Shit Sundae No more!

For most of you, who actually know me, I've been running on hard times and on empty, for about three years now. I've been in and out of work, homes, debt, lovers, relationships (and I use that term loosely) needless to say, I've been eating off a shit sundae for a while now, feeling of crap, and doing what I can with what I had, which was jack and shit for too long. NO MORE!!! Finally, yes muthaeffin' FINALLY! I'm starting to see a silver lining shimmer though the storm that has been my days. When I got laid off back in 08 I had just signed up to go back to school (that I now wouldn't afford), I was living on my own for the first time, I was single for the first time in over 5 years. It was the scariest and darkest times in my life thus far, but I learned a lot about myself because of it. True I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, to say the least... as I mentioned they were rather dark times. I had cut myself off from the world I use to know and just dove into the pit, swimming in the darkness because if you can't beat it you might as well revel in it. I was careless, and put myself in harms way more than once. Still I wouldn't trade one minute of it. Made me a tough little bird. When I did finally crawl out of my hole of darkness and was welcome back to my second family, there was a swing on the rise that again gave me a bit of hope. A job that I didn't like but paid well, and a guy I didn't really think would work out, but I thought I would try so to overcome my "vanity". Again mistakes that lead to another lay off, and me learning what it is not to trust, and that vanity is not a bad thing. Also come to understand that sticking with your guts isn't a bad thing either. I fought my way through my second round of unemployment touched bottom of the ocean of debt, almost lost my home, needed to loose my "boyfriend" and found it a little hard to breath. If it weren't for my friends consistent patients, understanding, and forgiveness I never would have survived. I think I mean that literally too. I'm prone for depression and madness, I'm a fucking artistic personality what do you want from me? Still something kept me going, the fact I had acquired animals that needed me to survive was a small part of it. I love my lil Boo's. Seeing their little faces' looking up at me through tears of pain, anger and self hate always kept my heart warm and hopeful. The unconditional love an a animal is so amazing and powerful. If I where a parent I would pry say the same thing about a child, but I'm not so I can't, don't know if I ever will? There have been so many twists and turns I feel like some of it hasn't even been real. The highs and lows of some kind of drug induced dreaming that I was only able to control part of the time, I feel like I've finally broken through the surface of the storm driven seas that have tried to drown me for three years. I'm tossing my shit sundae, because I know there is far better out there for me now and dammit I deserve it. I actually do deserve it, I finally believe that? Why is that so hard for me to fathom at the moment? It's so strange? All the things I thought I was never good enough for, or the things that I thought were all I could get aren't enough. I'm ravenous with a hunger for life that I haven't felt since I was a child. I want to taste and feel and wrap myself in all things possible. All because I refused to let a dead car battery stand in my way, like I may have done a week before. Because I finally tasted the tiniest bit of sunlight and knew what it could be like. Because a smile light up their face when they saw me, not just anyone, but me? Not to worry I'm sill 100% a pessimist no doubt that my dark and broodish ways will ever be lost, but just maybe I'll be smiling a bit more often. Maybe;)