Two lives

    The journey continues… I see that world, I feel it all around me, and inside me. I have changed, I have become! I am having to adjust…. muh. I feel so inadequate to use such a classic cliche, but a butterfly from a caterpillar…. I am having to learn to use my body all over again. I’m letting my eyes adjust, I’m feeling the blood fill my limbs. Its all new again and I'be been trying to figure out how to share it. Then again with some of the looks on some of your faces, I don’t really have to. That has made me smile.

    I’ve been living two lives ever since that day. I keep grasping onto some of my old habits my old way of walking, presenting, talking. I feel like I’m this little person inside my own head looking out through these eyes trying to act “normal” so not scare anybody. It’s like a awkward episode of Dr. Who, which would make it an average episode of Dr. Who if you really think about it?

    I feel like the video you see of a new fold, born just a few hours ago and having to learn how to stand and walk right out of the gate. Its awkward, disorienting, and a bit painful here and there. Stumbling and bouncing off the old things around me, learning how to maneuver toward the new things ahead of me.

    My body has been purging itself, literally I’ve had a snot nose for about a week now it’s been disgusting. I’ve been testing myself, pinching myself just to make sure this hasn’t been a dream. I went out last night, to “party” like you do. It was an old cast from my other life doing things that we did every week. Drink, smoke, b.s. each other, maybe fuck. You know the usual. I was sitting there not even an hour in and already I was twitching, bored, looking around me for stimulation, something real something of worth. basically I looked like a 3 year old who was having to sit and wait at the office while mother took care of business. Squirming I tell ya. I drank my beer, it was alright but ya I didn’t need it. I had a few smokes, actually surprised I didn’t gag like a chump considering I haven’t smoked since that night. I flirted and smiled but I didn’t had no need of them in that way. Test was over when I smiled hugged my old cronies and drove home, and went back to this writing thing. Trying to create some kind of sense out of the wild that's been set free in me.

    It wasn't a dream. This is not just a passing thing, it's all the things and it's back at my fingertips where it always wanted to be. If anything I feel like it's more real now than ever.

Imagine

This John Lennon classic always makes me smile and I did imagine, all the time. Day dreaming about what the world would look like, feel like, without the shackles of this single dimensioned space we all tend to run circles in. Thinking why couldn't it be that way? Why is it such an obscure notion, why wouldn't we all want to change so we can live in a place where everyone is equal, at peace, and can love freely, without judgement, and without fear? Then again those two words, Change, Fear, they affect us so greatly whether we realize it or not.

Change, if you hunger for it, or fear it, it’s happening. You read about it, see it, hear it, feel it, its all around you everyday, it’s in the air, under our feet, with every breath, you can feel it in every place and every moment if you really allow yourself to be in that moment. “lift up the stone you will find me there.” Ever essence of your being and faith/belief becomes clearer and clearer as change takes place and you allow all the things that hold you back, all the things keeping you focused on everything but what you are right here and right now, the real you, the real beautiful honest and truthful you.

I’ve lived in shadow for most my life. Holding back truths I have felt in the very core of me. Things I have not shared with the people I should pry share with most, all out of fear. Fear, the one single thing that is the root of all suffering, all the hate, all the delusions we’ve built around ourselves to justify how we conduct this singular existence, that could be and mean so much more, on so many different levels.

“We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions.

In a world where greed is our god, and wisdom is sin, where division is key

and unity is fantasy, where the ego driven cleverness of the mind is praised,

rather than the intelligence of the heart. “Bill Hicks”

Within one very important moment, I feel like I am awake. All the layers and defenses melted away. I was deconstructed to nothing and was slowly collected together, less the weight of my fears and insecurities. I don’t think I have to imagine what that world without lines looks like now, no class, religions and colors. All the labels and classifications we obsess over, start wars over, and bend morals to keep, even try and force upon others. These identities we cultivate to feel like we belong, when we were never separated or alone in the first place. I am not American, Christian, white, female, or heterosexual, all these things you would assume when you look at me. I am being, the same as you and the same as all living things, full of light and energy to share.

There are still a million things to say, to share and with time more will come.