I read a blog post on Facebook that an acquaintance shared, a blog entry that I’ve actually seen before about how it's hard to be single. I didn't care for it, and I found myself being very unsettled by it, almost angered by it to be honest. (¾ of that frustration stemming from the fact that the people posting it have never really been single for more than 2 years or so, or not single at the moment….) So ya after cooling my heals a bit and going back and rereading the actual blog entry again, I wanted to try and figure out why the blog itself left a bad taste in my mouth.
There are many things in this world that break my heart on a daily basis, most of them come down to the same bottom of line of how we look at and treat one another. I am nothing close to perfect, (none of us are, or should ever really strive to be to be honest) but I do try and show people who I am, and how I wish to be treated in each moment, with the life I live day to day. So to the point of my ramblings today is, the grass will always be greener on the other side, especially if we keep having these unhealthy and unrealistic expectations from and of one another.
First thing is first, I don’t think monogamy really works or is completely healthy, I think it’s a societal tool, used to cement bull shit “standars of living” and non realistic sexual identities (more so back in the 50’s give or take) so the population could be manipulated and controlled. Now moving past my crazy conspiracy theories, I’ll get to the heart and soul to the matter.
People, especially Americans, seem to be obsessed with the concept of “winning” which can be translated in a lot of ways, but for this particular topic we will call it the “completion complex”. Do you remember that movie with Tom Cruise and the lil kid with the glasses, that everyone thought was just too cute? It was thought to be a romantic comedy, a feel good flick. After watching it I wanted to ask the people that said those things, why do they think so little about their fellow beings? It’s an awful film about co-dependency and emotional manipulation! “You complete me” which made every one go “ahhhhhh that’s so sweet” made me go “WTF!?!?! Fuck off with your fucking shit you fuckshit” yes I was that angry.
Let us examine this oh so simple yet fucked up term of endearment shall we??
“You complete me.”
#1 the obvious one, stating the fact that you need to be with a partner in order to have completion within your existence. WRONG! This is a big one with a lot of different talks around it, and I’m going to skip right past all the, “you have to love you first, be a whole person before you get involved”, because yes, though there is validity in those ideas and are even discussed in the blog post that started me on this rampage, but it’s not the main reason why this one particular saying pisses me off.
People are never complete! If at any point and time you look around you, on this HUGE fuck off planet, not to mention universe, and say to yourself, yep I’ve done it all, I am a whole person and have nothing more to learn or understand, do us all a favor and just crawl back into the neanderthal hole you came out of.
(I'll admit I've used the term “I am a whole person” to describe myself, but more in the terms that I don't need another person to complete me.)
#2 It keeps enforcing this rather cruel and fucked up notion that it’s a bad thing to be a single individual in the world, and it also puts a value scale on affection. Which in itself is a goddamned gift from anyone willing to share it, so why on earth would you devalue and kind of affection over another?
The article basically inspired me to do a lot of deconstruct thinking on the ideas of relationships, how they created this thing I’m working on called the "myths of monogamy and romantic love". Society is obsessed with the idea of normalcy, and nothing is a more valid representation of that normal life than completing yourself with a romantic partner and creating a "strong enough" relationship to maintain a monogamous union. I mean think about it, why don't people believe they can't get the same kind of feelings of love, intimacy, safety and trust from connections from anyone other than their partner? Why can't the hugs, kisses, touch, close moments with all people in your life be just as meaningful as the one's you share with "your partner".
I was curious if some of it has to do with the stigma of being single and all the negative social bullshit that's built round it. Example you say? Well I am technically single, because I don't have “my partner”. I in fact have many partners, of which I share many different types of intimacy with. Some sexual, some emotional, some spiritual, some a combo of those elements and more, but because of the limited social status identification, I am someone that most people will think of in a piddy, negative, sorry, sad, hell even suspicious manner because I'm not "in a relationship".
Thinking like I do , about the concept of "romantic love", the fact that the biological reaction to the release of chemicals that give us that euphoric high, making us feel connected, ie: the physical act of sex (hence it being such a strong argument for intimacy and the main source of the need for sex beyond procreation) validates your connection with your partner.... but after sharing my time with certain people in my life, I’m beginning to appreciate that same high, created with only mental stimulation. It's the fact that some communication is at such a heightened level, that it creates similar if not maybe the same biological endorphins of the act of sex! It makes me truly wonder, if not hope that our evolutionary path, of the mind, isn't in full swing, to bring mankind more out of our flesh and more into the amazing euphoric gifts of the mind, to which we've only read about in scifi so far.
So in the idea of this higher mind love, is there is the possibility of breaking the "monogamy myth" and even the idealized concept of "romantic love" and stop giving them so much power over or the definition of what can be amazing intimacy, trust, affection, and hell just feelings of love itself? Breaking the old fashioned thought process could hopefully lend to the beginnings of allowing oneself to really feel the rush of the mental and or other affectionate moments outside of the traditional relationship, and let them have the same validity as said previous arrangement.
After doing a little research on the “origins of monogamy” which are still in debate, and with valid reason. Most studies still came from the evolution path that monogamy evolved out of economical benefits. There are even some theories that came from the base the rampant STDs helped mold the more common practice of monogamy. Ever since then, through mostly anglo saxon religion selling moral high grounds (not to mention the control of women) that monogamy is the only true form of not only physical but spiritual love. Just ignore the fact that some of the most principled characters in the holy book were polygamists. All bless hypocrisy.
Now I will take this moment to address the fact that I do not wish to belittle or disrespect the generations that have come before me that have committed themselves to the institution in place. After reading my words, you may think that they are from a life who was put through the trials of divorced parents, but I'll have to break your suspicions right there and tell you that my parents are still married and where hitched up in their teens and 20’s even. If anything my ideas come from my huge respect from witnessing the trials of what is considered a successful union and continually building on the concepts of ideal love. Which yes in itself is a flawed statement.
I do honestly believe we are an ever evolving entity bound to change not only physically but mentally and maybe spiritual, perhaps soulfully is a better word, as well. I write this to challenge your current concepts of self, self love, self trust and self acceptance. I think in those moments we can truly begin to challenge all the these imposed and limited concepts and really find true or if you prefer real love and not just the fanciful based romantic kind.
So with that being said. I want to examine, the aspects of the monogomas indaviduals conformity to open arrangments. Usually it starts with the exposure of being with some whom is already non-monogomas. One of the main requestes I see made during this time of transition is that the partners become, exclusive to one another till the monogomas partner feels they are comfortable with opening up the relationship. Is that fair to ask someone? Give up your lifestyle and wait for me to explore, only maybe possibly incorporate? I guess it depends on your devotion and feelings toward the person asking you to make this huge change/ sacrifice.
Maybe instead of trying to stay together, it's better to be friends (and not friends with bennies mind you since that isn’t what the monogamous party would really want, right?)but just friends until they figure out what they're doing. It would be healthier to be viable resource of knowledge and experience and hold space as a friend, than play the relationship limbo game. Most polly/open friends who have been caught in this sort of situstion, have discribed it as feeling like a kind of emotional trick to get them to give up part of who they are just so they'll be with with the monogomas partner, under the disguise of a communicative negotiations.
Their baggage will continue to be an issue for them, even if they commit to being in an open relationship. If they're still using poor experiences from a previous relationship to dictate how they handles future ones, it would seem wise to sort those things out first. Monogomas or openrelaionship.
Emotional baggage is a very tough things to deal with, especially when that baggage dictates how you expect people to respond to your needs and emotions. Often times it creates a bitch of a catch-22 where one person feels trapped by their baggage and there for thrusts that on their partner.
Many people I know have relationship conflucts that revolves primarily around sex, how do we begin to understand and manage those difference and demands under the restraints of commitment, which is where monogomy seems to have its biggest failings. No matter what compromises are created, they are still just that, compromises, which means someone, sacrifices a part of themselves to sustain the solitary relation.
They should come up with a sex drive exchange machine. You got too much it makes you in happy, you got to little and it makes things rough, well cum on down to the sexdrive exchange program where you can drop off or pick up all you need for a simple monthly fee of 89.95 a month. Lol
The sexual potency of women and how that is a true fear, the origins of female repression throughout the years. Take it back. (More research on how women and sexual power)
I'm feeling more and more like the Mad Hatter, which is a bit scary because I know most will not fully understand my intentions, but it's still liberating because I'm starting to live it and feel the benefit of the madness. I am as I have stated a few times, a true idealistic, and hopeless romantic. I'm not here to say anyone who practices monogamy is wrong, it's your life and path for only you to live. I am just asking you to maybe open the circle and start to accept all the love that is given to you every day by all the people in your life and not put value on it, because it’s not provided to you by someone that society and or a organized religion and government deems normal and complete.