless to say change is here grumbeling in my tummy. I'm kind of every where at once, right now, feel like more than one person. The old me, scared and bitter at life, the me of today who's willing and wanting of change, and the me of tomorrow who is optimistic and hungry.

And the runner up is...

You ever see that retarded film with Dane Cook or what ever the fuck his name is (think its Dane Cook) were he's doomed to be the stepping stone guy to every girl he dates/sleeps with, on her way to finding her true love shit.... God damn if I don't feel like that guy. I'm like "the fixer". The one that everyone really cares for and loves, but not the one they fall for.

Sorry I rant I rave, its just that I've put myself there so many times (that's right in a way I blame myself). I'll be going along my merry way having fun, spinning wheels and doing what I do then something catches me off guard, and I say to myself, "self, there maybe something about this," and me being me and not liking the idea of living with, "what if's" over my head throw out the line and see what happens...

It's not a bad thing really, at least when I do it, I know, and knowing is better than walking through life not knowing. No regrets ever... But! I just got to say, I know what that Miss America runner up feels like when her name gets called. There is that moment of pride that I did it, I made it this far and my efforts where seen and heard. Still you will always see those tears of disappointment, knowing she wasn't quite what the judges where looking for.

I've been blest with the friends I have made because of these situations, I wouldn't want to trade any moment for them, but in a moment of complete self indulgents I just wanted to take this entry to say, and I quote from Huge Grand in 4 Weddings and a Funeral, "Bugger... Bugger... Bugger Bugger Bugger!"

Intrigue

People are such wonderfully strange creatures. Most the time I don't know what to make of them, they confuse and astound me.

Every now and again an individual will poke his head out from the sea of faces and make himself known. It makes my head kind of fall to the side a little, in a quizzical fashion, not unlike a dog that just heard something strange that caught it's attention. You take in the glimpse of the face and try to work your way towards it, and in that journey you always find more than what you bargened for.

There has been a haunted ghost that I found completely wonderous, there is a practical man that suprised me with a dark crunchie center, and then there is the left field acquaintance, whom wrapped me in a moment of wanting so strong, I find myself lost in my path of ideals.

With all these open doors (well I'll be honest and rephrase by saying half open doors) in front of me, I am completely taken aback by the human male and his curious ways of expressing his desires.

I've been consumed by these moments and left with nothing but curiosity. I get to question myself again and learn about myslef through their actions. It's liberating and yet so confined at the same time. So many questions left inside me to wonder about? My nature of " never say what if" being challenged at every turn in three different ways.

I want to meet the ghost face to face and know if what I think could be real can be brought to the flesh. I want to push and  cultivate the beautifuly dark plushness of the practical man, but more than anything I want to know why and how the passions of an ordinary acquaintance was brought full force to the surface and what it really all ment, instead of it being brushed under the carpet for the means of convince and proper social graces.

My buttons are pushed, curiousity peeked, and my lust to know for better or for worse pushed beyond its limits of wanting. I want, I lust, I need to know the answers to the riddles inlaid with in the intrigue that makes my heart pound against my ribs.

I've always wondered...

What it would be like to be a Bitch? I know I talk tough, and I dub my self "a Bitch", "Queen Bitch" even on some occasion, but it isn't really true.  It's more of a joke or a jest. Something  I did to try and reclaim an unjust or slanderious word used about my sex. Like others have taken back other words that are about race or what have you...

Today though, today my friends... Oh yes I will take that title and wear it proudly and perhaps even live up to it because, and I quote, "shit just done got real".

I'm not likely for shit talking, there is nothing that I have ever said or would say about a person that I would not say to their face, because well that's just the kind of person I am. I also don't normally make snap judgements about people. I may get a vibe (and its usually a very dead on one) but I'm pretty willing to fore go that feeling and actually get to know someone for myself, before writing them off or ignoring them, because.... and stick with me on this one.... my perceptions and feelings about someone may not be the same as another's, and I may be capable of cultivating a relationship where someone else hasn't because of that. (Funny little things perceptions)

Any hoo back to this Queen Bitch thang. When I get told that things are being said about my person, by people that don't really know me and obviously don't want to know me because they have decided to make their judgements off someone else's comments, or because my projected personality is one that they don't understand, and do not wish to make investments to understand, I only have one thing to say and yes it is bitchy, so brace yourself, FUCK THAT!

In the immortal words of Popeye, "I am who am", bad times, stress, hard times and all, this is just who am right now. I work my fucking ass off for the very little, and I do mean very little I have. I've fought, and clawed for it, I have put myself in harms way for it, I have taken punches, physically and emotionally, for it. All the these things have shaped and molded me and there plenty of people that have pushed passed any walls I may have, (which are few because I'm not one to really put up any fronts) and met me, gotten to know me, and think I'm a pretty chill and groovie chick.

So again I'm going to slip on the Bitch crown for just a second and say, if you are going to judge on someone else's words, instead of taking the time to find out the truth for yourself, and!!!!! or, then proceed to pretty much snub, ignore and or talk shit, because of it. That's just fine darling, because I don't really need someone like that in my life right now any way.

Fuck ya very much see ya around, if you ever want to actually get to know me for me, have a nice life till then.

My Babies love me...

So one of my greatest fears came to pass today. It's nothing too huge, just one of those things that you worry about if you happen to have cats, especially if they are 50/50 indoor out door aannd they have free access to the house. Yesterday was a long day of car shopping that lead to plans of waking up early on Sunday and drive to Sacramento. (Boo!!) So I proceeded to get to bed around 1:30 am, like I do, When my head finally hit my pillow all I wanted to do was sleep, but a strange smell hit my nose that was odd but strangely familiar. It was sour in a way that almost resemble spoiled food... almost. My room has been filled with many a offence smell since I've had the kittens. There is no need to go into detail on the matter, but just as we have gone through their growing pains of potty training and adolescence and all that lintels, this still wasn't quite like any of those moments. I couldn't pin point the source to save my life as ever once in a while it would drift through my nostrils. My allergies flared up for some crazy reason, (pry all the cleaning the been going on) my eyes where driving my nuts and sneezing eventually wore me out to the point of exhaustion and I proceeded to pass out. Tonight was filled with more cleaning and when I went to change my bedding it happened... I moved my pillows to start sttipping down my bed when low and behold, there was the source of that oh so strange yet familiar smell........ You have to be fucking kidding me?!?!? I think I puked in my mouth just a little bit when I saw it. It even explained the sudden allergy break out of sneezing and itchy swollen eyes. WTF!?!?! A mouse. That't right a very dead and decomposing mouse was left for me under my pillow. OMFG! EWWwwwwwEww Ewww EWWWWWWWWW! After dispatching of the "gift" all I could was laugh. It has to be the most disgusting but also the sweetest thing a pet has ever done. It's one of those moments where I feel like I really got something right. My babies, when out in the wild, feel they need to pay homage to Mama and bring her some of the kill of the day. *sigh* just sucks that I know am going to be completely paranoid (for good reason) and will have to check my bed every night before I go to sleep from here on end.

Tides

I'm feeling a shift like when the tide starts to flow back towards the land and the moon is on high, full and heavy in the sky. She's pregnant with the dreams and possibilities of tomorrow, yet wraps me in her soft glow and covers my face with chilled kisses that keeps me planted here in the now.
There are no promises for she is ever changing but constant in her phases. Reminding me to be as flexable as the water she calls to her, and strong as the waves that swallow the land whole. It'll all happen when it's ment to daughter, take what lays before you and face the future knowing you have all that you need in your hands already.

I have the best guts...

...and I fucking hate it. They always seem to know what's going on even when I don't want to see it. It's like that scene in Clock Work when our little Droogie Alex is strapped up all good like with his peepers peeled back to watch all the flickers. My guts always make me have to take another look at what is going on and try and see the things that I may have missed and pry really don't want to know. They are the quick band-aid rip that stings like a son of bitch, annoys the hell out of you, maybe even piss you off a bit, but at least it's over fast and you forget about it quicker. Ya that's what its like. I hate knowing with out knowing, I hate having this built in bullshit detector... Hell not even bullshit it can be just a little bent truth and my stomach twitches with a sense of, something ain't right here mate. I use to think that I was just being and over reactive, sensitive woman as it were, but Every Fucking time my tummy does this little flip, when I hear a line or read a text, email what ever and it just doesn't seem to add up, there it goes again, *twitch twitch*

"Processing"

I keep hearing this word when in reference to relationships, processing. An I suppose that's what I've been trying to do so far this year, process what it is that I want in life. I've been rather spoiled as of recently, with many new friends that have become wonderful lovers. It's like letting a kid have the keys to a candy store and saying "knock yourself out kid." I must admit as of late, like a kid who's let wild in a candy shop, I have a bit of belly ache and finding that I miss having something with a bit more substance in my life. It's just a matter of now trying to define what that substance is? I will admit I crave to have someone to call my own and vice versa, but at the same time, I have made so many good friends that I've shared such wonderful moments with, I don't want to loose that either. I've been on the hunt to see if I can't maybe stumble my way into an open relationship/ polyamerous or what ever the hell you want to call it. As a women I suppose it's not that hard to find lovers, I've done rather well on that end, but to find a man (note man is the word used here) that is willing not only to be shared (which usually is no problem either) but be willing to share as well, with complete trust love and openness has become a bit more of an enigma to say the least. Still I will fully admit that once I found someone that I did love that much, someone that I could be that open and honest with, the desire or want to be with others wouldn't be that great, but still it's just having the option. I think that may be the failure of my previous relationships, not just the lack of communication and over all lack of honesty (with some), but the fact that I was tied in. I have to admit I feel trapped claustrophobic not just physically either but mentally, emotionally. I think one of things that I have seen with couples that have a open understanding is that they are so close, honest and the fighting isn't over silly things for lack of talking, it's over things that really matter, and even then it's not so much fighting as much as just having a rough patch and working through it. I've always been a preacher of finding an equal, not someone that completes me, but someone that challenges me, a friend, partner in crime, someone to grow and evolve with and never settle down. So there is my processing, now to see what this process may produce. ;)