Reflection

So yes I'm writing again, with a demon like possession. I've been taken in by this need to face who I use to be and try and make the changes I need to start walking forward instead of back wards. Maybe figure out a bit more about me and what it is I really want in the fucking world.

I've been down so many rabbit holes I feel like I cant see the light anymore and that is fucking me today. I've fallen back into the bullshit of always looking to tomorrow for my answers instead of at the day, I'm not in the  moments I'm breathing now. You or more specifically I, get so wound up on trying to guess the next step that I keep missing the moment in front of me. How many smiles or kisses have I missed because my brain was somewhere else, thinking of work or not in the moment that was staring me in the face.

It's all fear again, I was so fearless not that long ago? I feel like I was? I didn't give as much a shit of what people though of me. I didn't need that validation but recently I want something. I wish I knew what it was.
I keep thinking it's one thing but it's not, the feelings behind it are so false and contrived.  The negative feelings and the actions taken prove that it's not the right avenue to walk down.

So I write, I look at my self through the magnifying glass. I was terrible, I'm becoming terrible. I write and exercise the demons of my past. I revel in some of my conquests, I look to see where I've come from and how I managed to walk away fairly unscathed. I look at all the times I've been fooled and what I learned and how it's made stronger and honed my skills. I know better now, I can since things now, I need to learn to trust myself again and stop justifying other's actions. I can't stop believing the good in man, but I can't give my faith over fully and just trust I need to stop fearing my instincts, the only main thing I need to trust in is myself and the moment and the now.