There is a light being shown upon me, a harsh light that is opening up the inside of my major organs, showing me all the shit I've been force feeding myself to cope with the lone wolf attitude I've been trying so hard to adapt to, because it's "good for me". Not that I regret any second of my life these past few months. The solitary, the people I've meet, the encounters I've faced and the new things I've discovered about me, have all been worth the small bit of heartache I feel now. In some ways I've have gained a new part of me, a more confidant me, a side that is stronger and more calloused up to the world's bullshit. At the same time It's made me weaker and less resistance to the dream life that so many seem to strive for, that I always thought I was better than, that I could rise above such simple biological needs. I am an intelligent person, may hap smarter than your average individual, just maybe. My ideas are proud and I often think out side the box, take to the new and want to move up and beyond the norm of the every day. So why I ask you, why is something so simple and so ordinary the down fall of my grandiose plans of global takeover?
It's amazing when you get only a small taste of something you had left behind. Something you aren't even sure exists, still there is a taste of something and it awakens all these feelings and desires that you thought you had moved passed? Still that small taste of what ever "it" is and you become ravenous for any little morsels you can get your hands on, not to forget the source in which the delirious sensation has come from. It really is a fing drug these feelings of, lets call it "belonging". There is no other way to explain it. The sensations of being with someone and I'm not just talking about the pump action motions of being with someone, but truly being with someone. The day in day out, sharing a bed, sharing meals, walking hand in hand and talking about what your likes and dislikes, family, your hopes and fears. Letting it all tumble out of you and into the person standing next to you, this kind of exchange is what makes you feel as though you belong right there with them doing this same sort of thing over and over, sharing your day in and day battles and joys. Fuck if that isn't one of the most amazing feelings in the world. Knowing your not completely alone, knowing you have a partner in crime that knows your in's and out's. Waking up to someone you know you don't have to impress but you still want to do your all you can for them because it makes you feel so damn good to do so.
This uncomfortably bright light, that keep shinning on me is rather well... unnerving I'm doing things a bit out of my nature, but feel wonderfully right. Like jumping into a pool all at once with out testing it first. The shock of the water as it engulfs you, the struggle to break your way back out and to the surface to breath again, every time it's new an exhilarating but at the same time familiar and beautiful, leaving me wanting to do it again and again. I want to dive into you, loose my breath to the shock of you, crash my way back to reality so I can dive back into you over and over.
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