Two lives

    The journey continues… I see that world, I feel it all around me, and inside me. I have changed, I have become! I am having to adjust…. muh. I feel so inadequate to use such a classic cliche, but a butterfly from a caterpillar…. I am having to learn to use my body all over again. I’m letting my eyes adjust, I’m feeling the blood fill my limbs. Its all new again and I'be been trying to figure out how to share it. Then again with some of the looks on some of your faces, I don’t really have to. That has made me smile.

    I’ve been living two lives ever since that day. I keep grasping onto some of my old habits my old way of walking, presenting, talking. I feel like I’m this little person inside my own head looking out through these eyes trying to act “normal” so not scare anybody. It’s like a awkward episode of Dr. Who, which would make it an average episode of Dr. Who if you really think about it?

    I feel like the video you see of a new fold, born just a few hours ago and having to learn how to stand and walk right out of the gate. Its awkward, disorienting, and a bit painful here and there. Stumbling and bouncing off the old things around me, learning how to maneuver toward the new things ahead of me.

    My body has been purging itself, literally I’ve had a snot nose for about a week now it’s been disgusting. I’ve been testing myself, pinching myself just to make sure this hasn’t been a dream. I went out last night, to “party” like you do. It was an old cast from my other life doing things that we did every week. Drink, smoke, b.s. each other, maybe fuck. You know the usual. I was sitting there not even an hour in and already I was twitching, bored, looking around me for stimulation, something real something of worth. basically I looked like a 3 year old who was having to sit and wait at the office while mother took care of business. Squirming I tell ya. I drank my beer, it was alright but ya I didn’t need it. I had a few smokes, actually surprised I didn’t gag like a chump considering I haven’t smoked since that night. I flirted and smiled but I didn’t had no need of them in that way. Test was over when I smiled hugged my old cronies and drove home, and went back to this writing thing. Trying to create some kind of sense out of the wild that's been set free in me.

    It wasn't a dream. This is not just a passing thing, it's all the things and it's back at my fingertips where it always wanted to be. If anything I feel like it's more real now than ever.