Good night

You know its a good night when you start looking at the bottles of pills on your nightstand and count how many you have, and research on Google how many it would take.
Laying there, thinking about all the shit, and not quite seeing any end. Thinking back on things that just happened not long ago that left you feeling pretty empty, when you were hoping it would be lovely, fulfilling, the beginnings of something.... Ya but it was nothing. Not anyone's fault but your own, honestly, it's where hope can get you sometimes, nowhere.
You attempt fumbled and awkward moments of reaching out for some kind of contact, it leads to more awkwardness, frustration, anger, then all the sad falls out of your face like a piss rain out of nowhere. You're a little wet, cold, uncomfortable, then the shakes hit, and all you can do is curl into a ball, alone still.
You start deleting text, then people. You get rid of all those fucked up dating apps that have become more of a really messed up game of "Who are you" but with real live people. Blowing through faces like you've been blowing through tissues because well the face leaking crap from earlier. You wish you had enough booze and ciggerets to put you into and breathless coma.
You look back at the bottles again.
Looking around the space you've slowly let slip into a pit, thinking it would be a good idea to give it clean, write some things out, hide the sex toys and clear the web history. Writing out the passwords to the multimedia for family, or maybe just deleting it all together. That would pry be too dramatic. You may be a performer, but never a drama queen. Leave that to the "professinals".
Back in the mind even further a conversation while under the stars in a tub, with a bit of whiskey and someone who you think of as a soulmate. That talk about Nihilism, how you go through making the best of what seems to be a fairly fatalistic situation and you really have to wonder, why? Loved those talks, didn't feel so crazy in those moments...
Course the fatalism seems to shine like a atomic bomb when you're "soulmate" doesn't hear you when you fumble and stumble behind grited sarcasm. Feeling like you're fucking begging for just a breaths worth of time to share that feeling again, of not feeling crazy, getting to feel comfortable in another persons presents, not alone.
They all honestly don't have, don't want to deal with you're shit. Who would? Who really wants to be there for someone when they are crumbling and loosing their grip. Its selfish, almost irresponsible to think people want to help single solitary things. We are at the bottom of the 1st world problems after all.
That is right? First world problems, when there's, sick family, cancer, homeless, starving, slave trade, extortion, murder, rape, abuse all colors of the rainbow happening with in every second a letter is typed here.
Looking at those damn bottles again, and wonder if it couldn't make the smallest fraction of a difference by taking this one 1st world problem out of the equation, and make some room for things that do seem so much more important, so much happier for those with some kind of hope?
Too selfish, to cowardly, too stubborn, too scared of not or maybe knowing all to well what's after this bit of nothing.
You know its been a fucking great night when making lists in you head, pro's, con's, things that should be disposed of, things set aside, more list of written things. You know its been just super dupperest of all nights when you're doing this, again, and it doesn't really change a fucking thing. It just keeps the pills in the bottle for a while, keeps the brain locked on word form, grammar, or the lack there of. Trying to remain whitty and charming, so they laugh nervously and not think too deeply into context. After all they are just words, they mean nothing with out actions, so in the end worthes, except to the writer's demons. Have to feed them something. Yeah just the best god damned night ever.

Roots

I was told I have no root, to ground myself,  and there fore come across as an unstable person to a perspective mate, hence why I've gone round in this vicious 10year cycle of singledom.
They are right, but not in the way they were discribing. I have not had a root in myself. I've been a self loathing, self hating, overly compermizing person, who use to think deep down, like many people  that to be accomplished by this time I should be settled with a stable life, career, with partner and 5 year plan. (Not saying that is a bad thing it'd beautiful for most)
That is not who I am. I was never the little girl who had a planned wedding, career with hubby and 1.5 kids. I never really saw that for myself. I've tried, I've day dreamed about that life, picked fence and all. I've questioned my sanity over how I don't want it, and if I'm not just setting myself up for failier, to keep punishing myself for not being of the norm.
I am who am, an artists, healer, gypsy vsgabon, who dreams of no set plans and the freedom to walk life day to day in the now chaos and all. when life presents me with the opportunities, I'll be brave enough to walk through those opening, to cross those thresholds and see what lies beyond them.
I have not loved myself, I have never cared enough about me to truly throw all caustion aginst the wind and fallow my own being. I've always been afraid of being alone, because of that I've compromised my feelings and thoughts to be with others so I wasn't so alone. Why have I "never been good enough" for someone to want to be with? Its not because of my lack of 5 year plan, but it has been of my own lack of stability, trust in myself, my love for me and my dreams. That is the one thing I will take away from my conversation tonight.
I do not know what comes tomorrow? I've tried to predict and read the future into so many things that I lost the day and the beauty it had, over anxiety driven anticipation of things that where never there. I'm going to try and make a new promise to myself. I'm am this now and I will be what ever tomorrow brings. Nothing more, nothing less, and I will actually love the me I am in every moment, and know that I am enough, that I am whole, and will be blessed with every twist, turn and new lesson life gives me to understand. 

Full Circle

     I went on the last half of my journey, the begginning of a new path, and a time out for me when it comes to traveling across planes. I was shreaded and reborn the first time, I disscovered and realized the potential the second, now I am faced with the responsability of everything I have finally allowed myself to be. (fuck)

     The only way to continue to learn, is to teach. I am not ready!!! It's all I can think of. There are books and certificates for this kind of things isn't there??? I mean tests and things that you are suppose to pass before you move on to the next level? Right, I mean that's everything we are molded into when we start to grow and strech these fleshy body things. Our western socity never seems to have a place for the life lived, the experiance felt and cultivated through just walking everyday.

     I am in the midst of a foreign world. A world of privilege, a world where worrying about where your next meal will come from is not in question. Where you lay your head is not a fear to face. It is something I have dreamt about, but the few times I've been welcomed to sit in that world, I could never want it for myself. 

This mixed emotion over people "talking" of an enlightened existence, and somehow it feels like they are just buying it, from a book, a festival, a yoga class.... Not that those are bad things, they can be tge doors to what you can really find. There is no one answer there is no term or language to express. Our man made lable and boxes will never fit the infanate thats waiting. So now I am here, I moved past the fork in the road. The fork my fear and doubt created. Just as here is no spoon, there us no fork, your path is there, it is open and waiting for you if you just trust in your being.

     Coming back round full circle to my doubt's and fears revisiting them, and coming to understand now why they were there. Taking them back from the ether I placed them for safe keeping. I am not a child of light, I am not a child of dark, I am all that is silver and grey.

And now Ladies and Gentalman The Tight Rope

     It has been such an interesting journey so far, new skin, new eyes, new outlook on well.... everything. It's a constant balancing act these days of living in the now and keeping my heart open to the things that may come with every breath I am given now, and the moments where I have to still live in this plane of rat race circles. To day was one of the most beautiful examples of the tight rope act I have ever performed.

     A stumbling block or two from my past has come back to test my new disposition and it's been interesting to step back and see how I am reacting to the stresses brought to me by my previous self, (thanks self). Seeing how much easier it for me to maneuver through the test now then how I would have spazzed out to it back then. It's not night and day but just completely different.

     It's all DMV based issues, so again here is the test of duality, the tight rope feels like it gets thinner beneath the soles of my feet, almost cutting into them. The potential for the world and how it could be in my mind is so beautiful and in so many ways it exists on the plane I walk through most of these days. Then the sledge hammer of the broken concept, government, greed, money and how it's vicious bureaucratic mojo keep us all running round in circles so well, blinding us from the actual potentl, and I feel that rope make its first small slice into my foot and I begin to bleed a lil and the line get slick. The moment of fight or flight, your heart skips and you your knees almost go weak. My brain was racing where do I allow my thoughts to go, do I become distracted by the simple things of this place and let them take me back to that spazzy girl who would run and hide and let things get out of hand like they have again, or just breath and stand tall and let my body flow through the moment and keep me grounded on that line despite the little bit of pain and distraction. Did I really have to think that one through? Ya I did but only for a second.

     These fleshy bags we wonder through this plane in are such fragile clumsy things. Limited, fearful, always hungry and driven but the concepts of limited time. Its all so very limited. If only we can see past that limit daily and see the infinite that we are all connected to. It seems impossible some days as I looks down from the wire sticky and wiggly beneath my feet, swaying slightly in the wind of change. It makes my heart pump, and my breath rappied-fire from my lungs. You see your mortality below you, and you freeze and stop still, if we don't move any further and stay right where we are, we wont fall.... Fear controls every action when we look down and see only the mortal world instead of looking up and seeing the vastness of the universe and everything beyond it.

When worlds collide

I was hopping for more, but can't say I'm to terribly surprised. After seeing the blank empty stare in your eyes as the cloud of your demons escaped the lungs, I had a feeling that the talk was going to be in vain and a waste of gas, again... I sat there looking at the rings under your eyes, the emptiness and flatness taking the place of what was bright inquisitiveness. I don't know if its just because I came to know you more, and the bright shiny aspects of what I thought was someone "out of my league", had fallen to the way side, or just the facts that you no longer had the strength to care or pretend to be the bright light you wanted so badly to be? Don't get me wrong I know we can't all be amazing power houses everyday, but there was a purpose to this sit down, and to see no light, no warmth, not actual interest or concern, despite any fatigue, was the true disappointment. 

To think there was a very brief moment you called me Goddess, there was a beautiful revival in my connection with you. You seemed so open, you believed in me not to judge you, to accept you. You saw me and my strength and accepted me as an equal. You said you had respect for me once. Hence why you wanted to be friends and keep me close. I was one of the only women who challenged you you in the bed room, you could share with me, say what ever was going on in your world with out edits or holding back. Some where between your need to be dominate and my lusts for physical excursion and limitless pushing we found a mutual admiration. It seemed to grow and evolve into this curious friendship/partnership. Trust admiration even love was born out of what in the beginning was not anything more than a few rounds of lust.

I'm sorry if I've came to expect more from you. You had shown me your vulnerability, your insecurity, and your weaknesses, weather you knew you were or not. I've seen you puff up like a peacock to demonstrate the prowess you've cultivated to get what you feel you need from others. I've heard your boasts of power of persuasion, I seen you use it. I feel I've known more of you than you ever meant to share. Maybe that is where this pain and frustration with in me comes from. I have seen this beautiful person you want to be. Hell I found parts of myself in it's reflection. Then again this is the definition of Empathy, this is the true path of the Empath. You do not see it, you do not feel it, that unexplained bond that develop, is me allowing myself to connect to you, which makes that connection so much more intense to me than it is to you. It is so much more fragile. For every careless word and action that means nothing to you, it turns in to a sledgehammer into the brain for me. When I sit and explain to you that you have hurt me, I have lost trust in you, that the consistent bombardment of carelessness and unsympathetic actions has cut me, understand that I'm not saying it for my own health, I am not merely getting things of my chest. I am a mirror in front of you asking you to look at what it is you are putting out to the world and those around you. When you close your eyes and keep looking away, it becomes so painful to know that I have to cut that cord and turn away myself. 

It is so painful for those moments, breathing, feeling it slip away, as you pull yourself out of the space of another. Letting the doors close behind you. Its cold, for a bit, it stings like alcohol on a fresh wound, there is a bite there is a smell almost of something burning. a cut being cauterized. All of those seconds crash in around your head leaving you with brief moments of fight or flight. You either want to cause the same pain, or you want to just run as far away as you can. Neither is the answer, closer is needed. You will need those final moments to sit and let it all pass over you with the other there, having no clue what is taking place right before them. It will be frustrating, it will hurt but it just has to be done, to sit and talk as if there is nothing taking place, to sit and let them ignore what's really happening. It fine, you let it wash over you and out of you and back to where it came from. 

When I left that day, which was what I am pretty sure would will be the last time, my head lifted. I slipped into my car and turned on the engine. I cried a little I cursed, I was angry, I reached out to the world, and started to drive. With in moments I was cradled by the world and found my way back to friends and family. I was supported I was loved and I was happy. The next day, there was less weight, and these words started finding there way to my fingers. At first it was a e-mail, but I realized that there was no point when it only would be read by what I knew now was a fairly careless heart. So I continued to compose and I thought of others I've known who have been in this place and felt this way and didn't quite know why. Well this is why.

Please don't undersell yourself. You are not crazy, you are not over dramatizing, you are giving a gift, and sometimes there are those who are not ready for it and it has to be taken back. They will not see it they will not undersand why you are being so "sinsitive" about something that doesn't really matter, or why its that big of deal. Take your time, and say what you need to say, let it wash over them and yourself, and if there is nothing in return, then sit, breath, take your time, bring back all that wich you gave, no matter how painful it may be right then and there, just breath, and make sure you let it all slip back to where it belongs return you to your balance. Come back from the things you knew and saw coming, and you know what I mean. Trust your self, believe in your intuition. Your are a beutiful being of light and dark, and you are fully aware, thake care of yourself. 

Letting go and moving on.

These past few months have been a very overwhelming jounrey for me. I have been filtering through the ashes of my previous life, cleaning up, and learning every day how to manouver theough this place, with my sinces and awareness on max over drive.

The new lessons I've been trying to absorb? Simplifying, and letting go of the pains from the past. Most have been shead becasue they were self inflicted pains, things I take responsabliltiy for and did to myself. There are other pains though, connected to people, people I use to be close to, people I wish I could introduce myself to again. Hell I'm having to do that now with people I don't have these old hangups with, so you can imagine how hard it might be with people who I've bled over, (metaphorically of course).

I use to laugh when Cory referred to people as humans when talking about dealing with social interactions. Now, I kind of get it. I did it a few days ago when talking about trying to be social again. I was shocked to hear it come out of my mouth. "Humans" to know what it is to be one, but not feel connected to it in the same way. It makes this processes even tougher. There is an Amber suit I feel I have to slip back on from time to time to deal with some aspects of life, certain people I have to interact with. It feels a bit icky and well used let me tell you, that suit would not pass a black light test.... I'm hoping some day I won't need it. That I can toss it for good but I have a feeling that will take a little time.

Now with some time under my belt and getting a bit stronger on my legs, I've gained a bit of objective with the clarity. Thank goodness. Seeing everything is one thing but having the where with all to processes it, totally different story. It's like that secene from the "The Man of Steel" (yes it kinda sucked but you know all damn well you watched it) where the helmet breaks and Zod is over come with everything bombarding his system at once. Ya it's kinda like that. So you miss a lot of the finer details of the things right in front of you sometimes.

Kind of sad to say now that I'm catching up with all my processing, a connection I made on this journey, wasn't as shared as I thought. It's a strange thing when seeing someone wanting to be where your at and have what you have, (even when your bumbling like Bambi) To hear them say they doubt you get it. They unknowingly try to belittle you in some ways, always have to take the lead and be teacher. Still holding on to old vices and not having the guts to admit it. Little lies little cracks. They want it so bad, and they could... My first disappointment so far. Not as devastating as I thought it would be. There where brief moments of fire and brimstone, but I calmed, I centred, I asked and heard what what was said behind the defensiveness. The brimstone died down, and I could see the struggle of the ego. It passed, and I still loved, but I do need to keep moving forward.

Two lives

    The journey continues… I see that world, I feel it all around me, and inside me. I have changed, I have become! I am having to adjust…. muh. I feel so inadequate to use such a classic cliche, but a butterfly from a caterpillar…. I am having to learn to use my body all over again. I’m letting my eyes adjust, I’m feeling the blood fill my limbs. Its all new again and I'be been trying to figure out how to share it. Then again with some of the looks on some of your faces, I don’t really have to. That has made me smile.

    I’ve been living two lives ever since that day. I keep grasping onto some of my old habits my old way of walking, presenting, talking. I feel like I’m this little person inside my own head looking out through these eyes trying to act “normal” so not scare anybody. It’s like a awkward episode of Dr. Who, which would make it an average episode of Dr. Who if you really think about it?

    I feel like the video you see of a new fold, born just a few hours ago and having to learn how to stand and walk right out of the gate. Its awkward, disorienting, and a bit painful here and there. Stumbling and bouncing off the old things around me, learning how to maneuver toward the new things ahead of me.

    My body has been purging itself, literally I’ve had a snot nose for about a week now it’s been disgusting. I’ve been testing myself, pinching myself just to make sure this hasn’t been a dream. I went out last night, to “party” like you do. It was an old cast from my other life doing things that we did every week. Drink, smoke, b.s. each other, maybe fuck. You know the usual. I was sitting there not even an hour in and already I was twitching, bored, looking around me for stimulation, something real something of worth. basically I looked like a 3 year old who was having to sit and wait at the office while mother took care of business. Squirming I tell ya. I drank my beer, it was alright but ya I didn’t need it. I had a few smokes, actually surprised I didn’t gag like a chump considering I haven’t smoked since that night. I flirted and smiled but I didn’t had no need of them in that way. Test was over when I smiled hugged my old cronies and drove home, and went back to this writing thing. Trying to create some kind of sense out of the wild that's been set free in me.

    It wasn't a dream. This is not just a passing thing, it's all the things and it's back at my fingertips where it always wanted to be. If anything I feel like it's more real now than ever.