That one silly name...

Somebody, any body, please, please, please explain to me WHY!?! Why do men not care, or mind to openly confess that they are selfish, self centered, me, me, me, little boys that can't seem to see past there own noses? I am boggled by the notion that there are people in the world that can't step outside themselves for a little bit, think of others for a change?

An why in the fuck do I keep finding them. Why do they "think the world of me." when in all honestly they don't! Because if they did, they wouldn't feed me bullshit on a silver plated spoon and try and tell me it's all real. I can see the chips in the plating and smell the cat food that's supposedly patte, Wanker...

Here it is, just a few things I would like to find. Handsome, honest, funny, witty and smart, something a bit on the artistic/creative side. NOT a liar, not so self absorbed that that I could never live up to there silly idealistic bullshit. Fair, honorable with a respectable moral compass and common since, dear gods please let him have some common fing since. Seriously why are these thing so hard to find? All these little boys running around and not one really bloody man to spare?

It's sad when you think you may have even found what you're looking for, but so over come with feeling and caring the fear of ever loosing is too much to bare. This shit just sucks...

Not for this world

I’m at a loss and I don’t even know where to begin? I think too much, I try to hard? I want too much? All these things have come to mind.

When I look into the eyes of someone sitting across the way from me and see them look at me in a way of adoring that catch me off guard, my mind is set adrift with wild notions of some kind of a future with this person. I see a house and me with them, fights and moments of joy, tears and laughter. I see how ALL those things could be lovely and wonderfully bitter sweet. I begin to wonder if they feel the same in that moment too? I see their flaws, and adore them, my caring grows making me vulnerable. Their frailties become precious to me and I admire their strengths even more. They capture my intrigue and I want to know them and give them more of me.

I begin to let my guard down and give them the opportunity to see me, and who I am, in the hopes of enticing them to want to get to know me, only to find that just when I have begun to let the notion of love break through my high walls, they have already made up there minds that I couldn’t possibly be the one.

I claim NOT to believe in love, but in reality, I do, I believe in a TRUE love. I take time and caution in my ways. I try not to give away my heart too freely, only to find that when I even start to think of even giving it at all, I’ve been cut short and left to question… Think, think, think myself into a world of question and doubt it there ever will be any one for me.

If I hear one more man in my life that I even thought about giving a chance to, tell me, “You should have the best man in the world because you are so wonderful.” I may very well have to stab them with a spoon, “…because it will hurt more.”

I go along my way and play fates marry game, the bitter bitch that she is. Maybe this is my flaw? With the way days and times have changed maybe my 0.5 over 1.0 theory is lost on this day and age? I sit and watch Hollywood’s version of love at the moment of sight, over and over and swoon and wish it to be so simple, but know real life has to many twists and turns that take longer to develop than 69 minutes of screen time, if only…

When I keep loosing out on chances of maybe having a go at finding love, because of things that seems so sudden over riding it, it makes one think that I am not for this world’s idea of love. That the reason I’m not married by now is because the man that shared my ideals of what “falling in love” truly is doesn’t really exist at all? I wait for the day for that someone to prove me wrong till then…

swinging on her skirt laces

Don't you just hate it when you get all twisted up inside. Wanting to curse the gods for being so unfair in the moment, and Fate a true cold hearted bitch to dangle something so lovely in front of your face but keep it just out of reach. It keeps you on tip toes stretching till it feels like every muscle in your body may snap from the tension you keep. It's so close, almost there you can graze it with your finger tips, feel it's silky softness and with every time it caresses the edge of your world your heart races and you try just a little bit harder to reach. That's when it happens something inside you snaps and your left like crumpled rag doll on the the floor, broken and tattered with the beautiful thing completely out of your reach now. It just dances off the breeze from Fate's skirt laces. As she dangles her legs off over the edge of the clouds that hover over the dark pit that can be this planet. She shakes her head and clicks her tong with this knowing smile of, "poor poor broken toy of mine, what ever will I do with you, when ever will you learn?"

The beigging of a novel

You would think being crushed beneath one hundred and eighty-six pounds of tight rippled abs while it’s writhing and grunting away would be a good thing, most the time you’d be right, but as Cassie had discovered over time, the pretty packages didn’t always guarantee the highest of performance. He wasn’t great but not completely horrible either, needless to say it was still to early to decided if he would qualify as a repeat performance or not. She never walked into a situation thinking “one night stand” she actually didn’t care for them, but sometimes, certain situations just wound up that way. Like tonight, he was cute and she didn’t feel like going home, still that may just have lead to never asking his last name and conveniently forgetting to give him her number before slipping off in the morning.

She had picked up a few tricks to help get through some of the less than stellar performances. For instance if you close your eyes tight enough and Ooo’d and Ahhh’d in just the right way, you can forget about the guy laying on top of you, grabbing you from behind or the sundry of other positions they could try and fold you into, and eventually the sweating heaving bulks of man just seem to fade into multiple phantom limbs, which is actually kind of hot when she thought about it. Still here she way wiggling and squirming away enjoying what she could from what she had to work with. Her eyes closed tight and the vibration of her own sounds filling her head with a nice soothing amount of white noise. His smell was heavy and not just the smell of his cologne but his sweat and musk, it filled her nose and made it wiggle.

All she could think at the moment, while her nose itched was, thank god they weren’t at her place. She had just put new sheets on her bed and it would have been a pain in the ass to have to change them so soon. Then again they did create Fabreez for a reason. List of things she needed to do the next day began to compile behind her eye lids. She let her mind slip even further back, and lists gave way to memories of old lovers, the ones that thunder bolted her. It brought a smile across her lips and twist in her hips, that lead him to believe he was doing a job well done. She wasn’t a callous or uncaring woman she was actually very thoughtful and responsive when she was with her lover’s, she gave them all she could. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to them, that could never be everything, hence the lists and random thoughts, like right now she was trying to remember if she left enough foot out for the cat before she left for work this morning…

Finally he would come and pull out and she would slip her way off the bed snatch up what bits of clothes she could along the way to the loo. Making small talk along the way giggling on how nice it was blah blah blah… Closing the door behind her locking it as quietly as possible she turned on the foist and grabbed up a wash cloth from the stacked towels above the toilet and proceeded to tidy up. She looked herself over in the mirror. No bite marks, hickies, or potential bruising? Check. Mascara not completely sweated down her face? Check. The inventory of clothing she managed to gather up was most of everything, thankfully. The only thing a miss was her shoes and jewelry which was still down stairs with her bag. She finished cleaning up and gargled a little warm water before slipping into her underwear and jeans. The top she would save for her final exit. Never underestimate the power of breasts, they will make most men stupid. In using this knowledge Cassie found it useful to save slipping on the shirt at the last moments before slipping back into the night, helped keep awkward questions from coming up such as. “When can I see you again,” “Can I get your number,” and other such queries that could help said young man find her again…

Something old something new...

There is a light being shown upon me, a harsh light that is opening up the inside of my major organs, showing me all the shit I've been force feeding myself to cope with the lone wolf attitude I've been trying so hard to adapt to, because it's "good for me". Not that I regret any second of my life these past few months. The solitary, the people I've meet, the encounters I've faced and the new things I've discovered about me, have all been worth the small bit of heartache I feel now. In some ways I've have gained a new part of me, a more confidant me, a side that is stronger and more calloused up to the world's bullshit. At the same time It's made me weaker and less resistance to the dream life that so many seem to strive for, that I always thought I was better than, that I could rise above such simple biological needs. I am an intelligent person, may hap smarter than your average individual, just maybe. My ideas are proud and I often think out side the box, take to the new and want to move up and beyond the norm of the every day. So why I ask you, why is something so simple and so ordinary the down fall of my grandiose plans of global takeover?

It's amazing when you get only a small taste of something you had left behind. Something you aren't even sure exists, still there is a taste of something and it awakens all these feelings and desires that you thought you had moved passed? Still that small taste of what ever "it" is and you become ravenous for any little morsels you can get your hands on, not to forget the source in which the delirious sensation has come from. It really is a fing drug these feelings of, lets call it "belonging". There is no other way to explain it. The sensations of being with someone and I'm not just talking about the pump action motions of being with someone, but truly being with someone. The day in day out, sharing a bed, sharing meals, walking hand in hand and talking about what your likes and dislikes, family, your hopes and fears. Letting it all tumble out of you and into the person standing next to you, this kind of exchange is what makes you feel as though you belong right there with them doing this same sort of thing over and over, sharing your day in and day battles and joys. Fuck if that isn't one of the most amazing feelings in the world. Knowing your not completely alone, knowing you have a partner in crime that knows your in's and out's. Waking up to someone you know you don't have to impress but you still want to do your all you can for them because it makes you feel so damn good to do so.

This uncomfortably bright light, that keep shinning on me is rather well... unnerving I'm doing things a bit out of my nature, but feel wonderfully right. Like jumping into a pool all at once with out testing it first. The shock of the water as it engulfs you, the struggle to break your way back out and to the surface to breath again, every time it's new an exhilarating but at the same time familiar and beautiful, leaving me wanting to do it again and again. I want to dive into you, loose my breath to the shock of you, crash my way back to reality so I can dive back into you over and over.