DD

I wandered down the hall towards the front doors of the lobby when a smile curled the corners of my lips so fast; the sight of wet pavement out front caused me to sprint towards the doors, gitty with thoughts of rain. Goosebumps prickled my skin in the anticipation of feeling the touch of ice cold drops rolling softly along my face, neck...

When I pushed through the doors my smile fades and a heavy sigh escaped my lips. The window cleaners had started in on the second story; my moment of indulgence was dashed, or was it? As I just stood for a second watching the water drip from the over hang of the building frustrated from it’s false promise. My lids shut for a brief moment and a shock ran up my spine, as a million little kisses brushed my cheek.

There was a mist that sat heavy in the sky, like a lover lounged across you after a good go of sex. A thousand little fingers worked swiftly and found every inch of exposed flesh on my body, shivers and chills slid down and across my skin. All the little hairs on the back of neck stood up like all the times I’ve heard that voice whisper into my ear. My mind wondered to all kinds of dark places bringing a hot flash to my cheeks. I could feel my dimples take up the whole sides of my face making me blush even harder. I let my finger tips join the million others caressing the little indentations of the small of my back. Thinking of all the times some one else’s hands have danced there way across that same bit of flesh. I rapped myself a bit deeper into my sweater, a smell that only exists in my mind filled my senses as I hide behind my hair holding my little secrets close and the feelings I have even closer. My feet kept perfect time with the strong pounding in my chest, so strong, so heavy, so moving, and so very beautiful.

Smoker...

The story of my smoking, it’s come up, people asking me why I do it and so I seriously thought about it. I mean honestly why in the hell would any one want to smoke? It makes you stink one, it fucks up your teeth, could potentially kill you….

Wait; wait what back that up, it can what? Now hey just a minute there, kill ya hu? Like slowly so you’re not bleeding on the cutting room floor, but your still knocking off years right? Hum very interesting.

See I wasn’t the smoker pretending not to know what it’s doing to her. I've been counted on it. I smoked when I was “stressed.” That’s what I called it. Stressing or “being tired”. Those where the little sayings I use to use to say I’m depressed as fuck, but I really don’t want you to know about it, so fuck off. It’s pry when I started to learn how to lie the best during those years. You'd know I wasn’t happy, but you never know how bad.

I started smoking when I was about 15ish? A lot of my friends did it because it was cool because you could do it at parties while you where drinking. Only thing is I didn’t go to parties and I didn’t drink back then. I was just “stressed”.

My association with Death isn’t a healthy one. Unfortunately he and I meet way back in the day, pry a bit before my mind could really wrap round what he was all about, but when you meet the guy you can't really take it back you can't forget him he's just always there, hanging round. It's kind of freaky like the werid ass guy on the street corner that's always learning at you, just scary.

So when you fear something I have found the best way to counter that. is to learn how to control it. What better way to control it than to slowly cause it. I told you it was a bit morbid. There is this little thought in the back of my mind every time I take a drag, “there goes a few more minutes where I will never have to feel this way again.” Or "there are a few more years of the depends time line of my life." Seriously that’s what I think with just anbout every lighter flick.

I wasn’t a very happy kid well, Well okay I was happy but when you run into a fucker like death and know he's just looming round the corner it can kind of fuck your perception of long life. Lets just say I played in shadow more than I played in sunshine. So ya that’s kind of where it comes from, a slower kind of suicide but killin' myself none the less, but considering you never know if you'll wake up to see the next sunrise, and ledgads are those that die young and leve beautiful corpses... Eh I think I'm not in that bad of company?

Soap Box

I hit that age a bit ago where marriage and birth has become a common occurrence with my group of peers. Just recently I’ve noticed that I have hit another age where divorce is becoming kind of common too course with the chances of you making it on your first go being a whole 59%, I shouldn’t be that surprised. I’ve been questioning what love is and what it really means a lot because of some recent news I got a few days ago.

I have this small clan of friends that I meet a few years back. We all kind of fused together in the flurry of craziness which was wonderful. It gave me a brother I love dearly, one of my girls is pretty sure she found the love of her life and there is no end to the fun and high jinx, or so we thought.

One of the kids of this clan is married with 2 beautiful and sweet little boys. He got married young, the marriage hasn’t been ideal and up and down but then again what relationship is anything but just that to relative extremes. Still the two had been together since high school and built a life together, like you do. Well there was a new figure that was brought into the equation that was about 5’6 with crazy hair and body not to mention just a little on the unstable side emotionally, so of course all the boys come a running. Still with all the different flights of fancy that where thrown to her feet, Crazy threw her heart into one basket, the married for over 12 years with two boys basket. I won’t go into all the details but needless to say the situation was more than complicated. What I will say is that requests where made, those requests where denied, and then vows where re-affirmed so an understanding could be reached and a new kind of trust could be forged. So all was right in the world… ya right.

So all of that was thrown out the window, the fact that it carelessly tossed aside by someone I cared about and thought/think of as a dear friend makes it even that much more of a shock. So the marriage is ruined 2 beautiful boys carry looks of confusion on their faces, a vow was broken, hearts betrayed and friendships are slowly loosing their grip and slipping. WHY!?!??! I mean seriously, what the FUCK? Are humans so fucking ass backwards that we can’t act any better than this because this kind of thing happens A LOT. We see something we like we have to go fuck it and screw around with no regard for any one around us, to the promises we made, to love, or to the innocent ones that can’t even begin to understand what the hell is going on. How hard is it to be honest though it may hurt a whole hell of a lot at the moment it comes out, it sure as hell helps to prevent completely fucking up everything around you.

Now I believe in divorce trust me there are plenty of marriages that should not be any longer do to extreme situations. On the other hand there is so much of it going round, it kind of makes you wonder how serious people are about this whole “till death do us part” thing. I know when and if I ever do decide to pledge my heart and soul to another being to share a life with and be there thick thin sickness health rich poor good times bad come what may, I’m damn sure going to mean it. That is what TRUE love is. I love many people in my life but that doesn’t mean I would give my everything to them to truly be “married” to someone means you would do that; you would give your everything.

When my ex and I were breaking up there was a laps of time where I doubted my decision in leaving him. During the talk of maybe getting back together and his refusal of said purposely I made the comment of love not being enough to keep two people together. It was a low blow, it was some what cruel to the both of us but at the same time, looking back on it, it needed to be said because no matter how many times we both said “I love you” it was never the everything love. Actions spoke louder than words on that one. Neither one of us ever gave completely to the other. It’s one of those things, you have to be willing to love someone so much your willing to be unhappy from time to time and uncomfortable once in a while in order to get through to the other side. I want to believe that there is a level of love out there that is so big and so strong that it can give you a small bit of hope in the bleakest of situations. You can tell me I’ve seen to many movies and that I’m a hopeless dreamer, but quite frankly my dears I don’t give a fuck. I think it’s out there some where. I may not find it and that would suck but none the less I do believe it’s out there. When I go home and I see my parents and everything they have been through, money problems, arguing till the wee hours of the morning, sleeping on couches and driving away mad, no matter how bad it got they’re still together today and LOVE each other completely and would do anything for the other in a heartbeat, thick thin sickness health rich poor good times bad come what may, they have been there done that and still go strong with every day. In closure, I will tell you all what I said to someone not that long ago. “I’m completely content to wait for anything I think is worth it.” That kind of love, the pure love, is totally worth it.

R3dRum!!!!!

So I had a loverly start to my morning @ a dark and gloomy 2:21am. The door bell kept ringing? I ignored it at first thinking that it was just a figment of my imagination or some kind of strange carry over from dreaming. After hearing it again with my eyes open this time, staring at the ceiling, I lay in bed and took a deep breath hoping someone else would deal with the matter. Alas when I realized that no one else was venturing out of their caves to investigate the matter, I was up and gingerly making my way to the door. Cursing the fact that there is no peep whole I would have to actually come face to face with the rude heathen that found it necessary to wake me at such a heinous hour.

I opened the door and there is no one there, just the loud distinct rumble of a diesel truck coming from the street. Conclution... My neighbor has a Mac Tools truck so i figured he had noticed something that he thought would be very important for us to know at 2:21in the f*ing morning, and came to inform us…

I closed the door and curled back up in the still warm little spot in the center of my pillow pile. Just as the sweetness of sleep began to creep back into my head the door bell jars me back awake. Okay, now I’m getting just a wee bit peeved.

I briskly made my way down the hall expecting my neighbor to be standing there with what had better be a very important announcement. I swung the door wide only to drag it back to concel myself behind it from the complete stranger standing there on my door step. Apparently the diesel I heard earlier was the sound of a tow truck and not my neighbors’ Mac Tools truck, and there was a little green car on top that the tow truck. The man on my door step requested to speak with the owner of said captured little green car.

“ARE YOU F*ING KIDDING…. YOU INCONCIDERATE, OBNOCTOIUS OBTUCE….” Where all the words running through my mind at the moment but all I could mange to speak was, “Why?”, the only answer that was given in return for my query? The information I was seeking was for the owner of the now imprisoned little green car and only that individual. No longer caring and hearing the call of my pillow pile back in bed I went to retrieve said owner. There was the sound of chains and engines and glass? Not completely certain and shortly after my head hit my pillow, not even close to caring, I drifted back to sleep.

I woke up groggy and terribly cranky yet managed to pull myself up and out of bed to wonder my way down the hall to take a shower. There was hefty draft coming from down the hall, which was odd. I wondered passed the bathrooms to investigate and was greeted by the whole bloody neighborhood block that was cozily framed by the door frame. Mind you I say door frame because the front door itself was standing wide open beneath the warm glow of the porch light that was left on, as if to say welcome all you rapists robbers and rouges, come on in and help yourself. It’s only 9:42 at the moment and I feel I’ve been up for two days. If it weren’t for the slight soreness to my leg muscles this morning I would be far grumpier than I find myself at the moment. So how was your morning?

8/13/07

There's an unidentified feeling floating about in my chest. I wanted to say guts but it's not quite there, and I thought about head but that's a bit too high so the chest is a nice compromise. Still it's there, and I don't know what it is? It's a bit anxious, it's flustered, maybe a bit frightened, I really don't know? I'm guessing there's change coming. It's pry a change in the season coming on. Hopefully that's all it is.

I'm distracted and so far away from where I am, I think, or maybe it's the other way round?

Home doesn't feel like home. Maybe other people are right maybe you can't kept something from your past so near by like this.

There's this restlessness. Maybe it was from lying under the stars last night and feeling so fucking small and insignificant that I question why any of this shit is important.

Ideally if I could have it my way I would prefer to spend most my day in bed with my lover (whom ever that be at the time) indulging my senses to their most extreme bounders. Being a completely glutton at that moment. Walking in the late afternoon and evenings and not have a million and one things on my mind but that moment, watching the world slip by. To be capable of just stopping, to enjoy each second of the things that are around me, with out worry, with out care.

You really can't control much of anything except maybe yourself and even then that's a crap shoot so why not be allowed to enjoy what you can with whom you wish for as long as you wish it? That's pry to many wishes to ask for.

Last Time

Just recalled another thing that happened over the weekend I hadn't thought of and want to share. A friend of mine from high school passed away the beginning of the year. It was an odd feeling, to know someone well but not extremely well, someone you spent almost every day around, for a good chunk of time, someone you would hug every time you said hello and goodbye. They are your age you went to school together and graduated together, drank together laughed, shared thoughts, debate with them, had inside jokes and then you learn that they killed them selves not to shortly before you where both to share you 28th birthdays. It's un-nerving and makes your head spin a bit. I missed the funeral, though it would have been awkward to go in the first place.
I found myself back home with some of my closest friends now, as close as the one who passed and they came with me to try and find his grave. It was a task since he doesn't have a tomb stone yet, (and he was just a sneeky bastard that way) but we managed. We sat round his grave, the ground was still raised a little, because the coffin hasn't settled quite yet, you could almost nuzzle yourself next to the grass lake if he where there. I wasn't sad there was a calmness about the whole thing really, we talked my friends and I. I told them about Erick and all the trouble we would get up to, what he was like and how he was one of my more favorite people to be round in those days. How they would have liked him and all that sort of thing. My memories of those days came flooding back like a monsoon and I smiled and laughed the whole time we sat there hearing his laugh in my ears as if he was reminding me of all our stories and how there was "that one time." He really was a beautiful person no matter how moody or disconnected and quite he seemed. So I guess this is just my little memorial in his passing and final take care of yourself out there till I see you again.

Erick Villegas April 23, 1979 - Jan 10, 2007

Bring on the Cats!

It’s been a very interesting weekend to be sure. I had a really lovely time with the girls in Sac over the weekend. Everyone seemed to be in really good spirits and had a nice time. That made me happy, which was a breath of fresh air after the disappointment I felt from the night before.

It strange but ever since my newly acquired “single” status, I’ve found myself to be very disappointed in my past mates. I know people change and all that but in some way I can’t help but think that there isn’t really all that much change going on and that maybe I was just that blind to all the flaws because of “love”. Now though? Dear lord I see all too clearly and it’s beginning to hurt my eyes. I look at them now with out rose tinted glasses and fuzzy “blurred” effects and think numerous things to myself, in no particular order…

1. How in the hell did I miss that?
2. How in the hell did I put up with it?
3. Why did I ever put up with it?
4. Dear gods please, please, never let me be that dumb again.

Now I’m not saying that the lovers of my past are “bad people” they aren’t they have good hearts with relatively good (initial) intentions. For some reason because of minute attention spans, selfishness, thoughtlessness or down right obliviousness, they wind up conducting them selves in such a fool-hearted manner that I can‘t help be feel a bit disappointed and upset over the actions that I witness. I can’t even begin to count on my fingers an toes now how many times I wish I could have approached these people and point blank asked them without any holding back, “What in the hell do you think you are doing?” An in return I would receive an honest answer and not some lame excuse like, “I don’t know” or “What are you talking about?” As they walk away. Just for future reference I hate these phrases. I used those phrases as a child when I didn’t want to cop to the truth. I know them oh to well and to hear them come out of a fully grown man’s mouth as justification for poor actions is sad.

With all that being said and a lot of the things I‘ve come across in the resent past, I can safely say I’m not to afraid of becoming a “Crazy Cat Lady” I’m fucking looking forward to it, specially if this par for the course when it comes to matter of trying to find that perfect someone. I throw in the town on that shite, if there really is a Mr. Perfect out there that was made just for me he can come find my ass.

Choking on the "L" word

Dear fucking lord on a giant pogo stick in the sky, why I ask you, why!?!?! Why is it only crazy people are the ones who wish to be hopelessly devoted to me? I’ve been honest, I’ve been mean I’ve been cold, distant, curtly kind and every other way I can think of, but for some strange reason some people are just to bloody thick headed, they can’t get it through to their little brains that I’m not interested. So stop, I repeat very firmly STOP EVERYTHING! What else do I have to do, kick you in the nuts? I really don't want to but getting teribly close to not caring as well.
I’m not looking for anything remotely resembling romance or *choke* love at this moment and time in my life and these kinds of affectionate attacks have a very nasty way of making my claws come out and then there is the removing eyes...
I’m very much about the self at this moment and rather enjoying it thank you very much. My standards are a bit high for what I could actually obtain, mayhap? I mean where is my very own Butch Walker or (older) Shawn Harris, punk rock artistic genius? You see why there is a lack of effort in looking for anything any more. If I can’t get what I'd like to have I'm a bit better off with just me and the ink stains around my fingers. Just my random insight for the day.