It always seems to happen...

You can only blame yourself. You let your guard down and you start getting comfy with the situation then BAM! Life does what life will Which is get's all crazy, pulls the rug out from under you and your left on the floor, with a bruise on your ass the size of Texas and headache that makes you feel like your brain is going to start oozing out of your ears.

I should have told that guy off. He has no idea what I've been through, what I've been fighting for and to tell me that I'm not motivated enough, are you shitting me? There is no one single path there is no one and only solution to anything in this world and to assume anything about anyone because their ways have not coincided with your own is just blind. I've been a hairs breath away from loosing every thing I know and love for a while now. Fuck you, fuck you and Fuck you I haven't been doing my all...

I don't want a hand out I don't want to do things that others have planed out for me. That was the other lovely slap to the face this morning. When the hell did my plans get lost in the wake of someone else's, AGAIN! Oh right it's when I started working for family. Danger Will Robinson DANGER...

Then that obvious "I"m being nice, but I could really give a shit about you and what your doing" chat today. Why the fuck do I bother? I think it's almost better if a guy is just straight up rude and dismissive, at least that way I can hate their guts.

Am I too nice, am I too much of a push over? I mean seriously what the hell am I, who am I for that matter. Feel like I'm getting swept away in the nameless heard of everything. I fucking hate it, guess that's why I'm writing, why I'm still fighting as hard as I can, trying not to give up and just fall in line with what every one else would say is the safer bet. Kind of, sort of, not really. OH just fuck it all. When is this day over already?

Well that is that is... that

So that show thing I did for a while, it's over now and I know I will go a bit insane with out having the extra stuff to do, but not miss the insanity that it brought on it's self. The production that is, not me.

All in all not a bad come back for the Woodland kid that hasn't been on stage in I can't even remember how many years. An at least we went out with a bang, didn't we Boo. ;)

On to more auditions and other shows at different theaters and different faces. Though there are a few I'm going to miss seeing from this one, I'm sure as hell fire glad I got to met them. And a few I'm even keeping. MINE! :)

My folks came out to see it today, it was one of those moments where you can see they forgot how amazing it could all be, how talented I use to be. It all kind of rushed back, to see the tears in their eyes, the pride, the joy I brought them. Fuck me I missed that more than anything else. If there is any reason to have gotten back on this bucking filly that was it right there. That moment of seeing my folks so over come. Think they may have missed it more than I did?

That chapter in this story has closed out nicely with a few new charters to add to the list and with perhaps the turn of an old favorite plot line. I do love me a happy ending. :)

Need to be in more romantic comedies...

I'm serious, I need to be in more of them so I can have all kinds of wonderful "affairs" with out having to deal with any of the commitment. This latest show has been so wonderfully cathartic for me. My precious little co-star has been filling my cuddle and flirting needs to the point where I'm not that hungry for affection, as I tend to be when single that is. If I could run something like this on a continues basis I could be pretty damn content. Now I know why actors never marry, or really shouldn't for that matter. They don't need to when you are playing to fall in love every day with someone new for about 3 or four months at a whack. All the honeymoon none of the heartache. Aww Lamore.

Lala vs Never Never

So I am very much a child at heart, with no aspirations to want to grow old and loose that since of curiosity and mischief that keeps these eyes a'sparkling. I love the idea of Never Never Land and would kick some serious butt as TinkerBell, and not that pansified Disney version mind you, but the drink a bottle of poison for your ass and keep right on going Tink... So with that being said I think you can understand that I have a healthy respect, and appreciation for fantasy.

What I don't have any kind of respect or patience for, is those who seem to live in "Lala" Land. Not LA mind you, but Lala. I can't even begin to understand these people because there seems to be no since of reality in which to base a comparison, not to mention I think almost every single one of them is deaf. Actually no that's a insult to def people. In fact there isn't any kind of handicap grouping that I could place them in that would not be some kind of personal insult to that group, so instead I will just simply state that I think a normal person's brain processes are just too much for Lala's single celled brains to handle, hence their consistently having to ask the same damned question over and over again till it sticks, or why they repeat the same idiotic drivel to you to the point where your ears want to bleed. Redundant doesn't even begin to classify the type of conversations held with a Lala, painful, would be a start. Needless to say, fuck Lala's and the land they come from.

Mass or Nothing?

So it's a funny thing when you finally learn the big lesson of "no regrets", by watching it in action.

So there is a girl, a very lovely yet broken girl. I love her dearly and know that the thing she is running towards are brash, and set the "worried line" deeper into my brow, but there is nothing I can do, nor should I do.

It's all wonderfully horrible actually. It's not till your teaching about regret, and the student says they understand, yet in their eyes you can see they do not, do you yourself truly begin to understand "no regrets". It's the steps they take down their own path, and only after that path has ended, will they truly come to understand what you were trying to show them.

It's after all that that you come to truly understand... There is no "good", there is no "bad", it's all relevant to the perception of the individual and how they use their actions to enrich their lives or ignore the value completely. Positive equals mass and there fore fills space and negative equals a lack of mass and there fore empty space, so it's up to one's self to learn and fill the space or ignore and leave the space empty...

Smile

Every time it happens,it just gets a little bit better. The smiles come faster the laughter is fuller, things feel's nice.I kind of don't want it stop any time soon. I like smiling.

Honest

It's a bad thing when you know you're not being completely honest with some one and even worse when that some one happens to be yourself. I just don't know how to steer these things? And in things I mean emotions.
Do you say it, just open your mouth and let it all fall out, at the risk of being a complete jack assed fool. Or do you bite your tongue and just let time take its course and see?
I've never been very good at these things, and the few times I've taken advice about it... Well I should have just left well enough alone.
WWSS? What would Steve say? Seriously, he's the one that always gives me the most blunt and honest truth, the one that kicks me hard for being such a blind idiot at the moment and time, and not listening to my own words. Your gut is usually a pretty reliable thing. So WWSS? WAKE UP!
Stop guessing, either just fucking do it, or shut the fuck up about it and move on girl. Seriously that's all you got to do.

Letter

I keep working on this imaginary letter to you in my mind. Sitting with pen and paper, scribing it all down then crumpling it up and trowing it away. You'd think the older you get, the stronger you'd be, the more knowledgeable you'd become, the easier it is to talk. Yet here I am feeling weak, uncertain and unable to find words that seem to fit?

Maybe Ben was right?

So maybe Ben was right? I found it interesting last night, this morning, that smell is a really curious and strong memory. When I woke up in my bed there was something still lingering that kept taking me back to his bed? There was a millisecond of almost forgetting where I was even through out the day there would be a strange sensation, something that kept taking me back to the night before. Finally I realized what it was. The smell, it was on my clothes, my skin, the slightest lingering of sent that kept creeping it's way back cross my nose making me forget where I was for the briefest second. It felt nice,warm,like a soft chuckle under neath someone's breath. Maybe Ben was right, it's stronger then you realize, sent. So what does that do for me now?