Out with the old and keep on moving.

So I did my annual phone book cleaning. This year was a bit different though. I think this may have been my heaviest "date" year, and my most disappointed in man kind year as well.
A lot of names where dumped today, and I do mean a lot of names. I was really disappointed by it actually. There were one or two names that I wound up dumping from my phone that actually made me really sad. Names I really enjoyed talking to, names I didn't even give a shit if I wound up dating them or not, because I dug them so much as a person, I just wanted them to be in my life as a friend. The sad thing is I expect more from my friends than I do from someone I'm "dating". I think that may catch a lot of people off guard. Still its better to know these guys can't handle that kind of thing up front I suppose and just be done with it. Still surprises me to this day how many people out there don't believe men and women can be just friends?

Course there is a bit of a personal dilemma with that whole line of thinking... It's like, if I do say I want to date you, it means I'm not expecting it to last very long, but if I want to just hang out with you, get to know you, and be friends, I think you have potential to be something more. Pry some of the craziest logic I've ever had but its very true. Hence I expect way more from my friends than I do my dates, and also why its more of a disappointment to delete a name who I was just hanging out with and getting to known, than a guy I dated once. Oh well...

Shit Sundae No more!

For most of you, who actually know me, I've been running on hard times and on empty, for about three years now. I've been in and out of work, homes, debt, lovers, relationships (and I use that term loosely) needless to say, I've been eating off a shit sundae for a while now, feeling of crap, and doing what I can with what I had, which was jack and shit for too long. NO MORE!!! Finally, yes muthaeffin' FINALLY! I'm starting to see a silver lining shimmer though the storm that has been my days. When I got laid off back in 08 I had just signed up to go back to school (that I now wouldn't afford), I was living on my own for the first time, I was single for the first time in over 5 years. It was the scariest and darkest times in my life thus far, but I learned a lot about myself because of it. True I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, to say the least... as I mentioned they were rather dark times. I had cut myself off from the world I use to know and just dove into the pit, swimming in the darkness because if you can't beat it you might as well revel in it. I was careless, and put myself in harms way more than once. Still I wouldn't trade one minute of it. Made me a tough little bird. When I did finally crawl out of my hole of darkness and was welcome back to my second family, there was a swing on the rise that again gave me a bit of hope. A job that I didn't like but paid well, and a guy I didn't really think would work out, but I thought I would try so to overcome my "vanity". Again mistakes that lead to another lay off, and me learning what it is not to trust, and that vanity is not a bad thing. Also come to understand that sticking with your guts isn't a bad thing either. I fought my way through my second round of unemployment touched bottom of the ocean of debt, almost lost my home, needed to loose my "boyfriend" and found it a little hard to breath. If it weren't for my friends consistent patients, understanding, and forgiveness I never would have survived. I think I mean that literally too. I'm prone for depression and madness, I'm a fucking artistic personality what do you want from me? Still something kept me going, the fact I had acquired animals that needed me to survive was a small part of it. I love my lil Boo's. Seeing their little faces' looking up at me through tears of pain, anger and self hate always kept my heart warm and hopeful. The unconditional love an a animal is so amazing and powerful. If I where a parent I would pry say the same thing about a child, but I'm not so I can't, don't know if I ever will? There have been so many twists and turns I feel like some of it hasn't even been real. The highs and lows of some kind of drug induced dreaming that I was only able to control part of the time, I feel like I've finally broken through the surface of the storm driven seas that have tried to drown me for three years. I'm tossing my shit sundae, because I know there is far better out there for me now and dammit I deserve it. I actually do deserve it, I finally believe that? Why is that so hard for me to fathom at the moment? It's so strange? All the things I thought I was never good enough for, or the things that I thought were all I could get aren't enough. I'm ravenous with a hunger for life that I haven't felt since I was a child. I want to taste and feel and wrap myself in all things possible. All because I refused to let a dead car battery stand in my way, like I may have done a week before. Because I finally tasted the tiniest bit of sunlight and knew what it could be like. Because a smile light up their face when they saw me, not just anyone, but me? Not to worry I'm sill 100% a pessimist no doubt that my dark and broodish ways will ever be lost, but just maybe I'll be smiling a bit more often. Maybe;)

Can't Sleep

I've been working that little divot back into my finger again. Think I'm trying to write out all of my demons and fears, of course with a few key strokes I seem to do the same thing just with keys instead of ink, and there is rope attached to those keys, and that rope tends to make a lovely little noose I dangling myself from. I've done that tonight, that's pry why I'm having trouble getting to sleep. Brain is racing and the information isn't compiling fast enough to fill in the spaces where all my questions have formed. It's like living in a hourglass where the sand is wet and chunky. Wow that is an uncomfortable image... Uncertainty and insecurity are the banes of my life. They create the only thing that makes me weak in this world, fear. Its my only one true down fall it makes me act irrationality. I pride myself on being a fairly clear level headed and logical minded person. So when I feel that slip I can feel the wheels turn in my guts trying to fight off all the stupid crap that's about to flood my mind and make me obsess over the stupidest shit, because of fear. I can't control it I can't seem to stop it till I just bite the bullet, grow some balls and say or ask what I need to know, at the risk of being a complete fool. That's how we learn though I'm afraid. Facing the unknown, taking the risk and very well hurting our selves because of it. I've always believed its better to know and live, then be ignorant and wonder what if the rest of my days, no matter how many cuts and bruises I pick up along the way.

Wrong but right.

So I was wrong about one feeling, but my gut is still churning, meaning I'm pry right about the one thing that actually ment something. Ain't that  the bitch that is life. Here's to turning the page.

I started a new old book

So I write a lot. 3/4 of what I write, I actually do the old fashioned way, with a note pad and pen. I noticed the other day the divit I use to have in my finger from all the writing I use to do isn't there as much any more. Maybe that's one of the reasons I went to my shelves and found one of my old pads tonight? Maybe it was the thoughts running through my head on the drive home, or the nostalgia of my youth throbbing through my ears while I danced my heart out like was 17 again? Its pry all of it, but needless to say, I had to get out the pen and take it all down, in the hopes that one day I can share it with you, and that all these thought and feeling will come to light. I see a lot in this moment, I see a lot in you, I feel? Well I don't know what I feel just yet, but I don't want it to stop, and maybe if I keep writing, I'll finally find all the words I want to share.

Work in Progress

Think I can call it "Drug"



I have this feeling, beneath the surface.
This feeling of hunger, want, desire, need,
all the things that drive the flesh.
Seeping through my skin, into the vain
headed straight to the heart, enslaving my brain.

Visions roll along the back of my eyes
I see everything, how it could be.

It's the chill December wind that brings me back
to a place where it's just me, with out you

It's the hole in my heart, keeps reminding me of the fact
it just won't beat for me, with out you

I have this tightness, inside my chest,
The sight of you, touch, smell and sound
all these things, drive my flesh
Filling the minutes of my days
stealing all the moments of my dreams away

Shivers creep up the back of my spine
I feel everything, how it could be.

It's the chill December wind that brings me back
to a place where it's just me, with out you

It's the hole in my heart, keeps reminding me of the fact
it just won't beat for me, with out you

I was wrong...

Wow my guts where wrong about something... well so far but there are still little nags sitting back in the darker recess of my frail little brain, telling me that I need to keep them walls high... well maybe we can thin them out just a little bit?

It's nice to be wrong it feels just like I though it would, giddy school girl'd and all. I just hope they keep surprising me... With out even knowing it.

What Dreams May Come?

Do you remember the film Dragonslayer from Disney back in 80's? It was about the village that gives up it's young girls in a Lottery to the Dragon near by as a sacrifice? That's kind of how this dream started out. My number was up and I was sent out into the desert to the Dragon. I was fallowed to the cave by a group of young men, the rumors where crazy on how if any girl tried to run she was usually ravaged beaten and then killed for disgracing the village and not fulfilling her duty... It was a two day trek and I had no food or water. It was to make sure your will was good and broken by the time you got there. The night before I was to arrive at the caves, an older woman snuck into camp and gave me water and told me not to show any fear, and I would be okay. I couldn't tell if she was for real or not from my delirium and hunger.

The last leg of the walk, I had to do on my own. When I got there it was quiet, there where skeletons about not many, some were crushed others blacked to a crisp. I could feel my heart on the back of my tongue, exhausted all I could do was wait. Finally it came out at dusk that only thing that gave it away was the shimmer of the gray on edge of it's jet black scales. I remember thinking it's smaller than I imagined it would be? Of all the fucking things to think when face to face with a Dragon! I laughed at myself, it got closer I could feel it's breath in my face. I laughing at myself, to thinking of all the stupid details I was marveling at moments before I was to be ripped to shreds by this thing. My eyes were round as saucers taking in every detail. There was something so strange about its eyes. I couldn't place it, yet here I was in a mexican stand of with it's giant pale blue colored eye giving me this sideways up and down inspection, and my slack jawed self was unable to do anything but be in dumbfounded awe. I wasn't eating me, it wasn't tearing me into lil bits for Dragon stir-fry, and out of some need my hand began to slowly creep out from the side of my body reaching out to touch it. I was screaming at myself inside my head, "You stupid fool what the hell are you doing!!!" It pulled back just before I could touch the top of it's nose. I turned round and walked away. I crumpled to the ground like a ragdoll.

Woke up sometime in the afternoon with what appeared to be a extra blackened meat laying next to me. The caves where the only kind of shelter near by besides my old village and I couldn't go back there, I'd wonder and explore but would always come back to the caves and find a small craves some where to try and keep warm from the freezing nights, but I hardly ever saw that Dragon, heard it sure, but it seemed to be nocturnal. It went like this for days it seemed till a sand storm threatened the horizon, I would have to go into the caves for shelter and avoid not have my skin pealed off. It was pretty inside not the death and gore I was expecting. The sand stone kind of shimmered when the moon came down through the holes worn away in the top of the range. I walked softly and worked my way back to a safe space and settled in. It was a large opening in the caves no opening to the outside, completely secure and protected from the elements, it was dark but warm somehow and I curled up to rest. When I woke up there was a strange softness beneath me. I had crossed into the home of the Dragon, and again it had shown me kindness. Some time in the early morning when I was completely out. I found myself tucked neatly to it's chest where it's under belly scales where, it was like a heater and surprisingly soft to the touch. It was like the final test, no fear or anything. This was the new understanding... I learned how to hunt with traps from things I found on my exploring and spend the night with the Dragon who brought Water back and cooked my food with electric blue fire.

The month had passed I had survived and the new moon was on it way, it would be pitch black, the Dragon was anxious and yet not making any type of movements that it would be taking its night flight. I did all I could to sooth it, singing seemed to work. there was a fire made, I just kept singing until I passed out. Darkness came with the new moon and I woke with a shiver, I wasn't covered by my familiar huge Dragon blanket for some strange reason, but there was still something wrapped round, holding tight. A man with jet black hair and when the eyes slowly fluttered open they where pale blue. It was my Dragon, a human now shivering from cold just like me. Then we heard what woke us, a horn and chanting, it was very faint and chillingly familiar. It was the war call from my old village they where coming for my friend and protector when he was at his weakest. I ran outside the caves to see how much time we may have to try and hide, there wasn't any, I knew I would have to do something. He stumbled next to me I held him up for the first time ever I saw worry and fear in his eyes. I just smiled at him and kissed his nose the way I had come accustomed to and told him not to worry that it my turn to take care of him, then I ran out into the night.

Dream two...
Oh did I forget to mention there where two exhausting dreams? Ya...
I was in this beautiful house in Santa Cruz In the redwoods. It was filled with all these young guys, most of them where punks, not bad just tones of additude but they where all at that age 17/18 pushing boundaries seeing what they could get away with. One day I was late for work and I had just gotten out of the shower I was running about the place to get ready, of course it turns into a war with the boys and I windup snapping at them including the youngest of the house 7/8. He didn't deserve it. He was so upset. I could see anger and pain in his eyes when he glared at me. I stop everything and take him aside, apologizing and reassuring him that I wasn't angry with him. He was so beautiful, blond/brown dirty hair light eyes and I'd do anything for his smile. I wanted so badly for him to be my boy. I did all I could to make sure that he didn't turn out like all the other little monsters (because that's exactly what they where monsters) in the house. He was different and I needed to keep him safe.

Guess my Mama Bear self is feeling a need to be known. I just wish I knew who the little boy was? The Dragon I know, funny enough that person is a real flesh and bone in my world, which makes things... interesting, but the boy I haven't meet or seen yet? What does it all mean?

Of Course it's not September

Because its now fucking October! *sigh* So that month blew by like a bitch out of hell. True I'm a bit grateful because it was such a shit month, but the end of the year looms even closer now, AND the holidays, yelch... I have to say that this year has been a chaotic road of live and learn, but not nearly the shit storm of it's predecessor, so hey at least it's a step in the right direction? If I just didn't have that crap feeling of a giant clock somewhere ticking down to.... well something.

On what I thought would be brighter news, I went out with a guy on Tue. I thought I could call it a date but at the same time, I'm feeling it safer if I just didn't call it anything at all. There is always that "breath holding moments" a day after the encounter where you wonder, "okay where to next?" It makes me terribly insecure and jump to conclusions, but at the same time, I've come to find that those conclusions usually turn out being painfully right.

There have been very few times I've actually surprised myself with being wrong, I would love to be wrong, I would be ecstatic to be proven wrong about my gut feelings. I may just pee myself in the surge of over whelming glee that would take place if I was, "just being a silly over reactive woman" with glee I tell you, but ya that has yet to happen, no over reactive silly woman here. Just a knows all to well, I can read the signs before you can, witchy woman of knowing.

So when you go from what was a flurry of communication on a daily basis to the grinding halt of quick two or three word answers, you pry don't need a bigger "Do Not Enter, Wrong Way" sign than that. Still maybe I can hold my breath for a just a min longer, if anything just to hold on to the glow of a extended conversation of loveliness.

It is NOT September!!

Fuck off I don't believe you! September already? NOOOOO!!!! You don't understand there was so much I needed to get done this year and like hell if you can ever get anything finished up before the fucking holidays come rolling in and suck the life out of you.
I don't know about you, but the past three years have felt like a giant rodent ball filled with shit pellet poo. Go ahead think about that visual for a second, let it sit in nice and stinky like, till you feel like you need a shower, realized your no where near a place you can take said shower and keep reading. Ya that feeling, that uncomfortable, when will it end, I can't see though my own piss/shit covered walls anymore feeling, that's been my year. for every silver lining that I squint at through the black cloud hanging over my head and manage to smile and laugh in the abundant joy that is hope heading my way, just to have a seagull shit in my mouth. Ya fuck you September, fuck you for being that inevitable reminder that my clock is almost out and having to think about things, I fucking hate thinking about things. FUCK!

I fucking give up

No seriously I've had it with most of man kind. What could possible bring on this vehement feeling of detest, what else...

So I've been loosely trying the whole online dating thing... again. After my first debacle you would have thought I'd learned my lesson. Now don't get me wrong I've met some nice people via these sights made an actual friend or two out of it as well, which is always an A+ in my book, none the less, I remained incredibly skeptical of the objective of ever meeting "my one" (if ever there was such a thing) via anything like these sights. New contact, spread out my social circle, adventure, maybe a new playmate, these are about as high as my expectations ever really go. So needless to say I'm gravely disappointed with myself for ever letting down my guard for a bunch of pretty words that would appeal to any school girl, in many ways it is my own damn fault. You never realize just how much of a sucker you are for the whole romantic ideal till your face flat in the gutter with dirt on your face.

I can understand lying to a complete stranger in order to gain something, money, information, sex these things I understand... To seeming lie to a stranger just because, well I don't know, your lonely or in need of attention... It just seems like such a waste, you can get those kinds of things with out having to lie at all. (trust me I know) Well if anything this little bit of a trial has just reconfirmed my cynical and always dark pessimistic view. No matter how much I would like to believe that being a hopeless romantic will mean you will find love some day, I just can't buy into it any more. There is a reason why the word "HOPELESS" is in that turn of phrase. No that love does not exists in this day and age, at least not in the way I have it in my head. I'm pretty certain that the love that I always wanted went extinct quite some time ago... At least I have my health, family/friends and kitties, mustn't forget the kitties.

Nope just cynic

Right, not that any one really reads the effing thing any longer... I had put some words of hope down about love life things and what not, and like usual I have a feeling spoke far too soon... The cynic rears it's ugly but very logical head and starts to think about things, meany things that the optimistic eye normally over looks and that feeling in my gut is creeping up... Just too soon kids just too fucking soon. I'm going back to my kitties. Eff optimistic eyes, they always just make me wind up crying.

Feeling a bit...

Titanic,

Ya I'm on a sinking ship, again. This time it's really personal though because it's a family thing. It's scary and just fucked up and makes times really herd to try and keep my head up. I've been preparing my self any way I can, I just wish this continues shit strum would finally blow over and let me start actually living my life, instead of just existing in it.

Onward and into the unknow.

An when I say "unknown" I mean the dating world. I done did it again and trolling round in the wonderful world of online dating again. I have to be a Masochist to do this shit again. I know it's not that horrible, I have quite a few friends that have found lovely significant others via online dating and all that and I couldn't be happier for them, but the more I check it out and "try" the more I get to thinking that is just a huge time waster, not much unlike A glorified Angry Birds that you sit and push the silly little buttons over and over till you finally land on something worth wile that may take you to the next level... Most the time it's a fail and you try again, come at it from a few different angles and let her fly again, but the longer you play the harder it gets and the more frustrating you get finding that what once was a fun curiosity is now just a waste of time. Ya so that's fun.

Doing a little something new now and singing a bit more often. was adopted into a fun little band in town. It's been a cool distraction and keeping stuff on my plate so I don't get idle hands.

That all I really got for now, so guess I'll get back to flogging myself. Sheesh