Not for this world

I’m at a loss and I don’t even know where to begin? I think too much, I try to hard? I want too much? All these things have come to mind.

When I look into the eyes of someone sitting across the way from me and see them look at me in a way of adoring that catch me off guard, my mind is set adrift with wild notions of some kind of a future with this person. I see a house and me with them, fights and moments of joy, tears and laughter. I see how ALL those things could be lovely and wonderfully bitter sweet. I begin to wonder if they feel the same in that moment too? I see their flaws, and adore them, my caring grows making me vulnerable. Their frailties become precious to me and I admire their strengths even more. They capture my intrigue and I want to know them and give them more of me.

I begin to let my guard down and give them the opportunity to see me, and who I am, in the hopes of enticing them to want to get to know me, only to find that just when I have begun to let the notion of love break through my high walls, they have already made up there minds that I couldn’t possibly be the one.

I claim NOT to believe in love, but in reality, I do, I believe in a TRUE love. I take time and caution in my ways. I try not to give away my heart too freely, only to find that when I even start to think of even giving it at all, I’ve been cut short and left to question… Think, think, think myself into a world of question and doubt it there ever will be any one for me.

If I hear one more man in my life that I even thought about giving a chance to, tell me, “You should have the best man in the world because you are so wonderful.” I may very well have to stab them with a spoon, “…because it will hurt more.”

I go along my way and play fates marry game, the bitter bitch that she is. Maybe this is my flaw? With the way days and times have changed maybe my 0.5 over 1.0 theory is lost on this day and age? I sit and watch Hollywood’s version of love at the moment of sight, over and over and swoon and wish it to be so simple, but know real life has to many twists and turns that take longer to develop than 69 minutes of screen time, if only…

When I keep loosing out on chances of maybe having a go at finding love, because of things that seems so sudden over riding it, it makes one think that I am not for this world’s idea of love. That the reason I’m not married by now is because the man that shared my ideals of what “falling in love” truly is doesn’t really exist at all? I wait for the day for that someone to prove me wrong till then…